Turn on the lights - Remus lupin comfort fic

Chapter 13

The first week of the holidays was a blur for Willa, she was trying her hardest to get through each day without thinking of the ordeal which had happened at the start of it. By Christmas Eve she had started to feel a little better. A little more like eating again, she couldn't look at herself in the mirror, what she saw was disgusting to her. Her body morphed in front of her each time looking at the things she hated about herself. She hated her boobs, she hated her hips, she hated her stomach, her arms now looked fat. She hated every part of herself that he had touched.

No matter how she tried to distract herself she always seemed to distract herself with the same thing. It always came back to hurting herself. It was the easiest way of dealing with it. With her recent discovery of the lascero charm the cuts healed quicker and caused more pain which helped all the loud thoughts be kept at bay. Lupin knew something was up. He had been keeping a closer eye on her, perhaps it was that she hadn't been eating much again or maybe he had a sixth sense about it all, she just knew he was coming and checking in on her far more frequently.

It was Christmas Eve. How was it Christmas Eve! Despite the increase in holiday cheer around Hogwarts Willa still couldn't feel less Christmassy if she tried. She had woken up at 4am. Attempts at falling asleep failed her once again she was awake and there was nothing she could do about it. The fire had gone out and the small makeshift room was cold enough that in the pitch black she could make out her breath. "Lumos" she whispered her wand lit up the room. She grabbed her thick wooden jumper and a pair of jeans off a chair which sat next to her bed and pulled them on under her duvet. She found the socks she had taken off the evening before in the space between the mattress and the footboard and slipped them on, she got out of bed and stopped for a minute before slipping her boots on and leaving the room.

The castle was almost dead with silence it was freezing and Willa half regretted leaving the warmth of her bed, or at least she thought she might have grabbed a coat. She walked quicker to try and build up warmth, as she left the castle this became a run. She was nearly blind as she ran down the Scottish hillside, 'where can I go that nobody will find me' she thought as her legs carried her. She looked at the forbidden forest for a moment before starting around the lake, she made her way up and up the hill, she was sure nobody would look for her up there! And there would definitely not be anyone up there at this time in the morning. It was still pitch black but her eyes had adjusted to the dim light of her wand. She scrambled up the grassy bank taking the occasional slip on some snow but carrying on none the less. She didn't stop until she had reached the top. She took in a deep breath of the cold piercing air, it felt so refreshing almost, she didn't mind it!

She had been amazed that she hadn't run into any dementors to be completely honest but she sat still in silence looking down over the shadow Hogwarts left. There were two windows with dim candle light creeping through the window. She sat somewhat out of breath but warm looking around her. "Lumos maxima" her wand let out a far greater light, not enough to illuminate too much but rough that she could see a little more of what was around her. Nothing was there. Nobody was there. "WHY DID IT HAPPEN TO ME!" She shouted, "WHY COULDNT IT HAVE HAPPENED TO ANYONE ELSE! WHY AM I SO USELESS AT BEING MYSELF!" It felt so good to just scream and know nobody could hear her "I DONT WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE!" She screamed before taking a seat again "I don't want to be here anymore." She repeated but far more quietly and sobs started escaping her. The dim light of dusk was beginning to rise washing over the sky.

"Are you okay?" A soft voice spoke out of the shadows. Willas heart pounded. "I promise I'm not going to hurt you, you just sound like you need someone to talk to" the figure had got closer, it was a tall thin man he looked gaunt but his eyes were kind if a little tortured. His long black hair resembled a mop and it took Willa a moment before realising, "y..your Sirius Black" she stuttered. "Yes but I'm not a murderous raving lunatic like everyone is saying dear," he stayed a safe distance away so to not scare her anymore. "To be honest I don't think I'd mind if you killed me, not like anyone would care that I'm gone." She said remarkably calm considering she was faced with the daily prophets number 1 most wanted. " I'm sure that's not true dear, I'm sure you have a Hogwarts family who care for you." He looked at her and took a seat beside her on the wet slush covered grass. "I might have once but I've ruined everything, like I always do. I can't live a normal life now, now all this has happened." She picked at the grass as though she was a five year old again. "What's happened, it can't be that bad dear" he looked at her face stained with tears. "Well, Urm, I, well.." she took a breath "well it's hard to explain really. I .. Urm... got into a habit and it went wrong it was that Slytherin girl and snapes fault really and one of my friends found me bleeding out in the Bathroom unconscious and now I'm terrified to see anyone again because I know they'll all be talking about me and a fucking man raped me the first time I was left alone and now that's all I can think about is his crushing weight on top of me and what he did and I hate myself because it was all my fault and if I wasn't so fucking useless at life none of this would be happening" she breathed heavily having just let everything out, to a fucking serial killer who she had just taken his word on the fact that apparently he wasn't a serial killer and everything had got it wrong. Maybe she really would be better off dead, she seemed to make the dumbest decisions known to mankind. The light picked up a little more. He pulled out a packet of cigarettes from his pyjama like trousers and clicked his fingers lighting it. He took a deep inhale before offering the packet to Willa, she took one, she had never smoked before but maybe it would help, he clicked his fingers and it lit, she watched him take a long drag and she did the same, she coughed a little bit overall she didn't mind it, it was quite warming really and at least it regulated her breathing. He started talking.

" well sounds as though you've been through quite a bit in a short space of time, I know it won't help much but I've been through a similar experience. Thinking it's all my fault." He paused to take a drag " it's not all your fault, life is difficult for a few of us. I guarantee your friends don't hate you. Talk to them you'll see!" He stopped and continued to puff on his cigarette, Willa copied him. "The world is definitely a better place with you in it though!" Willa didn't reply. She wasn't sure she believed him. She didn't believe him but she nodded and they both sat there puffing away. Willa liked it, the smell took a little getting used to and the feeling of the smoke hitting the back of her throat but she liked it. She threw the butt down the hill, the two still sat in silence he pulled out the packet and placed it in between the pair of them. They both took another. They just watched the world do it's own thing. It was surely at least 8am the light was brighter now the air was clearer. Hogwarts was fully visible now. "I loved that place when I was you're age, there's nothing I wouldn't give to be you're age enjoying it all over again" he looked so sad as he finished his sentence. "Did you have a lot of friends?" He stared puffing away for a while, before replying, "I had my brother James, Hogwarts brought us together, if lineage was anything to go off I shouldn't have been friends with him but he was my brother from the first day on the Hogwarts express. Then Moony, my moony. My kind sweet soft moony. I couldn't be closer to anyone, I loved my Moony." He was sadder now, she could see tears falling down his boney cheeks. "I had Mary and Marlene, they were both incredible witches! And Lily of course, the love of James's life and the smartest witch I ever knew. She thought I was trouble, which of course I was but she was well and truest part of the group once she got to know me and James of course.

"Summer 77'" Willa whispered she looked at Sirius. "You're the boy next to Harry's dad and professor Lupin. With you're eyes around them. And the three girls and that other boy. You're Lupins friend!" Sirius lit up. "How do you know that! Did you see a picture." "Yes I saw it in professor Lupins picture book, admittedly I shouldn't have looked in it but I know who you are, I just didn't know it was Sirius Black, you, in the picture." Sirius had lit up he looked as though he had a little life in him now. "I have to go but do you, do you think you could bring me the pictures. If we meet here again tomorrow. We can talk more if you like. I'll bring more fags. I really want to see the picture again!" Willa hesitated. "I don't know if I'll be able to get it, and well tomorrows Christmas so it might be harder to slip out but I can try!" He had been so boyish in his excitement at the photo being brought up. She knew she ought to try if I could be one thing she could do right she may as well try to do it. Sirius disappeared over the hill, Willa finished the fag she had in her hand and started making her way down the hill towards the castle again.