Where We Meet

6: Reunion

Jay and I walked in incredibly uncomfortable silence to his car. It was a nice car. Sleek and black. It almost looked like a race car, but it was more comfortable than that. I remembered our last conversation about cars three years ago.

***Flashback***

'So, why don't you have a car?' I asked. 

'It's just not that convenient, here in Seattle. $400 for parking, hundreds of dollars for maintenance. I'd rather walk to the grocery store literally ten minutes away, or take the subway.'

***End of Flashback***

My heart folds in on itself and it hurts. It feels like I am choking on something and I can't breathe. Jay opens the car door for me, and I sit, without looking at him, or saying thank you. 

I don't think he'd mind. 

Jay walks around the car, and I observe the way he walks. He has a little jump in his step, and his demeanor is easy and relaxed. His leather jacket and cargo pants are having an effect on me that I really, really, wish they didn't. 

He slides into the driver's seat next to me, and I realize, as he closes the car door, that his intoxicating scent will fill the car and I will be trapped with it for an hour. 

Fuck my life. 

Jay is quiet. He starts the car without another word, and drives. 

It is silent for some time, as Jay pulls out of the parking lot. As we pull onto the main avenue, he finally speaks. I almost jump, but am glad that I don't. 

The silence is loud when it breaks, sometimes. 

'You're gonna have to tell me where we're going. Aaron said you would know the way.' he says. 

Hearing Aaron's name on his tongue feels like the dirtiest sin. It saddens and infuriates me at the same time. Maybe this is why you never hear the men you cheat with say your boyfriend's name. It's always 'him' or 'your guy' or something like that. 

I swallow, realizing how dry my throat is.

'Okay.' I say in a small voice, thanking my lucky stars it didn't crack. I clear my throat. 'Keep going straight and get off the highway when you reach the sign that says 'Brent Avenue'.' 

He nods, and then looks at me. As quickly as our eyes meet, he looks away. I feel a jolt in my chest, and my heart is constantly beating at a hundred miles per hour since the moment I sat in the car. We are both silent as he drives.

For some reason, the tension in the air isn't there anymore. It's just me and him, but my heart is now calm. I still remember how that used to happen before. When we would be horny for each other, and at other times, when we would just talk and there was no feeling of romance or sexual attraction. We would just talk. 

That is how the atmosphere changed in the car. For no apparent reason, the tension was gone and the silence was now comfortable. It didn't change the fact that I didn't want to talk to him or didn't hate him for giving up, or not even trying for us. 

'What are you thinking?' he says. 

I look at him properly for the first time. I look at him like it is a privilege. I take him in, because those words used to arouse me to no end when he used to say them to me. 

Now, I only felt sad. 

'What do you think I'm thinking?' I say. 

I want to say his name, but the fact that he didn't tell me his name, and that I learned it from a third party, feels like he never gave me the right to speak his name.