Endless chase [Woosan ff]

2 - Departure

- But why?! - Wooyoung asks with a broken voice while staring at his best friend, who has a look of guilt and sadness painted on his face.

- Because I feel like I need to get out of this place, Woo. -

"Woo".

That has been his nickname for Wooyoung ever since they were ten, yet the younger has given his now boyfriend Mingi the privilege to call him that.

And San doesn't understand why it feels like it's such a big deal, but it makes him feel dizzy and weak. Once again, he's jealous that he isn't the only one in Wooyoung's life, the only one to call him "Woo".

It's just a nickname, he knows it's stupid, but he can't help to grimace at the idea.

San's heart keeps on pounding hard against his chest, he can feel his own pulse in his wrists, neck and temples.

- Am I not enough as a best friend anymore, Sannie? -

Another stab in the heart.

That's Wooyoung's special nickname for him. He's going to miss Wooyoung's voice calling him that.

San keeps on staring at the floor while fighting back the tears which threaten of spilling out his eyes, his hands fidgeting and fingers picking at his nails.

- You're more than enough, Woo. - San has to find all his self-restraint not to burst out crying right there and then.

Instead, he manages to mask his sadness quite well, almost keeping an emotionless voice.

- I just feel like this city can't give me anything else. - He lies. - I need to experience another city to understand what I'm looking for in life, you know? -

Wooyoung's heart clenches at that, because he doesn't feel enough for his best friend, for his Sannie, and it kills him. Knowing he has disappointed him in any way which has led to the older wanting to go to a university on the other side of the country.

- But you'll come back, right? - Wooyoung's lips are almost trembling as he too casts his gaze to the floor, a heavy feeling at the pit of his stomach.

There's a moment of silence where San ponders his options. He can build another life, away from the pain of the sight of the couple of Wooyoung and Mingi. He might even get a job there after graduation, and maybe he can find another love.

One that loves him back.

A single tear leaves his eyes, but his hand is quick to catch it before Wooyoung can even notice.

But is San actually worth of love? Will he be able to find somebody else? Somebody to replace Wooyoung?

No.

Wooyoung is too much of a fundamental piece in San's life for him not wanting to see him ever again.

San slowly lifts his gaze, a broken smile tilting his lips upward while his eyes are brimmed with tears.

- I'll come back for you. - San eventually breathes out. - I promise, Woo. -

He is the first to burst out crying, burying his wet cheeks in his palms as he sobs desperately.

He loves Wooyoung so much.

He loves him to the point that he has to physically leave his hometown to avoid getting hurt the more time passes.

He has to stop seeing Wooyoung, so that he can forget him and the stupid feelings which come with the sight of him.

He wants to forget the way Wooyoung looks, his sparkling eyes under the dim yellow light of his room, they way his cheeks flush red every time San calls him cute.

San wants to forget the way he sounds with his Goyang accent, all his stupidly cute "ha?" whenever he's confused, and all his lame jokes.

He wants to forget his laugh, the one thing he loves the most out of all the things he loves about him.

He wants to forget all about Wooyoung.

Then, maybe, he will be able to find somebody else to love him back.

Still, the idea of having anybody but Wooyoung to love him back feels repulsing.

- I promise, Woo. - San meets the younger's eyes, which are now wet too, silent tears trailing down them. - You know I can't live without you. -

They both chuckle, and San only wishes Wooyoung knew how much his heart has clenched at those words.

How much it hurts.

Because it hurts too fucking much.

And again San is shoving his face in his hands as he cries desperately, whispering inaudible "I'm sorry" and "I'm not enough" while wishing he could say "I love you" instead.

Wooyoung scoots closer on his bed, now sitting next to him with his back propped against the headboard. His left hand almost naturally raises to gently pat his back, soft strokes to calm San's breath as he whispers a trail of gentle "it's okay".

Half a hour later, and they are both laying in silence on Wooyoung's bed, tangled in each other as they enjoy their last few hours together before San has to leave to catch the train.

San then will be 4 hours away, and Wooyoung knows that he will need a miracle for him to be able to find some time to visit him in between his full university and job schedules and Mingi's clinginess.

The younger sighs, inhaling the sickening sweet smell of San's shampoo through his hair. All his limbs relax, and for a second he thinks that a life without San is a life unworthy of living.

Meaningless and empty.

That's exactly how he feels when he presses San close to his chest before waving him goodbye at the train station. They both can feel each other's heartbeats way too loudly, beating way too fast against their chests.

- Don't forget me. - Wooyoung mumbles in San's hair.

- I could never. - San mumbles back from his bent position, face pressed into Wooyoung's crook of the neck.

They stay like that for two more minutes before Wooyoung feels his shoulder get wet from all the tears San is spilling, and he wishes he knew what to do to make him feel better in occasions like these.

He can't bear seeing San in such condition, but all he can do is bury his face further in the older's hair and let his pain pour out of his eyes too in the form of salty tears.

They don't say anything as they part, red, puffy eyes stuck on each other as San climbs inside the wagon and the door in between them closes. And when the train leaves, all they can do is stare at each other through the dirty glass, pure pain on their flushed faces.

Wooyoung doesn't move for a good twenty minutes.

He just stands there in front of the train tracks, head hanging low and spinning.

- Come on, baby, let's go home. - Mingi then whispers in his ear, gently rubbing his shoulder to somehow comfort his boyfriend, but all he receives back is silence and empty eyes.

So Mingi forcefully picks him up and sits him down in the car. Wooyoung is reluctant to let go, feeling like Mingi letting him down means he is going to leave him too.

- Woo, let me get to my seat. - Mingi chuckles, but Wooyoung shakes his head.

So they stay like that for as long as Wooyoung needs to calm down, tears silently falling on his boyfriend's shoulder.