Problem Solvers

Who Will Live Will See

It was always so fucking awkward. It was painfully awkward talking to that stupid doppelganger.

But, alone in Diego's apartment, Five decided he had no choice. He couldn't talk to Mom because she'd forgotten to buy herself a cellphone.

So he called the senile old man for advice.

The first thing Sir Five said, when he picked up the phone, was, "The hell is going on in New York, mister?"

"It's a fucking mess!" Five said. "Everyone's gone insane!"

"I fucking know," Sir said. "But why the hell are they acting like a bunch of lunatics?"

"I haven't the faintest clue," Five said. "And I'm panicking like a fucking hysterical woman."

"Whoa," Sir said. "Look... stay calm."

"Please," Five said. "You have to rescue me!"

"Greek," Sir said.

"Mom said you're her knight," Five said. "Um... is it rude for me to ask you to be mine too?"

"Not at all," Sir said. "In fact? Thank you for asking. I will happily rescue you."

"Awesome!" Five said. "Cause I'm really fucking confused right now."

"As am I, my friend," Sir said. "But maybe we can solve this puzzle together."

"Fuck yes," Five said. "Um, but... like, I'm not trying to be mean, but we're not allowed to call them puzzles anymore."

"Fuck that," Sir said. "I'm the exception to that stupid rule."

"Really?" Five said.

"I'm a vault," Sir said.

"Hell yeah!" Five said. "That's awesome!"

"Um... can you give me a synonym for 'awesome'?" Sir said. "And don't get fucking offended. Fuck. I'm not calling you stupid."

"I didn't think you were," Five said. "And sure... hmm... it's perfect?"

"Excellent," Sir said. "So what the hell are those people doing over there, hmm? Why have they lost their fucking minds?"

"I don't know!" Five said. "Diego's afraid of the new robot? But he's contradicting himself a lot, so it doesn't make any sense!"

"Fucking Diego," Sir said. "That idiot has been infected with an insidious disease."

"You think so?" Five said. "He said it's the robot that broke."

"Nope," Sir said. "Catherine is a doll. Something's wrong with HIM."

"Daaaaaamn," Five said. "You're a genius, man! A genius!"

"I know it," Sir said. "So let's figure this out."

"Gotcha," Five said. "Um... like... where do we start?"

"Good question," Sir said. "Okay, look, today we are conspiracy theorists."

"Fuck yeah," Five said. "I love that game."

"As do I!" Sir said. "Fuck. Sorry. I got over excited."

"It's allowed!" Five said.

"It is?" Sir said.

"Fuck yeah," Five said. "I'm the motherfucking exception to that stupid rule."

"You're a genius," Sir said. "A prodigy. Good lordy."

"I know it, sir!" Five said. "Fuuuck. Shit."

"What's wrong?" Sir said.

"Um," Five said. "I just want to state something for the record."