Hurtless (BL)

Chapter Seven

TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter talks about suicide and self harm. It was very tough for me to write, it's a topic that is close to my heart.
-Sam

G R E Y S O N

In the days following my panic attack I had started to feel frustrated. Frustrated that I couldn't just be happy, frustrated that I had to live with what my mother did to me. It was like a switch flipped and all that sadness and pain turned into boiling seething anger. I was angry and I couldn't stop it.

I was so engrossed in my painting I didn't notice Will and Dec come in.

"Whoa Grey that's quite the face." Dec says making me jump.

"Holy shit don't do that!" I say and shoot him a glare. He holds his hands up in defeat. I wasn't mad at him I was mad at the world.

"Sorry, I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at everything else." I sigh and put the paint brush down. When I look back at my canvas the breath is stolen from my lungs at the emotions on it. Will comes around behind me and holds his breath. Tilting my head back to see his face tears are gathering in his eyes.

"Greyson..."He whispers looking down at me. When Dec finally squeezes in behind me as well he jolts.

"It's not done yet." I whisper looking back at the canvas; tilting my head again to see it from a different perspective. Will puts a hand on my shoulder lightly. My hands are shaking when I pick my brush up again, I add the last touches to the painting.

The painting has an abstract look to it but when you look close you can see bits of memories, the mild ones. Mostly my face or my mothers. This might be the best painting I've ever done. The pain and anger spills out into the world. There are dark corners used to hide or closets, a stained bed and a shattered glass house. Pure and utter darkness leaching the light from the middle.

"I'm so sorry Grey." Dec says softly his voice thick with emotion.

"You didn't know, how could you." I shrug looking at him.

"How did you survive?"

"I almost didn't." It comes out barely audible. Dec chokes out a quiet sob. Will moves us to my bed to sit, I don't know how much to tell Dec without it breaking him. Because hidden in that painting is my attempts to not survive; the pain was too great and I didn't want to exist anymore. I never told him that much, it would destroy him.

"I'm sorry." I whispered. Declan only shakes his head and looks up at me.

"I tried to kill myself two times, unsuccessfully obviously but the pain was drowning me. I didn't know how to handle it... I still want to sometimes." I admit looking down at my lap. Dec wraps his arms around me tightly.

"I'm so sorry Grey." He says and hugs me tighter.

Dad walks into my room shortly after and his eyes widen in alarm. Will nods towards the paining, when dad sees it tears start falling silently.

"I'm okay." I promise.

"Dinner will be ready shortly. It's a really good painting Grey." He tried to smile but fails. We're all quiet for a long time, eventually Dec let's go of me and I slowly pull my sleeves up to reveal tons of scars on both arms. The most noticeable being a long scar running down the center of each arm.

"I started wearing long sleeves and hoodies to hide the big ones. People at school already think I'm crazy. I didn't want them thinking I was suicidal even though I was at the time." I explain and look down at my arms.