Dreams: Diary of a Chaebol

Entry 6 pt. 3

"Don't answer that yet," she snaps as I reach into my pocket. "Wait until we're done speaking."

"It's David."

"We can call him later. Right now there's an issue we haven't solved."

I send a quick apology text to David then power off my phone. I take a deep breathe and slowly exhale. My hands are trembling.

She's standing in front of me now, glaring at the pill bottle in my other hand. A muscle flexes in her jaw. She doesn't say anything for a moment.

Just when the silence begins to eat me up with its itchy discomfort she murmurs, "Answer me."

"Jagiya... I can't... I... it's too much to explain–"

"Start from the beginning," she says calmly, still directing her lazer gaze at the bottle. "I'm a patient woman."

"Let's at least sit down." I carefully move the folded clothes out of the way to make space. After I sit,  I pat the empty space next to me. Alice concedes. Afterwards, I slowly begin to explain the situation surrounding the Ativan—how I'd been going to therapy since I came to the States, my fears regarding the horrible dream I had of my cousin killing me, and the feeling of insanity that nips at the edges of my mind when I think about tomorrow's trip to Seoul.

I didn't, however, tell her about Seong Jae... at least that my parents had arranged us to be married and how hard I was trying to end things. There was no easy way of sharing that information, and I didn't yet have the courage to do so. Not until I've broken things off first.

When I'm done explaining everything, tears are are glistening in Alice's eyes.

"And you thought keeping this from me was okay, because?" Her nose is running, so I stand up to bring the tissue box to her, blinking away the tears that are forming in my own eyes. I watch as her bleary image grab a tissue and wipe at my eyes. Suddenly, my world sharpens and I'm looking into her worried eyes that tremor like coffee beans on low-boil.

"It must have been so hard, mon chéri." She's wiping more tears that are peeling down my cheeks. At the same time, I'm wiping her nose and crumpling the tissue in my hand. When I'm finished, I look down and away.

I hated feeling this way: weak; exposed; broken.

I swallow once. Alice has her arms wrapped around me. I have to fucking pull myself together right now, I'm thinking. This wasn't how things were supposed to go. But... in this warm bedroom, sitting on this bed with the woman that I loved, my body doesn't understand that it isn't supposed to unravel this quickly.

"It's because you feel safe around her, Alex. From what you've told me, your girlfriend knows how to speak to your wounded inner child and help remind you that you're cared for," I remember Linda saying to me once.

All those years staying hunched under the gaze of my parents, all those years coming back to an empty house of porcelain and glass, not even bothering to look for them because I knew they were busy, reading alone in my study with only my tutor for company. If not for Linda, I wouldn't have known to what extent this had negatively affected me.

If not for Alice, I wouldn't have known I didn't have to stay this way: that lonely kid who walked to the fourth floor of his own parents' building to die without thinking twice. That overachieving, perfect idiot the world could see, but couldn't touch. A kid who didn't know what he wanted because he had spent it living it for someone else.

I put my hand to her face and gently graze my thumb against her cheek which still felt damp with tears. "I didn't want you to be worried about me. That's why I didn't tell you." I feel the motion of her head nodding against my chest. "And I was scared." My vision blurs again. The light outside the window blends to white.