Love Like In The Books

Chapter Seven

Sarah Green

I toss and turn in my bed. Now that I have felt the tip of anxiousness it won't go away. The constant images of the things I've done in the past which i regret or hurt from flashes through my mind. But it's mostly about him.

I still remember like it was yesterday, he was at my home after a long while. We stopped being friends with Benefits and just stuck to being friends because one I was plagued with feelings and two he didn't. Simple as that but he tried to tell me he wasn't looking for a relationship. And I was fine with it.

I was fine with being just his friend but somehow we always used to mess up and cross and blur that line we drew in between us. So I had to step up—once again. I prayed that he would change his mind that he would really want to have something real with me but he didn't. He said he was sorry and that he shouldn't have done that and just left.

He left and I didn't try to contact him anymore and neither did he. But it didn't mean I shut him off. No, of course I mean I kept tabs on him through Instagram. It pained me really to let him go. He was my friend but on top of that he understood me.

He knew I cried over him, yet he didn't care and so did I. I stopped myself from feeling those emotions—the pain, the hurt, the anger, the betrayal. I shut it all out and became a shell that now has been glued with the real me.

I took a deep breath and sat up on the bed. I tip toed out of the room and the ever so slowly out of the apartment. My phone clutched in my hand  I went over the lift. My foot tapped against the cold floor as I wanted for the lift to come.

Sighing I stepped into the lift and pressed for the sixteenth floor—which was the terrace. A smile formed on my face when the cold night air kissed my face. Stepping out barefoot I tottered my way to the edge of the terrace but stopped when I saw another figure already standing there.

Thinking it was a stranger I turned around and tip-toed back to the lift but stopped when I heard the stranger's voice. "Couldn't sleep?" Closing my eyes I cruised at myself for coming to the terrace today. Taking in a deep breath I turned back to him. I was in no mood to have a talk with him but still my heart sored at the sight of him. 

Giving him a soft nod I walked up and stood beside him, by arm hanging off the railing. As I looked over the city before turning my gaze up in the sky. "We're star gazing." His whisper was so low I almost missed him I looked at but he looked lost somewhere in his own mind.

"Hmm" I hummed, before turning back at the black sky with stars glinting up their. " I told you one day we would." A knot formed in my stomach at his words and I turned to him.

"It's so beautifu—"

"Stop!" I said harshly stopping him mid sentence. My chest already tightened with guilt of the tone and way I spoke to him. But I shoved it away breathing heavily. My jaw clenched as I stared at his naked hard chest. "Don't talk about it." It was half pleading and half command but he did listen. Giving me a quiet nod he turned back facing the city that was covered with the blanket of night which was drawn over it ever so softly.

"Arlo said that you are a writer now." He started yet another conversation. Biting the inside of my cheek I looked at him. "Yeah, I decided against IR" he gave an appreciative nod before.

"I always knew, you know the way you used to talk and the dreamy look while you read or speak about a book or writing in general. I knew you would choose to become a writer." He let his thoughts tumble out and I just stood frozen hearing them. But when he didn't hear anything from my side we fell into yet another silence.

"You know Sarah, I'm really sorry." He spoke again facing me. I closed my eyes as I felt them burn up. My fingers pinching the skin of hand. I didn't know when I started doing this but the pain felt dull.

"Stop staying shit you don't mean Killian." My eyes snapped open too baffled to understand where this rude reply came from. I looked at him and he too looked shocked and guilty? Shaking my head I turned around. "Coming on the terrace was a wrong idea." I mutter as I made my way back to the lift and down to the apartment.

By the time I reached the door of the apartment a single tear slide down my face. Wiping it away harshly I walked in quietly and into my room. Locking my door I slide down the door leaning my head against it. As I let the tears fall.

I told him what I feared. I told him what I wanted, we talked we shared secrets we learned each other. Only for him to leave me in the end. And now what?

He just comes in and says he's sorry?

It doesn't work like that.

The world doesn't work according to him.

I won't deny that he was the final nail to the coffin. Yet it hurts so much. It hurts so much that I want to hate him yet my heart yearns for him. His burning touches his comforting words. Just him his presence that was stable and warm in my imbalance and cold life.

Placing a hand on my mouth I tried my best from making any sobbing noises. But I didn't stop—I knew better than to stop letting myself vent. Because if I didn't I would bury it deep down inside of me till it bursts out.

The tears soon stop but my face is still a mess. My hands are on my knees as I look into the nothingness. It felt like the walls were closing in on me only that it truly wasn't. I felt like falling but only that I still stood where I was.

So I just sat there in the middle of the night against my door staring into nothingness as the familiar feeling of emptiness crept inside of me.

We knew each other—we shared a bond. But I was never the one the see what his affection and love felt like.