ʙᴀᴅ ʜᴀʙɪᴛꜱ| ᴍ. ᴘᴇʀᴇᴢ

thirteen

Ash was back where he started all those years ago, sat in a circle on an old fold-up chair, forced to listen to the same old stories of addiction and mental illness. His hair was overgrown, more overgrown than usual and his eye bags were darker than before. Among this new circle, he knew no one. Some adults and a few teens here and there but for the most part they all seemed to be clean and sober, something that seemed so difficult to achieve for Ash. "Ash?" A man with glasses raised his eyebrows at the boy, his hands wide as he welcomed him into the conversation. "Would you like to introduce yourself to the group?" The man asked although it sounded more like an instruction. Ash stared for a moment, his eyes red and tired as he blinked softly. "Yeah." He mumbled as he dragged himself up from his chair. "Hi." He shrugged quietly, eyes glancing at everything but the other's faces. "My name is Ash." He paused. "...and I'm an alcoholic."

————

The ride home from the AA meeting was silent. The pair merely exchanged a few words. Ash knew his mother had lost all trust in him; he was like a child again, zero freedom, zero privacy.

"Your friend Maddy's been calling." Linda mentioned casually. Ash paused, his eyes widening ever so slightly. "Maddy?" He repeated. "Mhm." She nodded, her eyes focused on the road ahead. "She's been asking for you y'know." She mentioned.

Ash continued to stare ahead, unsure of how to reply to his mother's statement. "I think she likes you." She turned to face him, cracking a smile as though she was joking. "Ha ha very funny." Ash rolled his eyes, hiding the small smile creeping on his face. "I've missed you." Linda sighed, her eyes returning to the road. "What do you mean?" Ash propped up in his seat, facing his mother who refused to look back at him. "You've just been so...distant." She tried to hide the croak in her voice as tears filled her eyes. "I just.." she gripped onto the steering wheel. "You've just been reminding me a lot of your father that's all." She sniffled as a tear escaped. "Mum." Ash spoke softly, unsure of how he could comfort her. "I'm..." he stuttered blinking for a few seconds as though the words that were to follow were too difficult for him to pronounce. "I'm." He stuttered again. "I'm sorry." He clenched his jaw, hiding his face as he looked out the passenger window.

"I just..." his mother shook her head, as the tears really began to pour. She quickly pulled over only a few blocks away from their home. "I don't want to lose you like we lost him." She stared out of the windshield hopelessly trying to hold in the overwhelming emotions she was feeling. Ash's eyes only widened in shock at that statement. He knew she had been feeling that way; he too had been feeling as though history was repeating itself but to hear her actually say it out loud like that changed something in him. "And when you got your badge I was so happy." She cried. "I remember thinking it's okay it's just a phase and he's grown out of it." She faced her son with bloodshot eyes. "But then..." she shook her head. "Then you go and do something like this!" She raised her voice her hand gesturing up and down, referring to his corpse-like state. "I feel like I'm mourning you." She breathed trying to calm herself down.

"I'm sorry." Ash mumbled again. "No don't do that." His mother shook her head. "Your father did that."

"Every day there was another apology; another excuse."

"Ash I can't do this anymore."

She wiped the last tear from her face as she collected herself again. "I did it with your father and it killed me." She said. "If you want to kill yourself I can't watch it happen. Not again." She shook her head. "But if you're going to stop, and really try. Then I'll do whatever it takes to make sure that happens." She stared deep into his eyes. "Okay?" She confirmed. "Okay." Ash nodded back.

His mother pulled down the mirror above her, wiping away the black mascara from under her eyes. "Do you mind if I walk home?" Ash asked quietly. His mother looked at him wearily, unsure she could even trust her almost adult son to walk a few feet. "I just need some air." He spoke defeatedly, aware his mother no longer trusted him. "Okay." She nodded, her hand reaching to play with his hair and stroke his cheek. "I love you." She mumbled. "I love you too." He replied, pushing the door open and climbing out of the car.