I'm so sick and tired of being everyone's emotional punching bag. It's gotten to the point where I just go numb. I also have a tendency to go numb if I'm uncomfortable because I feel like if I speak up about that, I'm being rude.
Oh, the joys of being raised to watch your tone and always be kind. I get that it's an important thing to know, but when that shit becomes incredibly toxicly drilled into your bones, it makes living a FUCKING NIGHTMARE.
I'm always walking on eggshells around people, even the ones I hold most dear, because I'm that afraid of conflict. I always see both sides, or at least try to. Whenever it comes to me having to react or reply to something, my brain instantly thinks, "Ok. In the scenarios you've seen/read/heard off, what is the proper reaction/response?" That should never be the case. Having to constantly think on your feet, be cautious of what you're saying, and how you're saying it is an energy-draining nightmare. I barely get enough sleep as it is. I have to use that lack of sleep, plus watch my mannerisms, my tone, my masking technique, and facial reactions.
Oh, if only I could break these shackles and rip off my rose-colored glasses, then maybe, just maybe, I'd be slightly happier. Sadly, something tells me that that happen any time soon.
Welp, all I can do is continue to mask to make sure people think I'm fine.
YOU ARE READING
Venting
RandomYou guys don't need to read the shit going in inside of my ADHD mind of mine. All I need to do right now is get some shit off my chest before I have a panic attack. I will make names anonymous for the sake of the people's protection. I'm not trying...
