Grape Juice (By the Border, #1) ✓

1

To Winona Santiago,

Madalas akong napapaisip kung anong nangyayari matapos ang kamatayan. Talaga bang tumatahimik na ang mga kaluluwa natin? Do they walk the streets filled with the oblivious living? Napipilitan lang ba silang manatili? Or is it their choice, as the thought of sharing similarities with the world brings them comfort?

Constantly changing. Stained with chaos. Mostly dead.

Pinagalitan mo ako dati noong tinanong kita tungkol dito. Now here I am, living with these thoughts, dwelling in them alone. Kailangan ko na ring umalis, kaya maikli lang itong sulat. The train is waiting. As for these questions, I'll know the answers to them soon.

I have two more months. Animnapung araw. Pinapaghandaan ko na. It'll take time, but my mind is set. Sana 'wag kang mag-alala. Wala ka namang kailangang gawin. 'Wag ka sanang malungkot. 'Wag kang umiyak. 'Wag kang magsisi sa huli. All I want is for you to understand.

***

4:58 ng umaga ang nabasa ko sa relo nang sinulyapan ko ito. I had lots of minutes to spare, really, but the voice in my head reminded me again to suck it up and leave the house before the sun shed enough light outside. Ayos lang iyon sa 'kin. I never liked mornings.

Dumating din ang tren makalipas ang dalawang minuto. Pinagsiksikan ko ang sarili sa ibang mga pasahero. Their larger frames pushed me away from the automated doors so they could be the first ones to scan their metro cards and find seats inside. Laging paunahan ang ganap dito, at puro empleyado ang pumupuno sa bawat sulok ng tren. Outsiders might think it would be less crowded during early mornings, but in Arden, slow days were rarer than eclipses. Walang araw na hindi nagmamadali ang mga tao sa siyudad na ito na para bang may hinahabol. Whether it was the extra pennies added in their paychecks, or the relief of staying anywhere but home, I would never know.

It was unusual to see a highschool student sitting here among half-awake adults at barely 5 o'clock, so people would often send me confused glances. Ayos lang. Nasanay na ako. The music blasting from my earphones helped, blocking their whispers and the loud, repetitive sounds coming from the train as it ran on the single-track railway.

'Di nagtagal ay nakarating din ako sa eskwelahan. Naabutan ko pa ang gwardyang hindi pa ubos ang kaniyang kape. Some janitors had started sweeping off fallen leaves to the side of the campus grounds. They littered the ends of the large oval with varied shades of orange.

"Ang aga pa, Santiago," anang guard nang makalampas ako sa gate. Tinunguan ko lang siya at umalis na rin. He was a friendly man. I wasn't. Duda akong magkakasundo kami. Maybe he was a fellow who saw through others' souls, and upon looking at mine, he found it slipping away. But I didn't need saving.

Hindi ko na siya binalikan ng tingin.

I welcomed the empty corridors when I reached the fourth floor of our building. Hindi ko hawak ang susi sa classroom namin kahit ako ang laging nauunang makarating dito, pero ayos lang sa aking manatili rito sa may railings. They were the only things preventing me from falling off the edge. Tahimik kong pinanood ang mga janitor sa baba. The music filled my ears, and more than a dozen songs played before students started swarming in. I reached into my skirt's pocket to increase the volume of the current song as my classmates began to occupy the space.

May nagbukas na rin ng pinto, at isa-isang pumasok ang mga kaklase ko sa loob. Hindi natigil ang ingay nila. If anything, they'd gotten louder. Hindi ako sumunod kaagad sa pagpasok. Pangit ang kinalalabasan ng umaga ko tuwing sumasabay ako sa kanila. Minsan kasi ay nagsisimula na silang mangkutya bago pa tumunog ang bell. I remembered one of them grabbing my earphones and making the whole class look at my playlists, then proceeded to criticize every song they saw. Nahanap ko ang earphones sa basurahan bandang uwian.