fire fly

Chapter One

Do you remember
Do you remember what we had together?
Do you remember the way your hands used to touch me at two in the morning
In the darkness of your bedroom when you made me scream your name
Do you remember what you did to ruin us
All of the fucked up stuff you told me and did
Do you remember all of the times we fought so much that I used to shake
Do you remember when you were at college and I thought I was pregnant with your child and felt like shit and you cheated on me
Do you remember how you felt
Do you remember all of the things you did to make me not want to talk to you ever again?
But if I'm going to be honest with myself sometimes I think of what if we did some things differently
What if we never said I love you the second time we went on a date
What if I never lost my innocence to a boy that I knew would break my heart and make me not want to believe in love ever again
What if I never met you when I was a little kid
What if I never went back to you after you hurt me so many times
What if I just tried to get you out of my fucking head
But I can't and it scares me because I don't want to go back to someone that broke me forever
Do you remember me?

Chapter 1
"Love," When I was growing up I did not have a good understanding of what that word meant to me. I had love for my family but the only one I cared about was someone who dissent loved me the way I loved him and that broke me. When we were together it was only pain and suffering but there were other times in our lives together that were of good times and happiness so it was hard to see him go on with his life and not have that or have me in his life anymore. It took me a long time to accept the fact that he was gone and out of life for good this time. I experienced so many different things with this one person and now he is just gone and no longer in my life and it was very weird for me to get used to. It was difficult for me to understand that he could hurt me so badly. I didn't want to think that someone who kissed me with so much passion and love could hurt me so badly. I was in denial and accepted that it was unavoidable for a long time. Despite my desire to forget him, I doubt that I will ever be able to do so. He was there for me when I needed him the most and cared for me in whatever way he could. Regardless of how hard I try to forget him, he will always be the guy I remember. He gradually began to share more about himself with me. He showed me both his good and terrible qualities; it seemed as though I had given up on love. Everything changed when I met him. As a result, I was able to feel what love is meant to feel like. In the end, it was both excellent and horrible. It was a crazy adventure to adore you; it was something I'd never experienced before in my life. We then drifted away and became strangers once more. It's depressing to be meaningless to you. I know it seems petty to want to see the guy who shattered my heart, but I can't live without him. I know there are probably a lot of people who would tell me that's screwed up and terrible, but he was the love of my life, the first person I ever loved, and I can't just get rid of him. I was in denial and accepted that. I loved him with all of my heart. I was in love with someone who had repeatedly abused me, yet I continued to be with him because he was my home, my comfort, and my life. However, things change, and people grow and evolve in the absence of the attention they believe they deserve. He was the one who shattered me into a million pieces, and I don't believe he'll ever be able to mend those bits of himself because I can't accept that he traumatized me or did anything to me. Before meeting him, I believed everything was ok, but my life was not. And I thought having him in my life for the rest of my life would be the best thing for me, but I was mistaken. It is challenging for me to lose him, but it was the best thing I have ever done in my short life. My upbringing and childhood were meant to be pleasant and peaceful, but he took advantage of my youth and took me for granted. I believe I did love him but for all the wrong reasons. He loved me with his fists and screams that told me that he didn't love me, and I believe he did love me at the start of our relationship, but I believe his issue began to creep up on him and he was taking it all out on me, and he should never have done any of the things he did to me in the manner that he did them. I wish I had never looked at him like that one day in elementary school. Because of him, all of my memories are gone, and the ones I do have are just of him.

The clouds partially obscure the bright sunlight that beams on my primary school classmates. The elementary school's lights shone down on us, as did the windows at the front of the building. They laughed and played until the bell sounded, signaling that it was time for lunch. The white flooring contains little colored circles of blue and green on the squares of each tile. The walls are a light yellow, similar to a tennis ball but less bright, similar to a very slight tint of the same yellow on the floors. I was following my friend Samantha; she and I were friends for the first two years of elementary school, but she moved away, and I didn't have many female friends after that. The older kids were passing us. They were taller than most of us since the younger students were in second grade and the older students were in fourth grade. They were much louder than us and far more daring in their disregard for the rules. But he was unique. He was much quieter than most of the other boys, but he was unique in that he kept to himself throughout the school day, but at recess, he went berserk and let all of his energy out. That's what drew me to him in the first place; he was calm, he was a mystery to me, and I felt like I could be myself and be protected, but I had no idea how nasty humans could be until I met him. That was because he was always innocent, peaceful, and tranquil. As I grew older, I realized why he had always been like that. He had to maintain constant silence to avoid being hit by his drunken father, who beat him and his mother when he was a child. It was as if he had an on-and-off switch in his head that he would discover later in my life. We spotted each other as we passed each other in the hallways of my primary school. It was as if the world came to a halt and I saw him for the first time, even though I saw him all the time. For some reason, I viewed him differently. That day, I saw him on and off. He was strolling by me when he made direct eye contact with me, his green eyes latching onto my blue ones, and for the first time in my short life, I was enthralled. His eyes remind me of the forest behind the house where I grew up, and it brought me solace and tranquility for the first time. But I was young, and I had no idea what was going on with my heart. It was going so rapidly that it didn't realize what was going on. I was either anxious, joyful, or depressed. I didn't get it at all. It was difficult for me to grasp why this was occurring. When he stared at me that day in the hallway, my heart was thumping so quickly. I was too young to comprehend what it meant or how I truly felt. I only knew he influenced me. He felt like someone I'd be with for the rest of my life. My family life was complex, and he seemed like a second home away from my own family. He was the one person I thought I could twist with my whole being built up. It was stupid to trust someone like him for such a long time.