It's difficult to find the way everything fits into place once it's broken, even if a surgeon gives you a pretty significant first push. Alexia's recovery is progressing with hope. Her knee is responding well to rehabilitation, but she doesn't feel...
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Week 4.
One: My unfortunate joke about her knee didn't sit well with her. Seriously, who jokes about that? Knowing Alexia as she is... She tried not to show her anger, but it really upset her, and she decided to leave. She's still resentful.
Two: I made her clean up and organize all my nonsense when she was trying to spend time with me to make me feel included. Instead of being nice to her, I really wanted to give her a therapy session in return, when clearly she wasn't serious.
Three: She regrets offering me the position. She expected something from me that I haven't fulfilled. She started telling me her things, made an effort trusting that I would do well, and I was a disaster.
One, two, or three.
One, two, or three.
In the past few weeks, I had already seen each of the team's players more than twice. It was strange to get to know them on a much more personal level, making notes about their different emotional situations or some fears they carried with them. They seemed so strong and put together that seeing their vulnerabilities made me feel small.
I had seen Alexia two more times. In the last week, she had declined the appointment. The first time, it started well. She seemed calmer and willing to talk, but as the minutes passed, she became more distant again, as if she was angry and couldn't bear it anymore. The second time, she was like that from the beginning. I could hardly fill in the vital information with her that the others had easily provided me, understanding that part of my job was to know those things about them.
"Thank you, Claudia. See you next week then"
Claudia closed the door behind her slow enough to see the blonde heading towards the gym area with a water bottle and a towel.
I took off my lab coat and left it on the chair. I didn't have any more appointments today, so I took the liberty of leaving the office a few minutes early and followed Alexia. She walked without realizing I was following her through a couple of corridors, and I hurried as much as possible to catch up with her without calling her attention.
My fingers brushed against her shoulder when she was about to reach the door. Her eyes looked at mine, very surprised. Then, as if it were some kind of correction, Alexia straightened her posture and relaxed her eyelids, giving me, as she had done many times before, an indifferent look.
"Did you want something?" she asked.
"The truth is, yes," I took her arm, angry. She looked me up and down, raising an eyebrow. "What's your problem?"
"My problem?"
I clenched my fists. The insecurity with which I had approached her had turned into anger. Maybe I had messed up something, but this attitude?
"Your problem," I snapped. "I don't know what the hell is going on with you suddenly or why you don't have enough maturity to tell me. You'd prefer to ignore me as much as possible and avoid discussing what has bothered you rather than sitting down and talking about it."
"I don't know what you're talking about," she said, grabbing the gym door handle again.
"Don't you dare try to—"
My shout died down, and my index finger lowered from being pointed at her head. A man walked down the hallway in our direction, observing the scene with suspicion and without hiding it before leaving in complete silence. Both of us looked at each other uncomfortably. Seeing the club's psychologist arguing loudly with the captain wasn't good for either of us.
That's why I looked around and made a decision. I firmly grabbed Alexia's forearm and as a reflex , she tried to let go immediately. Without allowing it, I dragged her against her will to one of the nearest doors, which, if I wasn't mistaken, served to store all kinds of equipment.
I pushed the blonde inside, amidst groans and closed the door behind my body. I couldn't see anything; it was completely dark. I could feel piles of junk bothering me and practically preventing me from moving. My legs brushed against hers and I was able to search for the light switch on each of the walls at the same time, with both arms. I hadn't imagined the room would be so small.
Finally, I found the switch. A small bulb between the shelves lit up, providing very little illumination. The storage room, or rather, the closet, seemed even smaller with the light on. Sports equipment bags, boxes, and paperwork filled the space, leaving barely enough room to open the door. No wonder I had heard things breaking when I pushed the blonde inside.
We were thirty centimeters apart. It was impossible not to touch each other in some way, no matter how much it annoyed me at that moment. Alexia locked her eyes onto my face, realizing how close we had been in those dark seconds, and swallowed hard. She pressed her lips together and took several deep breaths.
Her body was in full contact with the wall, preventing her from moving back, and I couldn't even stretch my arm without touching hers. Still, I tried to move away, to remove my foot from stepping on one of her gym shoes. I wanted to apologize, but the anger still running through my body didn't let me.
I felt numb, lost in my own conversation, the one I had rehearsed several times before seeking out the football player, and now it made her reproaches and heaps of words dance through my head without making any sense.
"Don't you dare try to...?"
Her voice sounded raspy and too close. She spoke slowly and carefully, as if she had meditated on it for the last minute and the response was really important, even though I had uttered that incomplete sentence solely driven by anger.
"To try to convince me that you're acting normal with me."
She fell silent, still not averting her gaze from mine. With each passing second, I felt smaller and smaller. The fortress of anger was crumbling, leaving insecurity completely defenseless.
"I won't."
Defeated.
Silence again.
My legs kept inevitably touching hers in the confined space. I felt like my skin was burning, begging me to explore what hers was causing. I leaned slightly, almost imperceptibly, pretending it wasn't intentional, just readjusting myself in the limited space.
"The thing is, I don't know what's going on with you," she said quietly.
That's when I realized I wanted to kiss her. And I also thought that maybe she wanted the same. Her body hadn't moved away; it barely touched the wall, in a strange position excused by the discomfort of the boxes, which made her closer to me.
"With me?" I genuinely asked, confused.
"You're like a different person with me," she spoke slowly."You're distant, cold, like a stranger."
"I'm being your psychologist," I swallowed.
"So what?" Her eyes seemed to plead, and I looked away.
"I have to follow good practices, professional ethics. Now I'm just your psychologist, Alexia, and nothing else."
"Nothing else?"
We shared another gaze, one that probably didn't last more than a few seconds, but it felt heavy, too long, demanding, and exhausting.
"Not your..." Damn, I wanted to kiss her, "friend."
Alexia nodded silently after considering my words for a few seconds, with her eyes closed. She moved away from the wall, getting so close to me that I couldn't help but step back to my initial position. It didn't go unnoticed by her, but she averted her gaze and didn't say anything about it.
She grabbed the door handle, and natural light flooded the small storage room, outlining her silhouette.
"I wish I had known that giving you this job would make me lose you completely."
Without saying another word, she closed the door, leaving me alone in a small room with barely any light, feeling even more tense than before and with new concerns on my mind.
