"I swear I want to change"
And I swear the amount of times I said that word is uncountable.
Sometimes I feel like quitting my. Yet, quitting means giving up on everything.
I'm stuck in a loop that slowly making me insane.
Why am I like this?
Noises of fan is loud due to the silence of my room. I could even hear my own heartbeat beating harder than an engine. I put my hands on my eyes hoping that I will sleep. But, the voices just get louder...
———
"I'm okay" The voices say.
It's 6 AM. I'm pretty sure,Im already late. Some people woke up more late than me but still...
As I'm wearing my clothes I remember that I still haven't Ironed my shirt yet.
So I did despite me being this awful late, I should've go out by six.
Wait what time it is again?
There's no one announcing anything except "Move your ass out It's already late" most prefect and seniors said.
I think it's already been 5 minutes. Maybe. I hastily enter my dorm again and wear my clothes. Then Arul, that batchmate of mine and also a prefect even back in form 2 barges in. His always been like this mood swing guy. Yesterday he did the same and shout my name and told me move faster.
Oh even day before that.
But this day, he snap.
His eyes and facial expressions truly looks like his done. "Why are you are always late, H––––." He shouted, furiously.
"You're also late yesterday and even days before that! Urgh SINGLE DAY!" He adds.
My heart stings. It hurts exactly where It hurts. Adding a salt to the wound. I can't fight back, I mean why would I? He's speaking the truth. Ever since I gotten here I'm always late. Especially now when I'm growing up, along with my ego.
I watch as he leaves with bad temper. His mood always swings, It's like a two different person. One is a generous and funny guy that will always joke around and one is just dead serious and no tolerance guy that you definitely can't joke around. I respect him for that. Well,
but sometimes it hurts.
Knowing such a kind guy hated you even a slightest second feels like hell. It makes me wonder more about myself.
I went out, with my name written. Which is a cherry on top to ruin my day. It's feel like the worst morning ever. Though, I never thought it would turn into the worst day ever...
The class is quiet as ever, concentrating on the teacher. But I can't sit tight, as I feel ansty and fidgety as always. Then eventually I start having this ''microsleep''
that everyone has experienced mostly in history class. But for me, It's for every classes. Every, single, time.
It's uncontrollable. Sometimes it depends on the teacher, their style of teaching. But mostly it's about the subject. Either way, I would end up sleeping in half or even more daily.
There's one stage where I actually don't sleep in class last year. I'm inconsistent so it just lasted a week. I always recall back of what I did, drinking water, repair sit posture and even talking to myself like a crazy man. Yet It doesn't work anymore. Or perhaps the will just never works. I don't know what works for me. Cuz today, I legit sleep in all class.
Biology, English, Chemistry, History, BM. Yeah everything at least once. At max the things I learn today is almost 5% of what they actually teached. I can't stop but think of how the classmates thinks about me.
Back in form 1, my friends are mocking me and always pushing me. I didn't blame them anymore. As I recall back, they are right and I'm the wrong. They always been nice to me, It's always me who ditched them. Getting scolded continuosly and being the one and only person people hates, I look myself in the mirror with my bruised face and said,
"I deserved this".
Well in the present, everyone stays quiet. The classmates is different, mostly. But still...
This feelings is worst than that time. The silent treatment. The way my friends look at me. I don't even need to exchange gazes I could already feel it down my spine.
"I deserved this"
Now this feeling is back to me.
I thought this was the year I will change when I get to upper form.
I've always been like this In even way back in primary school.
———
"My mom said I can't be friends with you anymore" Azizan says, dead serious.
As stays there quietly not knowing what to say. We're just best friends yesterday and before that...
Ah... I see, was because I did that.
After that day, we rarely spoke again. The one and only best friend I had.
And the one other friend was also in his side's. If one person hated someone, the hates will eventually chained.
I can't help but feel lonely. My parents doesn't even give me much love since I suck at almost everything. I can't help but say
"I deserved this"
–––—–
It's night-time. It's loud and monotonous. I'm having my prep as usual. Today, I just sits. Thinking,
About today.
I have a tons of work to do. It's not like teacher gives me a lot of them at once, it's just stacks. I procrastinated everything. This is the most normal thing for me. I adore people that aren't as smart as me but still better in particular. Because at least they doesn't get their ass scolded. Now, I'm in a not-so-prestigous school. At least it's better than a normal school. Because of the status but not exactly better.
As I'm still driven by my thoughts. The prep already ended. My classmates starts packing their bags while being noisy as always.
Great, not only I didn't do any work I ended up stacking more due to this damn "exercise". The teacher would ask me to opened it and as always It's untouched and winkled or just I did it but stopped halfway. Then, the teach will start shouting as I...
"Got scolded," I whisper.
"Got scolded," I repeat.
"Got scolded!" I exclaim, the frustration bubbling over like a screech .
"ARH-! AGAIN AND AGAIN AND IT LOOPS AGAIN. IT JUST NEVER STOPS!" I grasp for air as I try to put myself together, having my hands on my head like a complete maniac.
I stopped eventually. Because I don't want to have a mental breakdown in a crowd. Again.
It's not like people care. Even if they did, it only lasted less than an hour it always ends when I said "I'm okay". It's a classic me thing but I have long craved for love. Not romantically. It's just "love" that people actually accept me the way I am. I know it's never happening. It's just a delulu that I've always had.
"I swear I want to change" I said to myself at 2AM In a dark dorm filled with my dormmates snores. I can't sleep because I can't stop thinking about things I have done and the consequences after. It ends with me talking to myself,
"I totally deserved this."
Right?
"If only someone would help me, someone who's beyond help."
I said as I slowly falls asleep knowing that tomorrow will just be, another day.
"Got scolded," I whisper.
"Got scolded," I repeat.
"Got scolded!" I exclaim, the frustration bubbling over.
YOU ARE READING
Tour de force
RomanceA story about a boy who is timid and self-loathing. He always wanted to change but It never happen no matter how much he tried. Until one day, He have found a light that bring him out of the darkness.
