From Eden

sixteen

As I collected my thoughts, I found that I was able to relax myself by just breathing; I didn't have to throw up, or smoke something. For a moment, that made me happy, and I mentally considered that a win before remember what I was relaxing over: I might have feelings for Chloe.

I shook my head to myself and stood up, leaving my juice on my nightstand with the bottles of water. You know when you zone out on something, and you can't tear your eyes from that specific spot on the wall no matter how hard you try? That was me then. I thought, logically, how could I not fall for Chloe? She was so kind, and so very patient with me. Without her, this recovery would have been a thousand times more painful. I know she took a massive weight off of my family's shoulders too, since she would always volunteer to be around me. My parents didn't have to watch me 24/7, and I never had to go to rehab. And, at that, she would act genuinely happy to be around me, even in my darkest moments. Despite my current panic, I felt a rush of love for her. What kind of love, I wasn't sure. Panic resume.

I walked out of my bedroom door, and Josh stopped me again in the hallway before going to his room. "Hey Paige, sorry about what I said earlier, at the table. I didn't mean to be an asshole about it. I know you're struggling—"

"I need to go for a walk," I said robotically, pushing past him with an absence. I was still pretty zoned out, but to not sound as rude, I added, "It's okay, by the way. I just really need to leave the house."

"Where are you going, are you alright? I can hook you up with my therapist?"

"I'll find my own." I snorted, despite my intense thoughts. That definitely broke my concentration as I raced down the stairs and hurried out the door. The more I thought about it, I really should have found a therapist by now, so I figured I would look later. I thought about where to possibly find one as I power walked down the street, to avoid all human contact. It wasn't long, though, before Chloe crept back into my thoughts. Sighing, I figured I needed to just think this out, become zen with nature, all that bullshit.

I decided to walk to the woods near my house, hoping I could find some peaceful solitude there. I was so busy trying to find a physical distraction from my thoughts that I didn't realize my withdrawal symptoms weren't as bad as they were the past week. Shit, it was always something though; they die down, I catch feelings for my best friend. One that lives three thousand miles away, and who most likely already has girls lined up for her back there. Although, when Brooke asked Chloe if she had anyone back in Los Angeles, she didn't really act like there was anyone important to her.

I kind of smacked myself in the head lightly at the thought. For God's sake, I was already acting like I was completely ready to date her! I so wasn't...maybe I wasn't even a lesbian. Bisexual, maybe? I never really tried anything with a woman, from what I remember of my drunken days. My hookups were mainly men. What if I told Chloe I was into her, and it ended up being that I just really loved her as a friend, and I broke her heart? The thoughts began to weigh on me heavily.

Once I made it to the woods, I tried to find a tree stump to sit on or some shit. I was pretty sweaty already, since it was a little humid outside. I groaned when I realized I forgot to bring my phone, so I had to hum to myself if I wanted to hear any music. I hummed some bad country song I heard the day before, unable to get it out of my head like it was a bad taste in my mouth.

There was a long, wiltering log across the floor of grass that I eventually came to, so I sat on that. Silently, I hoped it wouldn't get my leggings too dirty. I sat there for a while, with my head in my hands; my head began to pound when I initially sat down. I spent some time trying to think through my feelings on the log, still humming some songs. To a person passing by, I must have looked insane.