What is love?
I've loved family
my mother
my brother
my sister
my pets
even my father who didn't stay long
But did I truly love him
or is it my desperation convincing myself I did
He disappeared at such a young age
I wonder
was there a father daughter bond?
Or was there a daughter hoping
that the empty lies weren't such a void
I've never seen the affection portrayed in movies
Physical touch has always been a rare thing
The most I've received is a hug
but it was shallow
Occasionally snuggling up to my mother
but it never lasted long
It made me uncomfortable
And I wasn't sure she liked it either
I asked my mother
how do you know you love someone?
To which she replied
I haven't even figured it out myself
She remarried a few years ago
A year later came my sister
What she had told me instilled doubt
I feared what may happen
I was the same age as my sister
when our family of four
tragically became three
It's taken years to recover
and now it's starting all over
My mother said
not all marriages end as bad as that one
But is that true
It's complicated
is all she can say
I try to imagine loving someone
or someone loving me
And yet all I feel is anxiety and fear
My stomach ties into a knot
I want to turn myself inside out
and never face the world again
Maybe it's the lack of love I've seen
Or my insecurities screaming at me
clouding my vision
It's a waste of my time
I convince myself
And yet I can't help
but feel envy
anytime I see someone love another
I see friends
family
strangers
All loving for who the other is
Accepting of flaws
But I can't have that
I don't even know what it is
I haven't had a true connection
in what feels like an eternity
How am I to believe
That someday
somewhere
I'm going to be accepted
And loved
What is love?
The word seems so shallow
I've survived for so long
surely I can go a little longer
maybe forever
Wondering what intimacy is like
What a healthy
strong
relationship is like
If I avoid it
I won't have to experience
the frustration and suffering my mother did
the frustration and suffering she is
My mind is like an oxymoron
I want it
I crave it
And yet I feel better on my own
Less pressure
No expectations
I'm comfortable with myself
how could I need someone else
