Stuck and Alone (hosie)

Chapter 3

"Why do you think you didn't tell Caroline when she first asked you?" Emma asks

"I don't know, I guess I thought it was just easier to not talk about it I guess. I didn't want to sit down and talk with you or my family about it. It's pretty embarrassing...pathetic to think that I was scared of Landon like I easily could of overpowered him and I just kept letting him hurt me. I don't know why." I reflect. "It's like I forgot that I had any strength like I physically couldn't do anything other than shrink and cry. Maybe I didn't want to hurt him and I wanted it to be a fair fight. Anyways..."

"I remember just being on edge after that Landon was just my top priority like I couldn't leave him alone or he'd get angry or get sad. It was every other day he'd threaten to off himself. Raf would call me at 2 am and tell me to check on Landon"

"Why didn't you tell anyone about Landon's suicidal ideations?"

"I don't know, I know what happened to me when I was going through it myself my few friends left and I just really had to dig myself out. I saw you and I hid back in my room for almost a year. It was basically hell until I realized that I only like myself when I'm alone. When I'm alone I don't have to worry that I'm doing anything wrong or that I'm wrong. I'm not hurting anyone I'm just existing by myself."

"Didn't you get lonely?" She asks

"Well of course but then I would just make up worlds in my head like when I was little. In my head I could be the hero and I could get far away from here."

"Why didn't you leave"

"Where would I go, and if I did have some where I would feel to guilty to go leaving would feel like tying a noose around Landon's neck myself. Being with him made me feel trapped and scared but if I left I doubt I could have lived with myself. I felt this way until Josie started telling me over and over that I wasn't responsible for his well being. She would tell me he was hurting me even if she only knew about it to the emotional extent. I remember  when she found out I dream about it a lot" I look out the window."
-
-
-
-
"Hope we need to talk" Josie corners me in the hallway about a hall away from my room.

"Josie I can't talk right now" I try to walk past her in passive not a rude or abrasive way.

"Hope what's wrong" she walks in front of me and tries to stop me.

"I need to go" I try to run off but she grabs me

"Hope what's wrong" she holds onto me.

"I need to go" I start hyperventilating and trying to push her off but she's holding on for dear life.

Inevitably I give up on trying to run off and I just start sobbing in her arms she doesn't judge me or make me feel awkward she just hold me and makes me feel like I'm not burdening her with my vulnerability like she wants to help. I couldn't tell anyone and that's probably why it felt so nice just to break under the stress in a health way. It wasn't a self sabotaging or harmful way. I felt a comforting warmth I hadn't felt in a long time.