Caspar [18+]

Chapter 36

Crystal's POV

Feelings, how one deals with them. Feelings like fear or grief are intense, they seak a way to burst, we always try to find ways to get them out of our system one way or another. And then there are simpler -as simple as an emotion can be- ones, like happiness or sadness, we deal with them, we ignore them, we let them consume us.

And then the most talked feeling of all...love.

How do we recognise love? Not friendly love, or family love. But the feeling of falling in love. Is it sharp and fast? People tend to use the expression "Fell in love at first sight" but is that even possible? I personally thought it was...when I first saw George at the company, at my first day of work my eyes lingered on him. When he introduced himself I was feeling a knot in my stomach and when he first kissed me I recklessly imagined my future with him.

But was it really love? Or was it the perfected idea of it that I have created in my head? Because right now, at this very moment the man sitting right across me was so indifferent to me. He was talking and I struggled to concentrate in his words. He was apologising and I felt like he was wasting my time. Only when a particular name left his mouth my focus immediately shifted on him completely.

George: ...with Caspar, I couldn't believe it!

Crystal: What?

I ask like an idiot stuck at the sound of Caspar's name. My mind always returning on him as if the rest of the world didn't really matter. I hated myself for thinking so self centered when it came to my life, when it came to me and him, but I have given up control of my thoughts for a while now...

George: I just said that when I saw in the tabloids that you and Caspar were a couple...I didn't believe it at first.

He shook his head as if he still struggled with the thought.

Crystal: We didn't want our relationship to get public. It was leaked information.

George: Yeah...you know when I first accepted the fact, I thought it was some sick game you were playing after all these years.

I flinched at his words and he averted his eyes before continuing.

George: I know it's stupid, you didn't contact me or anything but I thought it was some kind of trick after you disappeared so suddenly it was-

Crystal: I did what, now?!

George: You disappeared Crystal. You stopped responding to my messages and texts, you-

Crystal: No.

I frown ready to get unhinged. He didn't mean that, he couldn't!

Crystal: I called you every damn day George! I wrote you letters. I texted you messages! You said we should get the relationship on hold and I accepted it! You said we could talk but not that often and I accepted it! I waited for a whole year for an answer after our last conversation over the damm phone and even in that timeframe I never stopped texting you, or leaving messages on the voicemail!

I was raising my voice without realising it. I wasn't hurting, I wasn't asking for any kind of redemption. My relationship with that man belonged to the past and it would stay there. But I was mad...mad for the pain the past version of me have experienced because of him! Mad because of the way he treated me like what we had was nothing! Mad because now he was trying to put the blame on me!

Crystal: I did everything I could! I even went to your parents and do you know what they told me? That if I loved you I should stop pushing you. I should let you decide, I should give you the space and time to think if you really wanted to return to me. And so I did. My dignity was deteriorated, my emotions were all over the place and I knew I was losing myself! And for what? For the years to pass and for you to not answer.