Why can't I hate her. I want nothing more than to hate her. She tricked me into falling in love with her. She convinced me that she loved me and that she was never going to leave me. But what she did was worse than I can ever imagine. I wasn't even worth the energy of a breakup. I wasn't worth the time for a conversation. I wasn't even worthy of being remembered. And then she thought that my thoughts and memories were hers to mess with. Were hers to take. Were hers to alter. When I asked for an explanation, all she would say is "I wasn't happy" or "I was scared" so because she wasn't happy, she decided that she would actually take the moments that I had being truly happy, she would take them from me. And I don't know what she expected. She seem truly shocked that I was angry about it. How could I not be. How could I not be that the better part of almost 6 months were missing. Wouldn't you be angry if you found out someone just made you forget them. And you lost every memory that had to do with them. It was easier to hate them when my only memories I had of them were after. When she was just a girl I had pictures of in my phone. When she wasn't someone that I knew. She was a stranger. When I got them back after days of crying and begging for everyone to fix it I didn't mean to just give me my memories back because that did the opposite of fixing it. It made it worse. Because now I know why I was feeling all the pain. What all this hurt is.
That morning I woke up not feeling great. My allergies were bad from spending all day outside. She never cared to kiss me and cuddle me when I was sick even if I was afraid that she would get sick too. Ever since we met she had always wanted to be the one to take care of me. Our morning was pretty normal, she woke up before me and had sent me cute instagram posts like "send this to the person with the pretties eyes" and one with a picture of an adorable kitten that said "omw to tell you how lovely you are". Things that I used to wake up to most mornings. She was sad when I said "no more kisses because my throat hurts, I don't want you to get sick" literally the night before she was talking about how she wanted me to slam her into the wall in like a sexy way. Which I gladly would have done, if given the opportunity (which I wasn't). She went and got me some medicine because she hates(?) hated(?) when I feel bad maybe even more than I do. And when she got back I started complimenting her because I could tell something was off. I thought maybe she was just feeling down because it had been her brother Austin's first birthday since he died. He would've been 17. She always gets (got) really embarrassed when I compliment her a lot. Her face turns about the same color as her hair and she would giggle and her laugh is my favorite sound in the world. I would do anything to hear it again. I told her I needed to get up but didn't want to, and she cuddled up with me and I remember telling her "now I'm never going to get up" and there it was again. That sound. Be the sound that's better than any song. Her laugh. We laid there for a while and she looked at me, her eyes full of tears and she told me she loved me, I told her that I loved her the mostest and for the first time ever, she didn't argue back. I asked her what's wrong with nothing as the usual response. I asked again. No response. I went to the bathroom and I sobbed and scrubbed and other stuff. She knocked on the door, not to check on me. Not to see if I was ok. Not to ask me what was wrong. She said "my dad is going to take us back to New York". Going back to New York was the last thing I wanted. I knew in my heart what was going to happen if we went back to New York. She was going to break up with me and move out. I only wish that was what happened. Instead I ran, I got a knife from the kitchen block and I ran to the music garden that she took me to for Austin's birthday. I sat there and I killed myself. But I wasn't fast enough. Her dad. Who I hate more than anyone else in the world. I hate him more than my own parents who abandoned me. I hate him more than Estelle who gets to have a baby and she doesn't take care of it or herself. I hate him more than most people would think possible. I saw him and the pain multiplied 100 fold. It kept getting worse and worse for what felt like forever. And eventually I bled out. And thank god I was dead. I wasn't going to have to deal with that anymore. But then, my brain starts to think, I was in Canada, why was I in Canada, how did I get there, where did I get this knife. I was confused. And miserable. I was looking where to go to get a new life. Livi had talked about reincarnation before. You forget everything about your previous life. Everything about you gets stripped and your soul goes into another person. Up until then I never understood why she would want that. But I do now. I was wandering around looking for it when Livi showed up. She forced me out of the underworld. She didn't care that I wanted nothing more than to not exist anymore. She didn't care that I have no family who would even miss me. She didn't care that I had no friends and no family and no dance and nothing to come back to. With no memories of Kayla, I had no one encouraging me to go to physical therapy. I had no one encouraging me to do my stretches and exercise every night. Without Kayla, I would've never been able to dance again.
But now, I have my memories back and I'm forcing myself to dance again. Because dance is all I have. I no longer have the aspirations to be the prima with the New York City ballet or the Royal Ballet. I really don't have the passion to teach ballet. But when it's all you have left, you have to do it. I can't listen to music anymore. I didn't really listen to music before. I never felt like I was missing out, so why should I feel like I'm missing out now. The Olympics are next year and i won't be able to watch them. I don't know if she has the drive anymore, like I lost the drive for dance. When I met her, dance was my whole personality. We could only see each other at night because I danced all day. But even if she's not there I won't be able to watch.
I'm not like livi, my life doesn't depend on her loving me. I think she was my person. The one who I was supposed to the hardest and the deepest. And I do. And I did. And I will. I will never love anyone like I loved her. So I just won't. I won't love again. It will just be me. Eleanor. Like it was for 10 and a half years. Just Eleanor Woods. Dancer. I feel silly now for thinking I would marry her in 10 years. I feel silly for thinking she was serious when she said it back. One time I asked her, how can I love you if you're dead, but now the question I'm asking is how can I hate you when I love you.
