fire fly

Chapter Four

Chapter 4
When I got home, I saw him and didn't know what to do with my body or my emotions. I saw him, and he was breathing in front of me and speaking to me, but I didn't hear a word he said. I was terrified of him, and I felt like I had reverted to my sixteen-year-old self rather than the stronger version of myself that I knew I was. I haven't seen him in two years, so it was strange seeing him right in front of me. I hadn't talked to him in a long time, and now he was here talking to me.

"How are you?" He said it with a genuine interest in his voice. But I knew that he hadn't changed and that he wasn't really interested in how I was doing because I didn't care about him anymore and he should do the same for the sake of us not connecting again.

I was unable to hear him because of the noise from the supermarket. At the same time, I was having a panic attack, making it difficult for me to hear him. I continued to remain silent, saying nothing at all to him. I was unable to even meet his eyes. I'm paralyzed, just as I frequently was while I was in his presence. Sometimes I was bleeding and covered in bruises, but I couldn't move because I was frozen. He smacked me several times, not a few times, and I felt helpless once again since we dated for almost three years.

I was nineteen when we formally split up and that is only two years ago now that I am thinking back on it. It has only been two years since we stopped seeing one another romantically and it has also been two years since I had that intreation with him for the last time. I consequently endured his abuse for almost three years. We had been dating for approximately two years when he beat me a second time because he believed I was cheating on him. It was always him, though, and I never did anything to hurt him. He was the one who constantly struck and harmed me. I did not do even the slightest thing to him. He believed that I did things to end our relationship, but I believe I am finally realizing in my mind that I didn't do anything improper. None of the things he did to me came from myself.

I remember all of it. We were at a party, and he got super angry when he saw me talking to another guy who was his friend at the time I was only having a conversation with one of my friends and then he got super jealous and got really mad at me for no reason and at the time I wasn't sure if he had been drinking or not because when he did drink he got angrier than he was before, it's like the drinking and the alcohol in his system made him a real monster. But the thing is that he was already a monster but the drinking made him way worse than before. I was minding my own business when I felt his hand around my lower right arm, dragging me out of the room and moving around people. I was super confused about what was happening because I was drinking at the time and I was very tipsy, so it felt like the room was spinning. I was confused about why we were moving away from everyone. Despite everything else going on at the party, I didn't know it would get worse.
After dragging me into the bathroom and slamming the door behind him which made me flinch and jump from the loud dang that the closed door made when he shut it, he slapped me hard in the face without warning he didn't even say anything he just had this impulse to hit me without telling me why he was so angry with me and it made me so confused about what was happening right now. I dropped the drink in my hand while falling over in the small bathroom which felt much smaller than it was because I had alcohol in my system. After getting slapped again in the face, I tried to make out a figure in my blurry vision. I was yelled at and grabbed hard by the shoulders this time. He was very angry, but I did not understand what he said. He was speaking but I had no idea what he was saying because the blows to my face were kind of disoriented and I was so out of it that all I could do was apologize to him for what I did to make him so angry.

"I am sorry." That was all I had to say about what I couldn't hear. It was an impulse to just apologize to him, even if I didn't do anything to harm or offend him. I just knew that it would get worse for me if I didn't reply right away. He was like a thing of tnt that was about to explode if you did defuse it in time or a volcano about to devour a whole town or city.

"Are you even listening to me right now?" He said it again, this time with fury in his voice, and this time I looked him in the eyes, his angry green eyes glaring into my innocent blue ones like a fire that needed to be put out. And then, without any warning at all, he grabbed me by the throat and put me against a small wall in this little bathroom. He was putting so much pressure on my windpipe that I could barely breathe. I could feel myself losing consciousness by the minute. It was then that I almost passed out from his grip on my throat. My intoxication made it difficult for me to stand up, and the fact that he cut off my airway in no way helped. In the end, he wanted me to fight back so he could hurt me more. This is what he liked to do; he loved watching me squirm and fight. I eventually got used to him choking me so much that I just gave up, which irritated him more.
"Why won't you do anything?" "I'm hurting you; why won't you hit me back?" All of this rage had built up because of his father, and I knew he was beating me while pretending to be his father.