More Than You Know [Mildred Pierce - Rosa Moline]

From the Photoplay Covers

Everything that goes up, eventually, must come down... I learned that the hard way. After all the horrible events that had come about with my daughter, Veda, and now late husband, Monte , I knew I had no choice but to turn to another page and continue a new chapter of my life. I had to start completely over. Though, fortunately and unfortunately, doing such a thing was something I was all but too used to already.

There are no words that can exactly encapsulate nor explain the way I felt when everything exploded right in my face. Anger, frustration, and pure desperation had filled my soul to the absolute brim, inducing a then total overspill into every part of me. Those leadened feelings, the pervasive nature of each of them, had permeated their way through me so extensively that I had reached the point where I was ready to make one of the most extreme decisions one could ever make.

I was sick and tired of being caught up in the middle of an unceasingly calamitous hurricane, with feelings of guilt for being so weak running its own course through me. I simply just felt defeated. When I should have taken charge, I wasn't strong enough to... And when I should have stood up for myself, I didn't. It was all just too much for one person to handle, and I didn't know how I had endured it until now. Other people would've completely crumbled under so much pressure.

But, after the investigation and questioning was through and over with, I, looking at it now, suppose the way things ended was for a reason. While I was ready to sacrifice myself and the future of my own life for my daughter, with time, it became increasingly clear that it wasn't the right thing to do. Ultimately, no matter who they are, people have to take ownership of their own actions and pay for their sins. My darling Veda... Was no exception.

In my heart I knew I tried... Oh god, how hard I tried... To be the best mother I could be! But after a while, I learned that intentions alone do not make someone even remotely good at what they do. It's about action, taking the initiative. Even if it's hard, even if that means... Having to fight with your own children for what is morally right.

As everything had come crashing down, Bert, my first husband, stayed close to me ー maybe a bit too close for my own liking ー for support. In all honesty... I really wanted nothing else but friendship from him. Though it had become quite clear from the moment I became a widow, that Bert wanted more than to be my pillar of support, he wanted us to be together again. Though, no matter which way I looked at it, him and I being a pair once more just didn't seem right . Not only was it too fast, but I needed time to mourn, to process all the shocking situations I had been through.

In a way, I also didn't want to bring more disgrace and unfortunate events on someone else. I didn't want to fail again. What didn't work in the first place, wouldn't work again. I couldn't go back to him and travel in the same circles of the past. Yes, he was the father of my daughters, but now we were only left with the rubble of what once was a family. A family that no longer existed. Even though we didn't speak of it, when he and I were near to each other all I could feel was the emptiness and void that Kay and Veda had left.

I wanted a fresh start, away from everything I ever knew. Everything was linked to what I had built here and then lost in front of my eyes. No only the materialistic aspect of it all, but also in a way, Veda too. Now, she was behind bars after a long and painful trial; yet I couldn't seem to find the strength to forgive her. It was her time to pay for all her mistakes.

I had to come to terms with the loss of what once was my little Veda. She was not little, nor my Veda. It was hard to face the reality, and the fact that I had raised a woman like her. It was also difficult for me to see how low my own daughter had fallen. I should have realized earlier, but unfortunately, it was too late.

It was logical to leave California. I just wanted to be so far away from where everything had been destroyed that I ended up throwing myself in for an adventure. As I took in the sights on my way to the East Coast I ended up descending at the grand platform of the Chicago Train Station. When the locomotive reached the station, I knew that this was where I would start things anew. The air was different, the smiles from the strangers on the streets were so jolly... you could hear the music on the main avenue blending in with the messy symphony of honking cars, loud conversations, the busy and rushed feet stomping on the stairs to the subway... I was just beaming.