The Twisted Mind

Monday Night

I leave mum and Jules to it and I head upstairs to my room. I need a shower because I feel disgusting after that run. I head to my tidy bedroom and enter the organised bathroom to turn on the shower, and whilst it's running, I go put my phone on charge and throw my bag on the floor by my bed. 

I walk into the bathroom and it's like a sauna. The hot water steaming up the shower door making it look like a perfect place for 'couples' to have sex in a movie or something. It's nice and hot when I open the door and I wash the sweat and salt off my body. Reaching for my body wash, I almost fall, so I take a moment to stabilise. As I do this, my vision goes blurry and my heart is pounding even more than earlier. It feels like it's going to burst out of my chest. I can feel my hands about to grab onto the shower door creating the sex scene hand stencil. This is FAR from that but we move.

When I've braced myself, I go down slowly to grab the soap and I lather it up. Then I rinse it off and grab my towel from the other end of the bathroom. I smell nice now and can finally settle down.

.    .    .

Tossing and turning in bed, unable to fall asleep. My mind racing with thoughts. Contradicting, catastrophic, chaotic thoughts. Worrying about what i have to not eat tomorrow, reminding myself that it's a punishment. I have to follow this rule otherwise i'll end up with another sleepless night. I turn towards the wall one last time, burying my face under the multiple layers of blankets I have over me. One last try, I tell myself.

I give in. My tired eyes burn with exhaustion as I open them. I reach towards my journal, and I start writing.

Every time i'm unable to fade away, i write what's on my mind. To help ease the anxieties and the battles that are going on up in my brain. Right now it feels as if i've got 3 people in my head. Constantly fighting with each other which gives me bad headaches because I can't turn it off. I don't know if I can, but as of right now, I have no control. Today, I had a coffee for breakfast, a beautiful cheese sandwich for lunch along with some carrot sticks, and for dinner, mum made Pasta Al Forno. For dessert, they had the coffee cake my sister Jules made yesterday, and oh my goodness wasn't I in heaven when i  saw that in the fridge. My mouth salivating. My eyes glistening at the thought of eating it.

I couldn't though, not allowed.

The problem lies around food. Around the fucking food that we have to eat in order to survive. One voice, Aspen, is telling me to listen to the strongest voice. Aspen is the innocent one who just wants to be comforted. He wants to find peace between the two others. He wants to listen to Alvin. Alvin is the one who has the most control. Alvin is the one who tells me what to do, Tells me what I can and can't eat, what I should and shouldn't be doing. He's the driver of my life. And then there's me. Alfie. I want to eat this food. I want to enjoy my mums cooking, my sisters baking, I want to take my life back. But as off right now, I can't.

Even swimming is becoming harder, general life tasks are more challenging. I'm going dizzy, almost losing consciousness. And i'm afraid everyone will find out. Find out that food is an enemy and not a friend. How can people eat and not feel guilty? Do they have the voices that I do? What thoughts come up when a plate of their favourite food is presented in-front of them?

Today has been hard. Not only with food but with dealing with it. As I came out of Mr Fishers room, I saw a flier, a leaflet, a poster. And it grabbed my attention. And it's about poetry. Never would I have imagined getting excited about this. Im not the most creative person out there but I have to try and tackle these demons. Its been years since i've been able to eat normally and trying won't cause any harm. So that's what i'm going to start. Research about poetry and come up with one for the contest.