Inside The Storm

Chapter 9

"Claire?" Maria says unsure, her voice shaking in fear. I turn my head away from Amelia and face Maria to see a single tear fall down her cheek before its quickly wiped away as if it was never there.

"Maria." I say, my voice hoarse from not speaking for about an hour. Maria's look of fear turns to confused happiness and squeezes my hands tightly.

"Would you like me to leave you two together?" Amelia asks gently. I shake my head in agreement, hoping I didn't hurt her feelings. Amelia leans in to kiss my forehead before leaving the patient room.

I move over to the other side of the gurney, making room for Maria to climb in. She puts the guard rail down and climbs in next to me. She lays on her back and pats her breasts signaling for me to lay my head there. I do as she signals and bury my face in her, letting my senses get consumed with her sent.

She runs her fingers through my hair gently with one hand and rubs my back with the other. I throw my arms around her neck and close me eyes.

"Do you want to talk about?" She whispers softly incase I was sleeping. I groan into her dress as if that's an answer. "It's ok honey we can talk tomorrow. Get some sleep beautiful." She says still playing with my hair letting me sink into her.

July 5th, 2023

Sun streams in across my face from the window, darting into my eyes waking me up. I turn my head away from the window and immediately met with an empty bed, a lightly sunken imprint in the shape of Maria. The smell of her mint shampoo latched onto the hospital sheets.

I try to lift my body up into a seated position, using all the strength in my malnourished body. I finally reach my desired spot, my breathing turned heavy.

"Oh shit you're awake." Maria says concerned as she swings open the door. "I didn't want you to think I abandoned you." My cheeks flush at the thought of someone caring that much about me. "Well any how I got you something to eat and some coffee and before you start saying you're nauseous or not hungry you're eating. I'm gonna sit here with you and make sure you're comfortable then I'm gonna wait until you've digested it so you can't go in the bathroom and hack it all up."

She places two plastic take out containers on the tray table that comes across the bed and puts down two coffees. She puts the guard rail down and climbs back into her spot.

"You can eat whenever you're ready I'm not going to force you." She says grabbing my hand and looking into my eyes with a slight look of fear. Fear of what exactly I'm not sure. She throws her arm around my back and lays her hand on my waist, pulling her self closer. "Do you want to see Amelia?"

No. No. No. No. Seeing Amelia is the last thing I want to do right now. I've already brought so much stress into her life and it's only been a week of me living with her. She should just give me back or kill me before I have the chance to do it myself. I curl my body up against Maria and shake my head no.

"It's ok you don't have to see her just yet but she's gonna want to talk to you soon." Of course she will. "Do you want to try and eat something?" Maria says trying to stay strong as her voice cracks. Eating is the last thing I want to do but I'm not sure if I can stomach seeing a tear fall down her face.

I nod my head slightly, hoping she won't notice. She does, of course, and sits up quickly pulling the tray closer to me. She helps me sit up and hands me a plastic fork.

"I have some eggs from the cafeteria in this one. I'm not so sure if you should eat that it's quite gross. Oh and this is pancakes!" She says lifting the container on the right up. She pops the lid open and the hot steam floats around us. "I also got you some coffee incase you fancied that." She says laughing with a slight British accent at the end.

I reach for the coffee cup as I lay my head on her shoulder again, hoping she'll hold me. She wraps her arm around my neck, pulling me in to her.

"I just want you to be ok Claire. I really care about you."

"I know I know."

July 9th, 2023
"Aren't you excited?" Claire says dropping and coffee off in my room before her shift. Excited, yeah. Excited to go to Amelia's house and ruin her life once again. Excited to have Amelia watch everything I do and feel as if she has to walk on eggshells around me. Yeah I'm really excited.

"Yeah yeah. You gotta go or you're gonna be late." I say pulling her in by her neck for a kiss goodbye.

"Bye hon I'll see you after work." She says before disappearing through the door. Now's the time. Time to do what I've been planning for years. Finally get it over with. Finally kill myself.

It's always been a thought running through my head, sometimes worse and sometimes better. Now was one of the worse times, if not the very worst.

I spin my body around and flip my legs over the bed, I've finally been upgraded to a patient bed without rails around it. I grasp the iv on wheels and go to take my 'laps'.

"Claire! Hi! How are you feeling?" Alex says meeting me as I leave my room.

"Uh I'm good." I say trying to brush him off. I knew he would be hounding me since he's always on the ped floor.

"Glad to see you moving." He says placing an arm around my shoulder. "Have you talked to Amelia yet?" I haven't yet. I haven't spoken to her since the fourth of July. I just can't face her. I feel like I've disappointed her. I know she doesn't want to see me so I'll take one for the team and do what's best for both of us.

"No not yet." I say with my head down. Finally I'm relieved from talking with Alex when his pager beeps.

"Sorry Claire I gotta go. Talk to Amelia!" He yells as he runs away. Finally some peace and quiet. I walk some more before reaching a small supply closet. I duck into it and shut the door behind me.

I start frantically searching for anything. I suture kit, a pair of really sharp scissors, anything. The razor in the back of my phone case has been sitting in the bottom of my trash can under my desk since Maria saw my cuts. I can't bare to hurt her more but, I guess I'm gonna hurt her now.

That's not the point at all. It's for the best. The best for everyone. Jackpot. I struck gold. A scalpel nicely kept in plastic. Actually, multiple scalpels. If my life wasn't ending today I would have taken more. I pick it up and play with it lightly in my hands before the closet lightens.

I quickly shove the scalpel in my underwear, the plastic stabbing me, before turning around to reveal Amelia standing in the doorway.

"Claire what are you doing in here?" She asks concerned.

"Uh just wanted some quiet." I try to laugh it off as I push past her.

"Claire." Amelia says grabbing my arm, restricting me from leaving. Her eyes watering slightly.

"I'm fine." I say harshly, pulling away from Amelia's grasp. I speed back to my room, hoping Amelia won't follow me. She doesn't and I run into my room and duck into the bathroom. The smell of chemicals and bleach is extra strong in here.

I take a seat on the closed toilet and pull the scalpel out of my underwear. My hands shake lightly as I pull back the plastic to reveal the weapon. I pull it out and toss the wrapper on the floor. I lay my right arm out, assuming it will be easier to cut my left arm while my other arm is bleeding.

I place the scalpel to my wrist and pull up all the way to my elbow. I whence in pain and a little joy. I do a few more cuts before moving to my left arm. I repeat the motion until my arm is so shaky from blood lose, the scalpel falls to the ground.

My breathing gets heavy as everything hits me. This is it. This is the end. Finally. My eyes start to get heavy and my body feels light. My eyes splotch in black dots as I feel my eyes close. Closed for good.