Futile - Dazai angst.

3:45

"It's 3:45 (am!) and I just bite my tongue, update me on your life, and now you've found the one." -perfume, Lovejoy.

-self harm (hitting self/banging head)
-dehumanization of self
Maybe others? Tell me if there are :))

Dazai bangs his head against the wall behind him, accidentally causing a bite into his tongue. From the impact of the bite, he could tell blood was threatening to squeeze out but he swallowed the blood down his throat. He didn't bang his head hard enough to be loud, just hard enough for it to cause a small headache, maybe a migraine even. It was currently 3:45 am and he couldn't sleep so he decided to try to brush out his knotted brunette hair. Bad when he was still in the mafia, about age 14 or 15 Chuuya would carefully brush out his hair until it was smooth and un-knotted, or close to it. Unluckily, he didn't have him currently, but I guess it's what happens to one when they leave the person, so it just made sense for it to happen to him as well. He decided to just give up once the brush got caught in it, luckily for him, the knots were on an under layer and weren't visible unless you physically lifted the top layer of hair up.

He decides to start a journal then, after all, Atsushi advice that included the topic of a journal.

~~~FLASHBACK~~~
'Since you don't like to talk about your feelings, why not try to wright them down? What's he harm in it? It's private unless you show somebody. I know it may, well,, probably sounds bad at first.. but just give it a try Dazai-San. I'm sure it'll help if you give it a try!' Atsushi says, pushing the idea of a journal into Dazai's thought process. Atsushi frowned at no reply and snapped his fingers into Dazai's ear. 'Dazai-San?' Atsushi murmurs, a worried expression plastered on his face. Dazai just nods and let's a small hum for 'I'm okay, I heard you.' escape through his tattered lips. Atsushi gives a heart-warming smiles at that reply. 'That's great! Do you have one or should I buy you one?' Atsushi says, pushing the idea even further. He could tell Atsushi was happy because he was sort of shaking his hands.
'I have one, don't bother about it.' Dazai murmurs, closing his eyes and leaning back into his chair even more. Atsushi nods and walks over to Kenji and begins to talking to him, all Dazai could understand was 'cow' and 'agency' however he figured Kenji was going to bring another cow into the agency when he heard Kunikida yell a loud 'no! No more cows Kenji!' Which brought a small snark to come vibrating out of his lips.
~~~FLASHBACK OVER~~~

Dazai felt as if he was a doll. Not a porcelain doll, porcelain was to delicate and soft-appearing to be him. He's more like a cloth doll, or one of those fake leather dolls or stuffed animal. If anything, whenever he got himself injured during his plans he'd simply just stitch himself back up, truly like a doll. He'd never be a soft appearing child friendly dolls, no no, he'd be one of those rag dolls. I mean, he wasn't that different from a rag doll, was he? His body had many flaws, his skin was as pale as a vampire, he had scars and chunks of his skin missing as the chipping in a doll, his hair was horribly messy and torn in some places as of it was truly meant to be resemble a doll's tangled yarn hair. How could be not be a doll? If he wasn't, he was a machine. He walks stiff like a robot, he talked and acted out as a robotic device. All he knew was, he wasn't human. If he was, he didn't feel like it or resemble it.

He sighs and picks up a random notebook from a couple years back, he believes he got it as a gift from Q. Yumeno was a truly nice but strange child to him, even if they were a bit odd acting around him. Dazai knew he comforted the child, he even got to call Yumeno the nickname of Q. In Q's fashionable senses, they bought Dazai a small sun and moon notebook. It had some moon scribbles on the front with some sun sketched on the back. If you squinted hard enough you could probably see Pluto on the front side. He liked the fact that the notebook was purple on the moon side and yellow on the sun's side, it added some small details in it. He opened it up and saw some small neatly written cursive inside. He read over it multiple times, a wave of so called happiness hitting his dull mind. 'Your friend Q! Happy birthday' is what the note stated. He only told Q and Chuuya his birthday, but obviously 'the one to not be named' knew since he was his doctor.

He turns about 1-2 pages in since the first couple pages were just introduction pages and Dazai didn't feel like answering the dumb questions of 'favorite color?', 'favorite food?' or 'likes?' He felt they were personal, even for him. He did see a few questions that didn't peak his attention, more catch it, but he still stayed on the page. He picks up a random crimson red pen and begins to write with the said pen. It unexpectedly wasn't a crimson red, it was more a rusty orange-ish brown. By the time he finished the journal page, he covered 3/4 of the page. His letters were neatly wrote in between the lines, except for the uppercases and letters with hoops, which went into other lines.

About 4 am is when he got a bit dizzy and he vision blurred. His visions got black spots, along with a major migraine which made him feel that his head would eventually explode from the pressure, which of course, wasn't possible. He pushed the feelings aside for later as a future him problem. He stood up, it took him a few attempt however because his legs were sort of trembling and would fail him if he got up too quickly. He didn't like the silence that filled his room so he walked over to his desk and turned on a small plastic fan that he only had for the one purpose of noise. Although it made him colder then he already was, he turned it on anyways. He finally decides to lay down in his bed. His legs were intertwined with a small black comforter that previously was on his bed, now half way off with the other half between his legs. He groans and bangs his head against the headboard of his poorly constructed bed, just enough for it to worsen his migraine. After a few boring minutes of laying there, his vision blackens and his mind is lifted into the calming state of sleep.

——
A/N
eeeeeee, how do you like it? This took like an hour and a half to write, not too bad. I'm trying to learn how to describe words differently and make my writing more descriptive. I first wrote this on a google doc with my story needs, then copy & pasted it onto Wattpad. I think it's going well so far! I'm honestly really proud of this -v-

1238 words (yay)