My honest Mistake

Failing at being a failure

          "You know, I wished you would act more like your sister. She's intelligent and she knows how to provide for her upcoming family at just the age of 20." My father says,

          I could hear his voice bleeding through my ears from the sound of the phone. Considering where I was right about now, hearing one of his lectures was the last thing that I wanted, the last thing I would ever wish for and the last thing that I needed.

          It was the same thing over and over again. Why couldn't you be more like your sister? Or when are you going to give me grandkids, you're going to be thirty soon? The same questions making my head hurt and heart ache. My heart didn't ache because I cared about what they wanted but because it was burning for the taste and desire of toxic liquids to make me lose control and sight of life and he was getting in the way of it.

          "Listen Dad, I'm trying my best to go out looking for a partner to settle down with and give you all the little grandchildren you want but you have to understand that no one wants the whole family thing in this generation. They only want sex and something casual." I assure him,

          As much as I hated talking with him about this, it had to be said. I don't know why he couldn't understand that we were in the 20th century, nobody wanted to settle down and find real love. It was always people ready to stab you in the back or someone using you to get your rocks off. Actually, having your virginity in such a year like this was very rare and I respected the ones that had it. I mean, come on...I talk a big game but I was definitely happy I got the whole first time sex thing out of the way.

          "Spence, we talked about this. If you want to settle down with someone then me and your ma will find you a nice and handsome young man to father our grandchildren." He said,

I sighed before rubbing my forehead in frustration. The echoes of the music playing in the club behind me filled the rings of my ears as my father ranted on and on about the same shit that he has been talking about for years. I mean, he's been planning this shit since I was in 4th grade and I don't how many times I would have to tell him that being with a guy was a no–go for me. I had practically came out 47 times in my whole life time because my parents were in denial.

          I understood why they would be pressuring me to have children seeing as my younger sister was focusing on her medical career and was not worrying about kids right about now and my older brother had recently just lost his only child due to a miscarriage but I shouldn't be the one taking on all of this stuff.

I was only 26 years old and living my life in the city of New York. Life was practically just starting for me, I had to suffer 18 years in some bullshit system called: school, and now that I was free from it...I could party all night long and drink as much as I want to.

          Life for me was great right about now, why would I trade it for a family? That only comes with bills, settling down with one person, and having my breast slouch down from my chest. I was fit and I was still very much in shape.

I wasn't the type to brag about my body but the curves I had could attract anyone, even the men that I was desperately not attracted to. I mean, sure I could find a guy hot or cute but for my heart to actually be concurred by one is like saying Kanye is the hottest man alive.

"Listen dad, I'm a Lesbian. My heart is attached to women and I crave their love and there's nothing a guy can do for me that a women can't do better. You out of all people should know that, you married a women, right or wrong?" I asked him,

I could hear him sigh from the other end of the call as I could tell he was growing frustrated. Even if he didn't want to hear it, he needed too. He was forcing a guy on me mentally and the thought of it made my skin grow bumps and burns. I had nothing against a guy or my fellow straight friends that liked being with guys but for me to even have a conversation with a guy and it led to anything beyond friendship would be me entering a depression era.