The Percy Jackson Guidebook

🔱 [Draft]

May the Percy Jackson Recovery Club never get new members. Amen.

1. Take these words to the heart, kids. -PA

2. You're his boyfriend. Why are you here? -WS

3. Exactly why. Keep your hands to yourself, you unfortunate mortals. My work here is done. Bye. -PA

4. That's it. Rule of all rules; don't let Dad catch you following Percy like a lost duckling. He WILL make sure you suffer from sun burns and maybe even come to your class as a substitute teacher [Exhibit A], he's done it before. He'll do it again. -WS

5. Don't be like Perry and watch the camp orientation film. Also, don't let anyone - I'm looking at you, Chiron- convince you otherwise. -D

6. It would go well if campers refrain from challenging gods, especially war gods to duel. It does not end well, even if you are Percy Jackson. So, don't follow his footsteps. -AC

          i. With curses too. -GU

7. It's not a good idea to pack Medusa's head in a box and address it to Olympus. -AC

          i. Or any other monster's head for the matter. -GU

          ii. Yes. Thank you, Grover. -AC

          iii. Don't listen to them, children. They don't know the peace when Zeus turned into stone for a full minute. Poseidon couldn't stop laughing for days. -H

          iv. You dare! Edit out [iii]. That's an order. -Z

8. Never ask Percy to sing during campfires. -CLR

          i. But why? He's got the voice of an angel. -PA

          ii. Correction, he's got the voice of a siren. Apollo's already a big simp to be affected by it, also, he's kind of the god of arts. -AC

          iii. Kind of? -PA

          iv. And he deserves to be simped on. -PA

9. Stop calling him Jesus, Jesus. -NDA

          i. Stop asking him to walk on water, too. -WS

10. Archery is not the way to impress Percy Jackson. He will only get jealous. -WS

          i. Or he'll look so pouty and cute. -PA

          ii. We get it, Apollo. Please leave now. -RED

11. Speaking of archery, if Percy Jackson is seen with a bow and arrow and you are anywhere near him, run and take cover. -WS

          ii. Don't give him a bow and an arrow in the first place. -C

12. Well, if you do want to impress him, gift him a blue shirt with a sea pun. -GU

          i. Please no, he already has hundreds of those. -AC

13. What's up with everyone asking him to braid their hair? -CLR

          i. Shut up, LaRue. Let him be the Camp Mom. -DT

          ii. It started with Estelle. Now the Aphrodite Cabin is in love with him. -AC

14. Don't ask Percy Jackson to braid your hair, because he will do it and it's not good for the heart of many. -RED

15. And stop encouraging Estelle to make TikToks with her brother. -AC

          i. It's where they found out he knew how to braid, btw. -GU

16. Don't listen to the scary blonde [15], you're doing God's work. -PA

          i. We're Greek? -WS

          ii. Wrong god, dad. -NDA

          iii. Nico! -WS