Phan Fluff

When Anxiety Calls

Dan had struggled with anxiety since he was a young teenager. As a child he had been very happy go lucky, positive, and sweet. He had loved people and making new friends. He was quick to laugh, and slow to anger, and every parent loved him. Then came middle school. Then came bullies. Then came the fear.

Having come from a supportive family he had never experienced someone being mean intentionally. He became very confused and thought it was something he had done. He started going out of his way to be kind to these bullies, to make them like him, but it just got worse. He stopped wanting to eat, to go outside, and pretty soon to even get out of bed.
His second year of high school his family moved, and it quite possibly saved his life, as he changed schools. Saved his life maybe, but the damage had been done. He continued throughout his mid teen years hiding from any kind of attention, and always struggling to continue on. He never made friends because of it. He tried once or twice, but everyone was so immature, and no one understood. High school was rough.

Then came along Phil. At first he was just a guy behind a screen, talking to a camera, but to Dan it felt like he finally had a friend. He was always so positive, and every time Dan saw a new video had been uploaded he felt himself growing more resilient.
Then came an especially hard day that ended with a lost creature contemplating death, who decided to check his email one last time. And there was a message asking if he wanted to Skype.

When they finally decided to end the call and go to bed, 4 hours later, Dan promised himself that he would not give up, at least not until he could meet Phil in person.

Finally, Dan's life started looking up. He and Phil had an instant connection and even though Phil was older, Dan couldn't help feeling everything was right.

Soon, after much encouragement from Phil, Dan started his own YouTube channel. It was hard at first. He would often spend hours looking at that post button, on the phone with the boy with the black fringe, crying, trying to come out of a panic attack.

But Phil was always there. Always saying the right things. Always reminding him that no one else mattered.

Fast forward a few years later: things have gotten better lately. Dan now lives with Phil, and he is constantly reminded how much happier he is than he ever was before. When he does have a bad day, which though less often still happens, he just remembers the first time he hugged Phil. All those years ago. When he took the train, to finally meet his lion, even though he hadn't been on a train in ages, he mustered up the courage for Phil. He stepped onto the platform searching, and a wave of panic overtook him. What if this was all one elaborate prank? People brushed past him, bumping him, huffing for him to get out of the way, and his hands went numb. But then, a voice. "DAN!"

Arms wrapped around him, gripping him so tight, warmth flooding into him. "I'm so happy to see you, bear," Phil said into Dan's ear and then kissed it. As people rushed by, living life in the fast lane, two stayed still. Dan was shaking, against his will, and Phil wouldn't let go until he was okay. That was the day he knew.

Today they're part of panel of Youtubers, and Dan is backstage getting continuously more nervous. But here comes Phil to take his hand and give him an animal fact to get his thoughts off of the crowd. They walk onstage and everyone cheers. Phil smiles and meets Dan's eye. "You'll be alright. I've got you," Phil seems to say, though his lips don't move. They sit down and Dan feels a wave of excitement and worry rush over him. But he feels Phil brush his fingers and his breathing slows. It's not like the old days. He has Phil.