a work of art

chapter 22: the japanese bridge

I don't think I left my bed for 24 hours.

I lay there, smelling my pillows and crying into the hoodie I'd stolen from Billie. Everything smelled like her; her perfume, her shampoo, hell, even her deodorant. I sniffed it until I was crying so hard my nose was too stuffed up to smell anything anymore.

She'd left my apartment wearing one of my hoodies in exchange for hers. She'd also stolen a pair of my Doc Martens, and I knew I loved her by how unbothered I was.

Apparently crying in her arms just before she left had opened the floodgates, and now I couldn't stop. I was a miserable, splotchy, whimpering, snotty mess.

Around noon, Billie FaceTimed me.

"Oh, baby," she murmured. "What the fuck are you doing?"

"Shut up," I muttered, and buried my face back in the pillow.

"Please don't cry..."

I lifted my face and looked at her on my phone screen. She was laying in her bed, too. Her hair was a wild mess, and her mouth looked puffy and swollen from sleep. She had just woken up, and she looked perfect. I wanted to kiss her so bad my stomach hurt.

I tried to stifle a sob, but it didn't work. I choked on, sounding wretched. "I just miss you."

She groaned. "Baby, nooo. Please, you'll get me started again and it took me forever to stop last night. I barely slept."

"I don't know what's wrong with me," I choked, wiping my nose on her hoodie. "I'm sorry you didn't sleep well. I should've been there."

"No, it's not your fault," she sighed, rubbing her face. "But say the word and you can be here."

I shook my head, trying to steady my breath. "I'm staying here. I'm okay. We're okay. I just need a minute."

When I finally talked her down enough to hang up so she could go to her interview, I pulled the covers over my head and went back to sleep.

I woke up a few hours later to Lee banging in the door with her spare key.

"Your girlfriend called me. Get up, slut!"

We went for a hike in the woods, a little hidden trail I knew that led to a secret waterfall. It was one of the things about the Twin Cities that I loved the most, being able to see a lush green forest five minutes from downtown.

"I needed this reminder," I said softly as we sat beside the curtain of water pouring off a rock face. "That this is home."

A small clear pool of water was at our feet, stretching maybe 12 feet across, where the thin waterfall ended. Even though it was only April and still pretty cold, I took my shoes and socks off and stuck my feet in the freezing water.

"I missed you, dude," Lee punched my arm. "Can't believe you're going to Europe for basically the whole summer."

I sighed. I felt better after the hike, but my mind still felt heavy.

I'd always liked the idea of moving around a lot. For the longest time I had a dream of buying a tiny house, or RV or something, and just driving around the US.

But I also needed roots, stability, and I knew that now more than ever. Only three weeks out with Billie had shown me just how hard a life on the road could be.

Although, her life was a little different from tiny house life.

I leaned my head on Lee's shoulder. "It's... a lot, Lee. Her life is crazy."

"I bet," she said softly. "Stressful."

"Mhm," I murmured, and shut my eyes. "You're just going, constantly. She gets so tired, and it's so hard to watch. The burn out was intense. I was exhausted just watching her; I can't begin to know how she felt."