Alora

CHAPTER 8

"I don't want to be here but there's nowhere else to be"

      -Billie Eillish

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ALORA's POV

I was sketching when someone walked into the room. Sclera was almost never in the room so I was always alone. Oh, I thought..it was Thea. She smiled and sat on my bed. "Hey mama" she said. She was fond of calling me that and I never opposed because I read no meaning into it.

"Moshi Moshi" I said playing with her hair.

"I still don't know what that means. How are you doing? You're going for clinicals next month. You ready mama?" She asked getting comfortable beside me

I pondered a bit before responding. I dreaded clinicals more than anything. An introverted surgeon, how was j supposed to make my patients feel they could trust me with their lives. "No I'm not. I wish I could just evaporate" I joked waiting for her to laugh, only.. she didn't.

"Don't joke about dying again." She said coldly. She wasn't the biggest fan of my dark humor

"It's not like I want to die, I just want to evaporate from existence. I don't want to be here but there's no where else to be." I said avoiding her eyes, I could never look straight into them.

She didn't say anything else. She did this when she was upset. In attempt to lighten the mood I asked, "What's your middle name?"

More silence. I continued, "Mine is Sol. It's pretty cheesy actually. Alora means God is light and Sol means sun. I guess it means I'm supposed to be bright and shine for the world always"

She smiled, "My middle name is Machina. It's Hawaiian for moonlight. My parents spent a summer in Hawaii and someone told my mother to name me that."

I squealed in excitement, "you know what this means right? We're the sun and moon!!"

"Yes we are " she replied, "the moon can only shine with the light from the sun. Meaning the moon can't exist without the sun. So promise me you won't joke about dying again"

I didn't promise, I simply nodded. "I'm sleepy "

"Me too. Move over I came here to take a nap actually." She lay beside me and fell asleep before I did. She had a hard time sleeping, apparently the only place she didn't was next to me.

    A few hours had gone by, Machina, as I now decided to call her,  had already left and I was all alone trying to read for finals. My mind began to wander off so I picked up my phone and put on some music. I'd been listening to gospel ever since Kiki told me to try praying, I won't lie it actually calmed my panic attacks but I still felt like I wasn't getting any better. I still felt empty. Was I not good enough to forgive? Did He not want me anymore? It was happening again, I was regressing. "I've come so far " I whispered to myself. A notification popped up on my phone, it was was Kelvin.

"Hola" he was taking Spanish classes and always used every medium to show off

"Yo" I managed to reply

"It's been a while. I'm sorry I have been busy but I hear your exams are coming up and I wanted to wish you luck." At least he cared enough to check up on me, I thought.

"I'm tired Kelvin." I noticed the texts were becoming blurry. I was crying.

"You can get some sleep after your exams. Just try to balance it for now" he texted back.

With tears in my eyes, my breathing shallow, I smiled and texted back, "Yeah I'll do that thanks" I said ending the conversation because I knew my tiredness wasn't a dire need of sleep, it was a dire need of peace.

I sobbed for a while before going back to sleep with the voice in my head repeating the same thing, "Tasukete", meaning "help me" in Japanese.

WEEKS had gone by and exams were finally here. I had regressed. I was back to my melancholic state and was too comfortable in it. I'd managed to convince myself that I was destined to be alone and that is was okay.

As expected exams went smoothly, though there were a few tears after histology exams, I wasn't fazed. Om my way back to the dorm I felt my phone vibrate, I checked it. Goosebumps covered my body, it was my mother. Calculating my responses I called back, "Yes mum?"

"How are your exams going? Hope you haven't gone to disgrace yourself. I'm surprised you haven't been kicked out yet" she said.

"Exams are going well. I have to read, take care of yourself. "

"Good." That was the last thing she said before I heard the call disconnect. We had always been like that. Nothing I did was ever enough for her, sometimes I wonder if her constant disapproval was part of the reasons I turned out like this. I'd never forget my first year of school. She got into a huge fight with my dad, as always, and called me for comfort.

"I'm leaving this house " I remember her crying over the phone

"Then leave, we'll be fine. Just take care of yourself and when you're better you can..." I was trying to explain before she cut me off.

"ALORA" she screamed, "who are you to tell me to leave my husband's house?? I should have just aborted you when I had the chance"

I was mortified. I couldn't even cry. A few minutes later my dad called me and asked, "what did you do to your mother? Why is she crying? She said you insulted her"

I couldn't say a word. After that I was asked to apologize. I did, on countless occasions which she never responded to. "What of my apology? How is she the victim here?" I always wondered.
After that I only said what she wanted to hear and distanced myself from every single one of them and at night, before I went to sleep, I'd whisper, "You should have just aborted me."

  I still think that way. If I wasn't brought into existence I wouldn't have to deal with any of this. I could never resent my mother. I just wish she didn't have to traumatize me just because she was hurting too.
  It was the 29th of May. Clinicals were in two weeks. The thought of that continued to dread me. It seemed like I was the only person bothered about it and it was only fair, I was a student doctor with social anxiety, how could I possibly survive?

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Yo! I have nothing to say actually... just pleaseeee voteeeee and shareeeee and commmeentttttttt. Please!!!

I think I forgot to mention Alora watches anime so that should explain the random Japanese phrases that pop up in her head.

As you can tell something would happen during clinicals that would change Alora forever. Hopefully it doesn't take me a whole month to write about it. Bye loveliesssss

And better vote.