Problem Solvers

c'est la vie

Chapter 1

Chapter Text

Klaus could not let even a second pass in silence. No, he had to open his mouth as soon as he did the van's door.

"John agrees with me!" he declared. "Adeline thinks we're full of shit, but she was outvoted in the end. So, there's that."

Did Klaus really expect him to remember the names of the reprobates in his support group? Five did not, and would not, spare them a thought beyond their purpose to Klaus. He certainly wouldn't keep tabs on whatever petty squabbles they might have among themselves.

Klaus buckled into his seat, babbling all the while. "And, in fact, he sees it as a step in the right direction. And, and didn't you say something about incremental progress? Huh, Five?"

Five gave him a flat look. "The hell are you talking about?"

"Alcohol, my man! The good old fashioned, legal and ethical consumption of-"

"Klaus." Five kept his eyes on the road as he pulled into traffic, but he knew he had his brother's attention just from his silence. "If you go on a bender I swear to god I will disown you."

"What about drinking in moderation!" Klaus sputtered. "What about-"

"You wouldn't know moderation if it crawled up your ass and spawned in your stomach," Five growled. "You tell John the next time you see him that he can take his ideas with him to an early grave if he's so passionate about them."

By now Klaus had mastered the art of the put upon sigh. "You're an absolute delight, Five. Has anyone ever told you that? Just the sweetest- ow!"

Five glanced over. "I didn't hit you."

" Ben did! What the hell, man?!"

Five blinked, peering into the back of the van where he presumed Ben's ghost was. "He can hit you?'

Klaus shuddered. "It was more of a zap. He claims it was an accident, but- ow!"

Five smirked. "Good job, Ben."

"You're both so mean to me!" Klaus said. "He says the second one was on purpose, and I for one-"

"Shut up," Five said. "You're giving me a headache."

Klaus did not shut up.

Five had found that, while wearing Vanya's clothes, it was easier to pretend he was a sixteen year old.

If that meant he and Klaus were pulled over less often, who was he to argue against the practicality of it?

But they were still pulled over occasionally. And when Five could not produce a learner's permit Klaus would inevitably take the wheel, under the watchful eye of the friendly men in blue.

"You're below the speed minimum, Klaus."

"There's a minimum?"

"Yes, you idiot!" An impatient young woman was tailgating them and honked indignantly at their progress. Or lack thereof. Five flipped her off. "Speed up already."

The woman finally had the bright idea to switch lanes.

"I'm surprised you even have a valid license," Five said. "When's the last time you drove, anyway? Without me, I mean."

Normally you couldn't get Klaus to shut up if you paid him, but Five had noticed a remarkable shift in his brother's disposition when he was behind the wheel.