How to become so happy that you die

What does it mean to be happy? Does it mean throwing a whole cup of coffee at someone and laughing vigorously at their misfortune? Does it mean picking a whole host of flowers out of your neighbors flower patch in their lawn and laughing in their face then running away when they come outside? Perhaps it means eating raw chicken until you throw up! In any case, happiness is very super mega ultra gigantically important.

I think old Squelchfield Macgrogglethorp said it best when he defined happiness like this: "Happiness is like when you run around outside in a circle until you pass out and are then revived by paramedics." What he meant by this, is very likely that happiness is a good thing followed by a bad thing followed by a good thing. It has to have ups and downs. No good deed goes unpunished, to the degree that running around in a circle is a good deed, passing out from exhaustion is the punishment, and the paramedics reviving you is the redemption aspect of it. Happiness is like a clam. It holds the pearl on its tongue forever and guards it with its life.

Some people, actually most people, are severely unhappy. That's why they need this book! That's why you need this book! Ya big unhappy dummy! Haha! Anyway! I was only kidding, and if you took me seriously in calling you a dummy, maybe that is why you are so unhappy in the first place. You take everything too seriously. When Your daughter gets a giant cut on her arm from a shard of broken glass and is screaming and crying, gushing blood all over your carpet like the self absorbed brat she is, just tell her, "It's not that serious, stop taking things so seriously" and pretend like it's not even going on and ignore her entirely. If she dies, she dies. Of course you shouldn't actually let your daughter die literally, but you should tell her this just to gauge her reaction, even though that might not be the greatest time for jokes.

The secret here is that telling jokes at inappropriate times is one of the plethora of many many ways to make someone, I.E, you, the reader, very happy. There are many secrets to being happy, and there are many paths to happiness. One seemingly silly but ultimately very real path to happiness is what I call the "try to fly" experience. You basically just try over and over again to fly without any mechanical assistance. Try to really think about what it means to be a big birdy boy and flap your arms really hard in the wind and say " I WILL FLY, TRY AS I MIGHT I WILL FLY, TRY AS I MIGHT" hundreds or even thousands of times in a row. You can also attempt to float straight up into the sky. Really focus, and think super EXTRA hard on beginning to float straight upward into the atmosphere. Try squatting down and sticking your arms straight up, pointing them upwards and chanting in your mind "Atmosphere, bring me up up up, atmosphere, bring me all the way up" and just absolutely clench your jaw shut super extra tight, straining and clenching your jaw and fists, imagining yourself getting sucked up into the sky.

So what are you going to do if you do the "try to fly" experience several and many times in a row and nothing happens? If you do not, in fact, truly fly high up into the sky and become a wonderful floating or fluttering human? Are you going to "have a cow" as it were? Yelling and kicking, screaming and flailing, cursing the sky for not letting you up into its midst? Will you then become full of angst and indignation towards the sky, shaking your fist up at it and crying lots and lots? I tell you, this is a path away from happiness, not towards it. What will become of your once beloved lady love if she sees you having a tantrum about not being able to float straight up into the sky?

I will tell you this much, the outcome will not be super extra fun-great. She will very likely either do something to make you mad, or do something that will make you not-glad. Either way, there's no winning in a situation like that my fine bub! One thing you could try to do is a wonderful new method to bringing about peace. This method to happiness is so intense that it will make your jaw drop. You just run out into the forest and collect a vast array of snails. And while this has merit in its own right, the ACTUAL goal here is to place them all on a pillow and read to them a tale of twists and turns! A story of stuff and stretchiness! This is a 2 pronged approach to your own gladness and joyfulness. Or "happiness" if we are sticking to our general theme, here. In telling the snails a lot of tales, we bring gladness to them but mainly ourselves, and we are arguably more important than mere snails! If only we could make them legitimately happy, if only they were intelligent enough to know we are trying to read them such beautiful stories and tales from a book! Then they would cry from glee and gladness!