Inside The Storm

Chapter 8

⚠️TW EATING DISORDER⚠️

July 4th, 2023

"Amelia? What happened?" A male voice calls from outside of the ambulance as I the gurney I'm on gets lifted to the ground.

"She passed out. I don't think she's been eating!" Amelia says frantically as I try to open my heavy eyes. Amelia stands in front of the gurney leading us into the hospital as I feel a hand holding mine. I try my best to turn my head to see Maria looking down at me panicked.

"She's awake! Amelia she's awake!" Maria yells causing me to squint my eyes away from her.

"Uh should we go into a trauma room?" Amelia asks, forgetting all of her medical knowledge in a fit of panic.

"No let's just take her to a patient room and run some tests on her." Alex says leading us through the ER and into an elevator.

"Am I allowed to come?" Maria asks, still holding a death grip on my hand.

"Probably not you're not family." Alex says trying to rush. Maria goes to let go of my hand and I use all of my strength to hold her back. I grab her so hard she must be in pain but I want to send a message. I can't go anywhere without her. I look up at Maria, using all my might to lift my head, tears pricking in the corners of my eyes.

"Maria you can come!" Amelia says trying to shut the elevator door. "You're as much my daughter as she is." Maria enters the elevator and we go up floor after floor as I grasp her hand tighter.

We finally reach where we're needed signaled by the elevator stopping and the door opening. Alex pushes me down a hallway as Amelia and Maria try to keep up. We pull into a patient room and they lift me onto the bed. Alex leaves us alone, Maria still holding my hand tightly and Amelia staring at me with tears filing her eyes.

"Hey hon." Amelia says in a hushed tone stroking my hair. "Do you remember what happened?"

That's a loaded question. What do I remember? I remember pretty much everything from birth to now. I've read about people who forgot huge chunks of their life as a trauma response. I wish I was one of those people. I wish I could forget everything but I know what Amelia is referring to. She's referring to me passing out at the huge Fourth of July picnic because I haven't eaten in 4 days.

But, if she's asking if I remember what lead to me passing out, I would still say yes. I would say I remember my mom poking at my chubby cheeks when I was 6 years old. "Baby fat" she would call it. I also remember 5th grade health class when my weight was "higher" then it should be for my height and age. Then once again in 6th grade when the boy I was head over heals in love with, Brad Crofters, dumped me for Tiffany Winston, a 80 pound soaking wet 4"10 cheerleader blonde.

If all of that lead to this, I would understand but it didn't. Yes those comments and moments changed my perspective on my life style and eating, it wasn't until the summer going into 7th grade when everything took off. I was at my best friend at the time, Francis Baker, house and we were sitting in her couch eating a bag of potato chips.

Her mom bursted through the front door, heavily intoxicated, screaming like a lunatic. She ran over to us and yelled at us for eating to many calories. Yes she yelled at Francis but she turned most of her focus and anger at me. She said Francis knew so much better than to eat calories like this and it must of been my fault. She then said I had a lot of weight to lose and snatched the chips out of our hands and threw them out.

I left Francis's house that day and never went back. I ignored her in school the next year which was specifically hard during science when we were paired up for a project. She never asked me why I ghosted her and I'm forever grateful for that.

The night after Francis's moms blow up, I stayed up all night researching diets and weight lose tactics. Keto, Atkins, protein bars, high carb, no carb, it was all so confusing. Finally I came across some medical website outlining some mental disorder called anorexia. I skipped over all the information and cons of it and went straight to pictures. Photos of these girls, before they looked like me and after, they were supermodels. Their faces thin with cheek bones showing and their thighs not touching one bit. That was my beauty standard. That was what I wanted to achieve.

It seemed easy to me, just don't eat. That won't be a problem there's usually nothing to eat in the house anyway. So I tried it, going days without eating anything. Some days I would let myself cheat with a stick of gum or piece of candy if I was being crazy. After months of doing this successfully, the feeling of hunger that was once numb, came back at full force. I felt my body eating itself from the inside out and I needed food. Anything would do.

I ran to the kitchen and ate everything in sight. Bananas, chips, bread, butter, raw eggs, anything. After my stomach was so full with the most disgusting things I could find, I sat on the kitchen floor crying. I sobbed for hours at what I had just done. Then my mouth filled with salty saliva and I involuntarily gagged. I felt the gallons off food fighting it's way back up. I rushed to the bathroom, throwing up violently. After an hour I still felt like I had more food in me so I took two fingers and shoved them down my throat, causing the rest of the food to come up. That's how I learned one of my favorite techniques.

So, if Amelia is asking if I remember what happened, I do. I really do.