I had seen from the balcony adjacent to my room that Dev was approaching. Only when he was a few steps away from the main door, he decided to march back and drag Diya along with him.
This second time she had visited my place. The first visit of hers, was when she was nine years old and I was twelve. She has come with her older brother, Dyut, who was also twelve. Dyut and I were best friends from school. When I am back in Kolkata, Dyut keeps visiting me and so do I. Perhaps, the frequency of me visiting him is more than his.
And that is where the calamity had started. I can't recall as thing or person as such which keeps me so engaged, as much as Diya's face does. I mean, Diya doesn't even talk with me or even look at me. But still, her pristine face has managed to dig a hole in my heart and settle.
This is weird.
And I don't know what has kept my heart hooked, which is weirder. There are been several times, when I am asked to give her a practise of Mathematics. We sit opposite to each other, across the table. She doesn't meet my eyes. Neither do I try to. Rather I feign disinterest in talking to her. Interestingly, she exhibits more disinterest in me than I feign in her. Deep and down, I know that I only feign (which is the problem). Of course, I am interested. But I wouldn't want to ruin her career. So I try to stay aloof.
I know what I am trying to prevent. But why am I even trying? Why do I feel this thing, in the first place? I shouldn't. I clearly shouldn't.
I know she doesn't reciprocate. She is clearly disgusted with me pestering her with graduation-level Integration problems. But what may I even do? My heart just yearns for spending some time with her. She would never want to spend time with me. She never wants. But I do. Also, I don't want her to know about this. First, the rarest chances could be that she might reciprocate what I feel, which is awful. She should focus on her career now. Hence, I will never speak up. Second, if she becomes familiar, she could hate me. This probability has 90% chances of occurring. I want neither.
Thus, I just use these instances to collect some memories of her - the memories that we spend together. Who can tell, where she will be next?
Perhaps, to a different college. Then, maybe even to some other place for work. Then, she would get married......to someone else.
It aches my heart to know that I will be a one-sided lover forever. I would never disclose this secret to anyone. I just wonder, would I ever be able to love anyone, apart from her. She might never love me back. What my future holds for me?
Love? Did I just say love?
Lord, I don'twant to love her. I could someday hate myself for loving her. But, what can I do? I love her. I honestly do.
---
"WRIDDHI DA?" Dev called out.
I ran downstairs to attend him. "Bol," I said to him.
"Jethima has invited you for dinner tonight," He told.
"Okay," I passed a stern smile, "I'll be there."
"Accha," he said. "Bye!"
My eyes had finally accomplished in their search. They had spotted Diya. She was standing a little afar, hands crossed, her neck facing the other side. As her face conveyed, she was disgusted and annoyed.
I don't know why I found these antics of hers, adorable!
Control, Wriddhi, control! Don't pass a smile at her.
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