Regret

Chapter 3

A rush of venom filled Gu Hai's stomach—a poisonous ache that threatened to overtake him. And yet, it wasn't so bad. Instinctively, he knew it would be worse. Once the shock subsided, he would be left with nothing but pain.

He needed to get out of there. Fast.

All at once, he took off. Sprinting down the alley, his breath came out in heavy pants. He didn't know where he was going. All he knew was that he needed to move.

Somehow, the cold air whirling past his face comforted him. It seemed to keep the hurt down where it might not overtake him. At least not yet.

He ran for a long time.

Not registering where he was, he was surprised when he suddenly found himself at the entrance to his apartment. Without thinking, he climbed the stairs and went in.

Once inside though, the quiet of the place, the curtained windows, the lack of space to move—it all hit him like a flood. He crumpled onto the ground.

It hadn't always been that way, though. As a young child, even the breaking of a kite string was enough to send a stream of liquid pouring down his cheeks. But with a father bent on training a hardened soldier, every tear was followed by an obligatory beating that left him cold and empty.

But now, crouched in the darkened room, he could feel his throat tighten, his eyes start to sting. All because of Bai Luo Yin. That boy had somehow crawled into his heart, worn away the edges, revealing the softness that had been there, hidden by anger and stubbornness. With the numbness gone though, all he could feel was pain.

How could he?? He thought again. How could he do this to me??

Still on the ground, he lifted his fist, and punched the wall.

Blood spewed from his knuckles, pouring down through the fresh crack in the wall. He exhaled, pain radiating through his fingers. And yet, it wasn't so bad. It helped to dull the other, deeper pain. Absentmindedly, he lifted his hand to his face, the blood mixing with his tears.

Suddenly he remembered Yin Zi's words: "So what if I like you? How can I be... how can I be friends with someone who treats me this way?"

Immediately, a fresh well of liquid pooled in his eyes. The simple truth of it: Bai Luo Yin had liked him. Really liked him. But... he had ruined it. Because of his own selfishness, he would never have a place in his heart.

Those bruises on Yin Zi's shin abruptly flashed before his eyes. He had done that. He had hurt him.

It was the first time, in his seventeen years of existence, that he'd truly experienced guilt.

He had never been as good to anyone as he had been to Bai Luo Yin. Never cared enough to be. But now... he realized he hadn't actually been good. Not really. Bai Luo Yin deserved better.

***

Gu Hai didn't leave the apartment for five days. He drank. He lay in bed. He slept and awoke in a blur. With the curtains drawn, he didn't know if it were day or night. His hand smarted. He knew he must have broken something, since he couldn't quite move all his fingers. Eventually, the bruises started to turn purple, yellow, and then green. Finally, on the fifth day, he heard a knock at the door.

Somehow, he found the strength to get up and open it.

He didn't greet his two friends when he saw them. He merely squinted, as if trying to understand if he were awake or in a dream.

"Gu Hai!" Li Shuo almost shouted. "You look terrible..."

Gu Hai didn't answer. He stared at Li Shuo as though perplexed. He took a slight step forward, inching out toward the light.