Love Like In The Books

Chapter Fifteen

~Sarah Green

My mind felt like a glitching television. Changing emotions and memories one after the other within a snap of second and throwing me down into an black abyss of those ill moments and sentiments.

It was always hard for me to process failure, it was for everyone. But it is harder when you breathe in people's opinion about you. When the external validation becomes the air you survive on. My chest was weighing under the weight of the sorrowful and disappointed looks that I will receive.

When your soul greeds for their praising words, like the hope and confidence you have, isn't enough for you to accept achievements you've reached.

My hands were freezing, the white blouse sticking to my back. It was a struggle to draw in every breath. The wall of disappointment closing in on me faster than my racing heart. The pain was so hard to process. I wish it wasn't this hard.

"It's basic"

"You need to spice up the plot line"

"There are many books of this kind, yours is no different."

I clench my jaw hard, why won't this end. It's just one publisher who rejected it right? I gasped taking in a deep breath my mind hazed with Demerit's words, that I don't even see that the car in front of me has slowed down. Stomping on the break my body jerks forward as I slow down the car, inches before hitting the person in front of me.

It was a bad idea to think of expanding my network. I should have stayed inside my own circle.

I was stupid to think that maybe, maybe I could be one of those writers who can blow up their career in a few go's. But I was so fucking wrong.

I was so stupid it makes me want to laugh at myself. I chuckled bitterly as I turned the corner to my apartment building.

I've been avoiding Arlo's texts and calls—who don't stop asking me about how the meeting went.

We it was fucked.

My eyes burned again and my chin quivering I bit down on my tongue hard, to stop me from crying again. The overwhelming feeling took over like a cloth over my nose and neck.

My vision turned blurred as I saw my apartment building. Turning down into the basement I parked the car hastily and collected my bag and file. My throat was dry but I wanted to scream, I wanted to blame myself. But it was okay.

I wanted to slip past this composure of a confident and strong woman to the girl who was scared and anxious of everything and everybody. I wanted to step out of this frame I created to protect myself and just for a second be the girl I was before.

I stumbled on my heels but managed to stay up right, walking over the elevator I pressed the button and waited for it to come.

I flinched when my phone started vibrating again, sighing I turned it off and threw it in my purse. Knowing that he still has two meetings before he can come back home. And tumble me down once again with his questions.

"It's okay..."

"You will get another publisher..."

"Life is all about failures and then success..."

A sob broke free from my lips as I pushed my hand against my mouth to stop the sounds. The elevator door pinged, but I didn't dare to look up. Hanging my head low I walked up to our apartment and unlocked the keys.

The warmth of home brought back all the pain I tried to stuff down. Setting my things on the table beside the door I slide down onto the floor. Bringing my knees to my chest, my hands on my eyes as I let my sobs out. Not caring if anyone heard me or not.

The time felt slow and the moment seemed not to pass, i felt stuck in that frame of guilt and disappointment. That i could let myself break out of it.

I didn't know what time it was or for how long I was crying but I had my hands pressed against my eyes and my head on the wall.

I sat on the cold floor numbly. Waiting as another hit of emotions drowns me again.

The silence echoed out loud pointing at me with my own disappointment. You never are prepared to face failure, you can never be, even after facing it time and time again. And I felt, this failure was a step closer for me to drop my dream off.

Tears slithered down my cheek as I stared ahead at the wall blankly.

I flinched away when I felt a warm touch on my ears before the melody of 'Reflections' by the neighborhood started flowing through my ears.

I looked over through my teary eyes and saw Killian sliding down against the wall beside me, looking in front but far away from this place. I looked at him, as if he knew what I was feeling, as if he knew what it felt like, as if he himself was reliving that moment, as if he knew what had happened his eyes snapped towards me. I opened my mouth to speak but was shushed with the look that passed his eyes.

"Shh, just let me be with you."

He just sat there staring into nothingness until he felt my gaze on him. He turned his eyes to me. And a small smile broke on his lips that sent a  shiver of delight down my spine, I looked behind him, at the door that was open.

My heart thumped hard against my ribs but I felt at peace, I felt comfortable. The loneliness that was once eating me inside disappeared slowly, but I looked forward, leaning my head over his shoulder because in that moment it was not about me and him.

It was his and my own memories that were haunting us, as we together were just two humans by each other's side, so to fight off the demons we both face.

His thumb brushed the back of my palm. And I sighed, when his fingers threaded through mine, silently communicating that he was there. My heart was so full of this small action.

I missed this, sitting in silence as we let our emotions be felt by one another. But the silence reminded me of the pain.

So we sat there for, as long as I can remember before my mind drifted into the sleeping slump.  I felt a small kiss on my forehead before I sighed and snuggled into his chest.

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IK I'VE BEEN GONE FO SO LONGG...BUT LISTEN ME OUT IT'S MY SENIOR YEAR SOO I GOT A LOT ON MY PLATEEE...😭🤡