rivers and roads//r.bowen

the archer

It was tech week for Heathers. For those of you who aren't theater nerds, tech week is basically the week leading up to the show where you run through the entire show every single day, in full costume, to practice exactly how things would go on opening night. Of course, Miss Jen was still giving us notes and stuff, and we had breaks since it was taking a lot longer than the actual show. We got here this morning at 8, and now it's almost 11 pm. There's no exact end time on tech week nights, we just go until the show ends. We could end up here until midnight, and then turn around and do it all again the next day.

"Ugh, just walked in on something nasty." Gina complains as she plops down in the audience chair next to me, returning from the bathroom. They're currently running a scene that neither of us are in, so we are just watching.

"What?"

She gives me a disgusted look. "Ricky and Nini."

Immediately, all five of my senses are heightened. I snap up from my slouched position and face her, now on the edge of my chair. "What are you talking about?" I say as calmly as I can through gritted teeth.

She furrows her brows. "I saw them out in the hallway, looking a little cozy."

I barely let her finish before I'm out of my chair and walking to said hallway.

I walk toward the bathroom and that's when I see them. No. I didn't think it could be true.

But it was. They were right there. Ricky sat on the floor, leaned against the wall, with Nini resting her head on his chest. Right where I was laying just last night when I'd snuck into his room. And his arm was wrapped around her shoulder, pulling her closer to him.

He must have heard my footsteps because he looks up, and once he sees me, his face goes as pale as a ghost.

"Wait, Reece, I can explain—"

"You've got to be kidding me." I state.

"No! I— I just, Reece, listen to me—"

"You told me there was nothing left over between you two! You promised! You said, you, y-you..." I can't even finish a thought because my throat has started to tighten up, and I can feel tears welling up in my eyes. "You sat there, and held me, the same way you're holding her. And you lied to me! What happened to 'I would never cheat on you, Reece' or 'You're the only girl I think about'? God, I can't believe I ever trusted you!"

"No! Reece, you don't understand—"

"Oh, no, I can clearly understand what's going on here. Was I just your rebound because you were missing her? Or a ploy to get her back? Whatever, it doesn't matter, I don't care. I hate you. Don't ever speak to me again."

I turn on my heel and walk off, fighting the urge to sprint away until I'm out of sight, and then finally the tears fell. I wipe them off my face angrily. I'm just glad I was away from everybody, because no way was I letting Ricky Bowen see me cry ever again.

I knew it was too good to be true. I knew it. That damn book was right. Nobody could ever love me normally.

How could I be so stupid? I mean, did I seriously believe that Ricky could actually care about me? Everything in me tightens. My chest, my throat, my heart. I choke out a sob as I get into the car. It occurs to me that Ricky's going to have to find someone else to bring him home since we rode up together, but I don't even care. Screw that. Screw him.

The ride home is hard because my vision is so blurry through all my tears.

Once I finally do make it home, I put the car in park and sit in there for at least twenty minutes trying to hide my tears and the fact that I was crying, just in case somebody saw me. I notice all the lights are on in the kitchen, which is weird because usually everyone's gone upstairs starting to get ready for bed right now.

I open the car door, get out and slam it shut. I basically drag myself through the front door and into the walkway and am immediately intercepted by my Mom. I also see Noah sitting on the formal living room couch by the door, tapping his foot uneasily.

"Oh, Reece. You're home. Where's Ricky?"

As if on cue, the screen door opens again. "Reece! Please can we talk—"

"Ricky!" Lynn comes from out of nowhere and pulls him to the side. "Let's go upstairs, okay?"

"What? Why?"

"Come on, okay. Beth just needs to talk to her kids for a second." She ushers him out of the room and up the stairs.

"What's going on?" I ask, all my feelings and thoughts about Ricky evaporating away. Something weird is going on.

My mom slowly lets out a breath. "Sit down."

I look between her and Noah for a long moment, then gingerly sit down on the couch next to Noah.

"I have to tell you something. It's about Dad."

I look between her and Noah again. Whatever she is about to tell me, he clearly already knows. A million thoughts, bad and good, race through my head. Maybe she was going to tell me about his addiction? But why now, at all times?

"Sweetie, your dad... he's had a bit of a... problem, for a while now." I guess I was right.

She takes another deep breath. "He's addicted to drugs. Bad ones, okay."

Okay. I know that. But of course, she doesn't know I know.

Nothing could've prepared me for what she said next. It felt like someone had taken a knife and stabbed it into my chest. Repeatedly. Over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over again.

"Earlier in the day, he overdosed on fentanyl. His friend found him and called 911, but he.... He died in the hospital."

The big muscle in my chest that felt like it had been tightening for an hour, now just felt like it shattered. Everywhere. Into a million pieces.

No.

No.

No.

That can't be true.

"We're flying back to Arizona on Friday for the funeral. Your aunt is taking care of everything, okay? We just need to show up."

Her words barely even register, because at this point a thought occurs to me;

If I had told someone about that day in the garage, maybe things could've ended up different.

I could've told mom, she would've gotten him help. Sent him to rehab, or a doctor or someone.

But no. I kept quiet, and kept giving him more drugs. I was a clear contributor to his addiction.

Meaning; I was partly at fault for his death. Me. I was responsible.

I am haunted by my past actions. My past mistakes. I will never be able to go back in time and make the right choices. And now, I will suffer forever. My dad is dead. Gone. Never coming back. I will never hear his voice again, he will never mess with my hair and call me Reecie Cup, I will never hug him again...

I don't even remember starting to cry. I don't remember collapsing into Noah's arms. I don't remember him holding me there on the couch, and then my mom joining and all of us crying for hours. I don't remember Noah eventually taking me upstairs to my room. Pulling the covers up and over me. Leaving me there by myself with my tears.