𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐥 𝐌𝐞

1 | Aurora

Fuck.

Maybe that's the first word everyone says when they know that they screwed up again.

Well, for me, it was every morning.

Why?

I didn't sleep the whole night, then slept at around 6 in the morning, and here I am now turning off my alarm at 8:00 am. Another day of puffy eyes early in the morning, another day of trying not to yawn in front of my patients, and another day of a reminder that my life and my nights are so fucked up.

And this was again a part of my daily morning routine. I watched the ceiling above me as I lay on my bed, wondering why I was still holding onto that horrible part of my life when I had become much stronger. Or maybe that was what the world thought of me, but still, even after so many years, I am not able to let go. If it's so easy in books and movies to let go of a horrible past, then why not in real life?

I exhale a heavy sigh, giving up on my random thoughts, when my phone starts buzzing on the nightstand from an incoming call.

"Hey mom." I didn't have to check the caller ID to know who it was. My mom and her everyday morning calls with a big lecture ahead were also a part of my daily mornings.

I moved to Calgary three years ago after completing my Ph.D. It was after that incident that I changed my whole life. I got a job opportunity, which I took gladly despite my fears. My mom has done so much for me since my dad passed away when I was 8 years old, so after my Ph.D., it was time that I took care of her and took the responsibilities on my shoulders. Working at a hospital under the mental health system did pay me well enough to carry out my expenses as well as my mom's.

"You did not sleep again." She wasn't asking me; she was telling me. "Aurora-"

"Yes, mom, I know." I cut her off and sat on my bed before she began to lecture me again. "I promise I'll work on it." She was the only person besides my best friend who knew about me and my horrible past. The fact that she was not staying with me worried her more.

"I am coming to stay with you," she said after a sigh. "You need me, baby." I could sense the worry in her voice.

"No mom." The last thing I wanted was for her to come and see my condition, which would make her more stressed. "I am fine, and you are staying home. Besides, I barely get time off from work to think about other things. I promise I am doing good." I said it with the utmost assurance in my voice, and I also knew she wouldn't fall for it.

"But-"

"I have to go now or else I am going to be late." I got up from my bed, heading to my bathroom. "Love you, mom, bye!" I had to hang up before this topic went any further. I didn't want to think about all those things again.

But my mind had other plans. While getting ready, I couldn't stop myself from thinking about what my mom said. Yes, I needed her. I wanted her to stay with me. But a part of me also said that she should also be away from me. I don't want her to get sick because of the stress she would feel when she saw how much I was suffering.

My sufferings should be my problem, and others don't deserve to be affected by them just because they chose to be around me.

I showed the world that I am the happiest person alive, walking through the streets with my chin up and my posture stable, greeting everyone with the brightest smile, and keeping my hands and my words steady while interacting with someone.

But none of them knew the real me.

Even today, while on the streets, I checked again and again for any stalker glancing above my shoulders. While smiling with others, I envy those who have a perfect life without worries and fears. While interacting with someone, I cannot help but wonder whether they could harm me in the future or not.

Besides my mom and my best friend, I was still not able to trust anyone after what had happened to me in the past. They both tried to set me up with someone who could love me and make me feel safe again, but none of them were able to make me feel the same. Although all those men were good in all aspects of life, and despite the fact they were arranged to meet me by my mom and best friend, there was still a part of me that was afraid.

A part of me that wanted to be loved and wanted to be free of my demons.

I wanted a love so passionate that it would drag me to oblivion with itself, but at the same time I wanted the feeling of safety and the trust that the person delivering it would not hurt me.

But I guess my fate was unfortunate, as always. I was never able to let go of those demons. They were now a part of me and my life.

But still, somewhere in my heart, I had hope. Hope of being happy again, hope of being real again.

I hope that someday someone will hunt my demons down and will love and cherish the imperfect parts of me as well.

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