Imagine Type: sad
Warnings: suicide
Status: Matt and Y/n are together.
Matt's P.O.V
3 months ago
I stare and read Y/n's message over and over again. It wasn't a unordinary message but there's something about it that's not sitting right with me.
"You're destined to do great things and I'm not going to hold you back. Not now. Not ever. You deserve the world. Your smile and laugh are both so contagious and comforting. I can't wait to see your incredible journey that's ahead. I love you Matthew."
Y/n has always sent me kind messages before but something about this one is just so off putting. Just the wording of it and the fact that she called me Matthew.
Yeah, I know that's my name but she only uses Matthew for when she's upset with me or messing with me.
I shake my head back and forth before getting out of bed. I grab my keys off my desk before handing out of my room and downstairs.
I enter the living room whilst putting my jacket on while heading towards the front door; completely ignoring that my brothers were on the couch.
"Where ya heading Matt?" I hear Nick ask as I open the door.
"I'll be back." Was all I said before shutting the door.
I speed walk to the car, getting inside and buckling up. I can feel my anxiety raising but I shove it away because I have something more important to worry about.
I pull out of the drive way and head quickly to Y/n's apartment, going the speed limit.
~ Time Skip ~
I park in front off Y/n's apartment complex. I get out and lock the car behind me. I enter the lobby and head towards the elevators.
I enter the elevator and press the number to her floor. My nerves are shot. I just hope everything's okay.
Once the doors open to her floor, I speed down to her door, using the spare key she gave me to unlock it.
I bust through the door, looking around.
"Y/n?" I call out, hoping for a response.
I walk into her living room area when I notice the bathroom lit on. I text her phone since I didn't hear any music which is odd because she always plays it while she's in the bathroom.
I hear her phone bing loudly. I look to my side and notice her phone lit up on the island of her kitchen. I walk over to the bathroom.
"Y/n? You in there?" I knocked.
No response. My anxiety is through the roof. I couldn't take it anymore. I push the door open and the scene I entered in on made my heart sink to my stomach.
"No, no, no, no, no, no, no... Y/n." I rush over to the bathtub that is filled with red water where her fully clothed body didn't move.
I move her hair out of her face, her face so pale and cold. The tears obstructing my vision to see properly.
"Y/n please..." I tried to pull her out but I'm weak.
I fall back and sit on the floor, just staring. My eyes get draw to a book that sits on floor beside the toilet. I grab it and open it to the first page that read:
"This journal belongs to: Y/n"
~ Present Day ~
I sit in the darkness of my room, holding Y/n's journal in my hand. That night racing and replaying over and over in my head. Not a day has went by where I haven't thought about her.
I have refrained myself from reading her journal, but it's been pulling at me for months now. I wanted answers and I just have this feeling that it's in her journal. She always said that if anyone ever saw her writing then something's been eating away at her.
I take a deep breath before opening it. I flip through a few pages that are completely full of her writing, with dates in the top right corners from all the way back in 2015.
I'm unable to read a full page because reading her words and feelings have absolutely broken my heart even more.
This happy, fun going person, that she always displayed to me and others was a complete lie according to the few sentences I have been able to read.
I quickly wipe my tears away before they land on the pages. She was hiding so much for so long...
I get to the a page that's dated 'February 2023.' The month she died.
I try and mentally prepare myself for the answers that I've been waiting so long for.
'I've been in baby fever for a few days which is normal. I know it will go away in a day or so now. I don't try to feed into the baby fever, but I do do some activities to calm it down. Like I'll add more baby names to the list or I'll just go on Amazon and cruise the baby section. I know I'm young and I know I'm not ready to have a baby anytime soon. I'm okay with that. I know that when the time is ready, I'll be a mom. However the way the world is lately I've been debating on whether or not it's a good idea. And I've been overthinking a lot lately too. Remembering all the stuff that's happened in past and remembering and feeling all those feelings all over again. How I felt. It really got me thinking why would I put a child into this world, who never asked to be here, through that? People are so unkind and judgmental nowadays that it's hard to have hope for a better world. I couldn't live with myself if my child came home crying because of a bully and asking me 'why would you have me just to put me through this?' No one should ever have to feel that way or the way I... do. With all my growth with self love and care in last year, I don't know if I can put myself through the heartache of deciding whether or not I should have a child. It's something I want more than anything in the world but I don't want another human being to have to feel the way I felt. No one deserves to be treated like they're not human or they're invalid and unimportant. Right now I am at a loss for what to do, whether or not to continue on and take my chances of my child feeling this way or to save myself the heartache, and give up on the one thing I've always been sure of...'
My heart is absolutely shattered. My sweet girl was in so much pain. I didn't know I was sobbing until I heard Chris's voice from the other side of my bedroom door.
"Matt... you okay?" He says entering my room.
"Yeah..." I sniffled wiping my nose on the sleeve of my hoodie.
"Whatcha reading?" He asked sitting down beside me.
"Y/n's journal." I said. "Chris... she was hurting... and... and I didn't know."
"How could you have known?" He said putting his hand on my shoulder.
I look down at the page I had just read and notice a few off spots. Like they were wet once then they dried. I handed Chris the book as I put my face in my hands.
I guess Chris read the page I did cause he then spoke.
"Geez Matt... I'm so sorry." He said.
"You know what's crazy?" I sniffled, look at him.
"What?" He asked me.
"Reading her words, makes it feel like she's still here." I said letting a tear fall down my cheek. "I'm going to make it better... for her."
"Gonna make what better?" Chris asked.
"I'm gonna make this world better for her." I said.
