See Dot Smile

Ali

Jesus, this keeps getting better and better.

"Hey. Can we take a walk maybe? I thought we should talk about everything."

Yeah, Ali. I'm sure we'll be covering everything is this conversation.

"What is there to talk about?" I ask, leaning defiantly against the front door frame.

"Come on, Dot. Don't be like that. Just walk with me." She's already walking down my front steps toward the sidewalk. God, I want to turn around and slam the door. Ignore her bossy ass request and let her keep walking for two miles until she realizes I'm not trailing behind her like a puppy. Like Joshua. Okay, maybe I do want to talk about everything.

Her gait is twice the length of mine, and she's huffy, so it's almost impossible to keep up. But I'm doing it. Waiting for her to start whatever disaster this conversation is going to be.

"I get this is hard for you. Me and Josh staying together. But that's what's happening, Dot. And at some point, you're going to have to deal with it."

"I am dealing with it," I say through gritted teeth. I haven't murdered you yet. That's something.

"Not in a healthy way," she says, stopping in her tracks so I almost ram into her shoulder. She turns to me, all concerned like a mom whose kid isn't eating their vegetables.

"What way would you like me to deal with it?" I ask flatly, trying not to feel like that very kid while having to gaze up at her towering perfection.

She's more annoyed with me now. Fake Mom concern isn't hitting the mark. "How about by not trying to sabotage my relationship with Josh."

"I'm NOT."

"Yes, you are. I see what you're doing. Every time you guys are near each other, you're sending these... vibes over to him, like in secret. There's this weird energy between you and it's not okay."

"Vibes?" I'm laughing at her. Trying to keep control. But it's slipping away. "Weird energy? Do you hear yourself? You're paranoid. I can't do anything about the 'energy' between me and Joshua, Ali. I'm not a wizard. Maybe you're just jealous because there hasn't been any energy between the two of you in months, years maybe. Your relationship is a joke, and you should know that better than anybody, since you don't even want to be in it anymore."

"Shut up." Her jaw clenches. She must not like the taste of truth. "You don't know what you're talking about."

"Why did you cheat on him?" I cross my arms and start tapping my foot impatiently. I'm the mom now. And she's late for curfew.

"It was a one-time mistake. It was ages ago. He and I are over it. Why do you even care?"

"Do you love him?"

She scoffs and rolls her eyes. Runs her hand through her perfect blond hair. Anything to avoid the question.

"Do you?" I ask again.

"I care about him. A lot."

"That's not enough," I say, fists clenched at my sides. The air in my lungs is heavy.

"What are you talking about?"

"You have to love him!" I shout. How can she not love him?

"You don't get to tell me how to feel about my boyfriend." Her eyes narrow, threatening. "He's mine, Dot, and I'm not going to let you steal him from me. So, cut the shit and grow up already."

Her height makes it seem like I'm cowering. But I'm not. If she tried to push me over right now, I wouldn't budge. Not one millimeter.

"Whatever special friendship the two of you had..." She says 'special' like it's a joke. I want to scream. "It's over now. You messed that up when you decided to have your little dry humping party in your basement." My throat closes and my eyes burn with tears. He really did tell her everything. "I'm sorry I had to get mean with you about this." No, she isn't. "But things can't move forward for me and Josh if you're trying to undermine us all the time. You need to let him go." Her face softens by an ounce. She sees the tears welling up in my eyes. The wounded dog she dragged over a barbed wire fence.

A car drives by and honks at us. She smiles and waves to them. She's not human.

"I should go," she says, returning to earth. "Just give us some space for a while, okay. It's not like you guys were in love or anything." She laughs a little like this is the most ridiculous thing she's ever suggested. I want to tear a chunk of her blond hair out by the roots. She reaches out to put a hand on my shoulder and I recoil. She sighs and makes a face that says, "Well, I tried." Then she turns and starts walking away.

Who the hell does she think she is? Does she think we're close enough that she can show up at my house unannounced, tell me to grow up and get over the love of my life and move on, like it's something I can just do? Like switching off a light? I can't do that. I won't.

"You stole him from me," I blurt out to the back of her.

"What?" She turns, looking exhausted, like I'm wasting everyone's time today.

"He was mine first, and you stole him." Tears are streaming down my face. I don't bother wiping them away.

"You're being ridiculous."

"I'm not," I choke through growing sobs. "You knew what he meant to me. When you and I became friends, you asked me. And I told you he was my everything. He was my best friend. I loved him and I wanted to marry him. You heard me say that and you still went after him."

"Jesus, Dot. I didn't think you were serious. We were fourteen. Who thinks like that when they're fourteen?"

I did. And Joshua did.

"And we both know you were never going to do anything about it."

She's right. Probably. Maybe. No. I would have. Eventually. I still might. I have to.

She closes the distance between us, and I cover my face. As if my emotions haven't been on display for the entire neighborhood all this time. She hands me a tissue. Who the hell carries tissues around? What does he see in her?

And now I'm staring at her chest. Even her tits are mocking me. Reminding me how many times Joshua's perfect hands have been on them. Because his hands are hers, not mine.

"It'll be okay," she soothes with her creepy mom voice. "This is just a rough patch for the three of us. I'm sorry I've been less than cool about this, but it's weird for me, too. My boyfriend just told me he's into somebody else. You don't think that makes me feel a little bit like shit?"

I sniff loudly and my head nods. It wasn't my intent to agree with her, but she thinks I did.

"Okay. Let's take a breath, and get through the last two months of school, right?" She's rubbing my back now. I can't decide if I want to cringe or lean into it. Everything has been sucked out of me and I'm just a husk of skin blowing around on the sidewalk. Empty.

"Hey," she says. I look up and find her smiling at me. What the hell is there to smile about? "You're going to be okay. You're an awesome person, and you're going to find another awesome person. Soon. But that can't happen while you're hung up on Josh. Right?"

I sniff nod again. Dammit! Stop agreeing with her!

"He and I need some space to figure out if this is going to work between us. We're going to different schools in the fall, and we just need time together. To work it all out. Okay?"

I tighten my neck muscles to keep my head from nodding. But she takes my silence to mean the same thing.

"Want me to walk you back home?" she asks.

I shake my head deliberately 'no'.

"Okay. I'm always here if you want to talk." She's smiling again. What does she think is going on right now?

"Great," I croak. "Thanks."

I wait for her to turn away first and watch her perfect ass and flowing blond hair sashay down the sidewalk.

I take three deep breaths. Focusing my mind on the one word in that entire conversation I will be clinging to for the rest of the school year. For the rest of my life if I need to.

They need some space to figure out if this is going to work between them.

If this is going to work.

IF.

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