Endless chase [Woosan ff]

5 - Confession

- Why didn't you get coffee? - San asks as he observes Wooyoung sip his matcha latte instead of his usual caramel macchiato.

There's some uneasiness in this: Wooyoung's all about habits, and seeing him break one means something bad happened.

Wooyoung shrugs, smiling feebly at the older.

- I might actually try to nap a bit once we go back home. - He explains. - I haven't slept much in the past few days. -

He speaks with this grave tone which makes San aware of the fact that he hasn't actually asked Wooyoung how he really feels.

He had him make breakfast and clean his house without asking even once how he was or what he wanted.

And San feels like shit.

- Is... has something happened? - San's unsure of his own words, but he feels like he's obliged to ask him, because he's been extremely selfish.

Wooyoung casts his gaze to the floor for a few seconds before chuckling bitterly, and San knows immediately it's gonna be bad.

- I broke up with Mingi, actually. -

There's silence.

A thick, meaningful, long moment of silence.

San's mouth is left agape as Wooyoung eyes his almost finished drink with a sad smile on his lips. Knowing him, San knows he might burst out crying if he tries to speak again.

- I'm sorry. - It's barely audible, but it's there and Wooyoung smiles at that.

- It's okay, really. - He lifts his gaze to meet San's. - Sometimes I have second thoughts, but I know I did the right thing. -

San adjusts his posture in the chair, which suddenly feels too uncomfortable for him, before clearing his throat. He opens his mouth, once, then twice, and then three times to speak, but no sound comes out.

He furrows his eyebrows, fixes his gaze to the table and then his hands. He fidgets with his own rings and then with his coffee cup, all while trying to come up with the right words.

- You don't need to say anything, you know? - Wooyoung snorts out a laugh, and San can't help but to do the same, because he's never been good with wording his own thoughts and feelings.

- I'm sorry, it's just... I didn't expect it. - He starts, locking eyes with the younger. - You seemed to be happy with him. -

Wooyoung sighs, finishing his drink and remaining silent for a short while.

- I was, but... - He sighs again, and this time he rubs his temples. - He was missing something, and the idea of spending the rest of my life with him didn't feel right. -

There's no hatred in his words, just sadness and disappointment.

- I hate myself so much for this, but I couldn't lie to him nor to myself like this... -

Wooyoung hasn't looked at San in a minute, and has no plan of doing so anytime soon. San's gaze is too much to uphold at the moment, so he simply keeps on speaking as if he's talking to the wall behind his best friend.

- I care about him, but I don't love him. -

San licks his lips as soon as he notices how dry they've become, and then runs a hand through his hair, huffing in nervousness.

- Have you ever loved him? -

This question resonates in Wooyoung's brain, loud and heavy with meaning.

- I don't know what love is, Sannie, but I do know that he doesn't feel like the right one. -

San nods as if he could understand, but he really doesn't, because everything he's ever known about love has Wooyoung's name imprinted on it like an autograph.

He's sure he knows what love is, and he's sure he's in love with Wooyoung.

He's sure he has ever since they were fourteen.

- How long ago was that? -

- I don't even know... - Wooyoung huffs, readjusting himself in his seat and setting his matcha cup back down on the table. - Maybe two or three weeks... -

San simply nods again and purses his lips, lost in deep thought.

It's three minutes later and Wooyoung kicks at his leg from under the table, smiling softly and hinting at the door.

San nods silently, resting his unfinished cup of coffee on the table before trailing right behind Wooyoung towards the exit.

- I want to cuddle. - Wooyoung sighs. - Can we go home and just cuddle? - He asks in his soft voice, the one he uses when he's sad or ashamed, or both.

- Of course. - San's smile is the brightest. - I've missed cuddling with you. -

Half a hour later and they're both happily snuggling under San's clean bedsheet. It smells like San, Wooyoung can't help but notice, and it feels like home, like something familiar and comforting.

Despite this comfort, or maybe because of it, a few minutes later Wooyoung is silently crying on San's chest, his right hand tightly gripping his best friend's t-shirt.

San gently strokes his back and allows him to let it out, knowing how much Wooyoung can bottle up his emotions sometimes.

- W-Will I ever find l-love, S-Sannie? - He asks feebly in between sniffles, and San's instinct is to hug him even tighter as if to protect him from everything bad in the world.

- You will, Wooyoung, I'm sure of that. - And San silently prays it's gonna be him.

A few moments of silence pass by, and the sound of Wooyoung's breath becoming more even and his tears slowly coming to a stop prompt San to move his hands from his back to his hair, starting to play with the soft strands.

- Have you ever been in love, Sannie? -

San's body visibly stiffens and his hands halt their movement.

- I have. -

San gulps, because this is the moment.

This is the moment he's going to inevitably confess and ruin everything he has with Wooyoung.

Or maybe not.

- And are you happy? - Wooyoung doesn't inquire further, he's fine with San's answer, yet San keeps his body frozen like a granite block.

- Yes. Yes, I am. - He whispers back, resuming his gentle hair petting.

Wooyoung smiles feebly, holding tighter onto San as he feels him readjust himself to cuddle more comfortably. He then feels a peck on his hair, followed by the sensation of San's lips curling into a smile against his head.

- She's lucky. - Wooyoung whispers in response.

Right, there's that too.

San never came out to Wooyoung.

Because he's scared that as soon as Wooyoung might connect the pieces and realize that San is desperately in love with him he might leave.

And that's the last thing San wants.

To be separated from Wooyoung with a broken heart.

Sounds like hell.

- You're worthy of love, Woo, don't forget that. - He ends up whispering softly.

Wooyoung just nods, but his heart feels lighter, as if a weight has been lifted off his body.

San said Wooyoung is lovable, and that's all he needs to hear.

He's satisfied.

So he closes his eyes and tries to rest, soon falling into a deep sleep lulled by San's steady yet soft breathing.