We got into the car to talk privately. After I said all that, Khun Sam remains silent.
Too quiet for my taste...
"Khun Sam."
"Are you shocked?"
She looks at me and sighs. She must have been looking for the best way to talk to me. I nod and smile like it's nothing.
"Yes, I'm shocked, but okay."
"If you are fine, why did you go back to your house?"
"I..."
Because what I did is the opposite of what I said. It's not sensible. Sometimes I hate myself.
"I came back to think about things about us."
"Saw? You are not well. Why did you say you were?"
Khun Sam reaches out to touch my chin.
"I know my grandmother better than anyone in this world. It must have been hard for you."
"..."
"Don't worry. She is elderly. Please just focus on me. Because this is about us."
I remain silent, even though she said it's about us. But I can't stop thinking about the gap between us. Khun Sam, who sees me quiet, forces me to look at her.
"Mon, everything will be fine. I promise."
"I know. Love is between two people, the two of us. But I can live without caring about others. There's not just the two of us in the world."
I face Khun Sam, the woman I love and say what I think.
"It's been a while since I realized things between us. Deep down I still worry about our class difference, as your grandmother said."
"I will be mad at you."
"If you hadn't met me, would you still be dating Mr. Kirk, or I'd already be married to him."
"Mon!"
Tears well up in my eyes. But it wasn't because she yelled at me, it was because I completely agree with her grandmother. I don't deserve her. Everything about us is a parallel.
There is a gap that never converges, status, family and sexuality.
A love story like ours... It is not accepted by our society.
Not only for Khun Sam's grandmother, but also for my family, who I hold dear. I don't know how to tell my parents that I fell in love with a woman. My parents expect me to have children and a good family. May I marry a man and have children.
Khun Sam should have a child and so should I. A woman cannot get pregnant by another by natural means.
Are we resisting?
"I really love you, Khun Sam. Wah."
I lift my hands to cover my face and cry like a little girl. Khun Sam silently hugs me. Her heart is pounding so hard I can hear it.
"I'm going to talk to my grandmother."
***
It's been a long time since I've spoken in the PP gossip group Everyone reacts like they've seen a ghost when I tell them about Khun Sam's grandmother.
Jim: Sam's grandma was the one that made me stay away from her. Seriously, I'm naughty, but her grandma's look makes me feel like a Pattaya hooker.
Kate: She's the type of woman who makes you feel useless just by looking at her. Even though I was an actress who made a lot of money, she used to make me feel useless.
