She Was Happy - NCT Dream's Jisung

Goodbye, Happy...Hello Happiness

It was a silent car ride home.

I don't think my mother knew what to say to me...other than that she was here for me and that I had all of her support. Which was fine with me.

I mean, what could she say? I secretly worried that she was blaming herself for what I was going through. After all, she wasn't at fault. We all know the real reason.

When we got home, she made me her sick-day porridge and spoon fed it to me while I sat up in bed.  I was quiet and numb as she filled my tummy with her lovely cooking.

I was still a bit shaken up about everything—that Happy and everything I'd experienced with her wasn't real. That my past caught up to me without my awareness. Or that I just felt batshit crazy for everything that happened in the last few months.

I needed to talk about it. I needed to let it all out. I wished I could talk to my mom but I knew she wouldn't get it. I'd feel bad about burdening her with more of my problems. So my lips remained paralyzed. I needed someone who could understand me in this way. I needed Happy. I missed her.

You idiot.

How can you need someone that doesn't exist? How can you miss someone you never actually met? My head and my insides were tearing me apart, but all I could do was cry about it quietly while my mom fed me spoonfuls of porridge.

She just kept wiping away my tears with her thumbs without saying anything. I couldn't imagine just how much she wanted to say or ask me but couldn't in fear of pushing me further into 'psychotic tendencies'.

I hated those stupid labels.

Yes, I was messed up. But I was still me. At least I hoped. I wanted to tell my mom that everything was okay. That I would get better. That I would try my hardest to be happy so both of us could be happy and live free of my father's broken legacy.

But for now, I needed to rest. And I needed to take time to grieve my pain. So that I could eventually get over it.

"You should rest, sweetheart. You had a long day," my mom cooed, pushing some strands of loose hair out of my eyes.

"I can't," I said, gripping the hem of her cardigan tightly. I didn't wanna be left alone. At least not right now while all of today's horrors were still fresh in my mind.

My mom sighed and set down the porridge bowl on my side-drawer table. "I can stay with you...but you really need to sleep, Jisung."

I nodded and made space for her on my bed. The last time my mom slept with me was the night my father left. When I was younger, I was never allowed to sleep in my parents' room, because my father wanted to teach me how to deal with my nightmares and bedroom monsters on my own. I had a lot of sleepless nights as a child.

I slid under my blanket and laid on my side facing my mother. She shrunk down next to me, doing the same.

"I'm sorry this happened to you, Jisung...I'm sorry I wasn't there." Her eyes were watering up and she broke eye contact with me.

"It's not your fault, mom," I whispered back. "I promise I'll get better."

"You don't have to promise me anything, my love. We're gonna get through this together." She patted my cheek softly and stroked my hair back with her fingers. "I won't let you be alone anymore, Jisung."

"Same for you, Mom. Same for you."

With the comfort of her beside me, I was finally able to drift off into peaceful slumber.

-

"Hey, Stick."

I immediately sat up at the sound of her voice. Her voice, I was so keen to it. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes to see Happy standing in my room doorway.

"Happy...what are you doing here? I mean—you're technically not here, but...somehow you still are here. In my room...Should I even call you by a name?" I stuttered, racking my brain to make sense of this moment.

"Slow down, Stick. I just got here," she grinned at me. Her smile still made me feel the same. Warm and nervous in excitement.

As she walked toward me, I knew she wasn't real. But I couldn't help but stumble out of bed and sweep up her small body into mine. She felt so existent, captured by my arms and chest. I could breathe in the scent that was all-too-distinctive of the Happy I knew. But as I held her I knew that these were all figments of my wild delusions based off of my past memories. My heart and mind battled as I tried to savor these moments of my delusion while my mental fought to convince me it wasn't reality.

"Jisung..." she whispered into my shoulder. "You know I'm all in your head."

My hands quivered and my insides ached as I pulled away. I knew that, but I didn't want to believe it. "Why are you here?"

"I wanted to say goodbye." She hung her head sullenly, but I could still see her lips curled up into a sad smile. "Sit with me." She walked to my bed and sat criss-crossed on the edge, patting the spot next to her.

I followed obediently. "Do you really have to say goodbye?" I sounded almost childish, like a kid sending off their best friend to a different state.

"Yes. You don't need me anymore, Jisung...I want you to promise me a few things," she winked, taking my hand in hers.

"Hm?" I said, staring sadly at the soft fingers that held mine.

"I want you to promise me that you're gonna try to do better for yourself. That you're gonna continue to do well in school. That you're gonna quit skipping meals. That you're gonna take care of your mom as you take care of yourself. I want you to promise me that you're gonna pursue true happiness and peace, Jisung. Even when I'm not here to remind you to every Saturday morning," she laughed at the last remark. She was saying all this calm and collectedly. Unlike me who was sulking and shedding quiet tears while she talked.

"Do you promise me, Jisung?" she reinforced, gripping my hand tightly.

"I-I pr-promise."

"Good...I also want you to promise me that you're gonna make tons of friends in college and have buttloads of fun. You're gonna do great out there, Stick."

I sighed hard and let go of her hand as her words started to hit me. Happy was starting to look like a stranger in front of my eyes. It broke my heart as I started to accept that she really was just a random girl that I had made up.

"Lastly...this will take time but...don't let the past hurt you anymore, Jisung. You have to let it go at some point, okay?" Her eyes were no longer bright and majestic, but serious and heavy. The light instilled in her that I was so attracted to before was starting to fade.

"Okay."

My Happy was finally leaving me.

"It was nice meeting you, Jisung," she piped, popping up from my bed and standing in front of me. She extended her hand out like how she had when we first met.

"It was nice getting to know you," I replied, shaking her hand lightly. I was exchanging greetings with my own delusion. But something about saying these farewells still hurt my heart.

"Goodbye, Jisung," she whispered as she leaned over and planted a sweet kiss on my cheek. "Find me in the real world."

She retreated back and gave me one last wink before she gracefully disappeared into thin air.

-

I woke up with a gasp of air.

My room was dark and my mom still laid next to me, sleeping peacefully, where Happy and I had sat.

It was all just a dream. It really was just a dream this time.

But I knew her goodbyes were real.