The Last Avenger [What If...? x DCAMU Crossover]

19. A Child Drinks My Coffee

Gotham City, Thursday,

December 13, 2015

Okay... This looks bad.

"I can't talk right now," I told Dick. "I'm in traffic."

Christmas time. You love it, or you hate it.

"You don't have a car."

"No, I'm in a taxi and there's this really angry German guy with a BMW." I hung up and rolled out of the way of the car Captain Nazi threw at my head.

You read that right folks. CAPTAIN NAZI. I wish Steve was here to see me now. And as far as Christmases in my book go, this wasn't bad. It was hard to top the Christmas of 2012 when Tony threatened a terrorist.

Fifteen meters away, the street burst into flames where Red Hood was fighting Hyena, and Arsenal was fighting Count Vertigo. The shock wave made me stumble. Pedestrians screamed as windows shattered, spraying the street with glass gravel. Cars swerved and crashed into each other, drives scrambling out of them and making for the hills.

When Jason said he liked pissing off Black Mask, he wasn't kidding. So as of an hour ago my evening had turned into a 1930s mafia movie/turf war. It was almost like being back in Hell's Kitchen, only Black Mask's muscle had more muscles than Fisk's.

I grabbed a handful of snow and threw it in the nazi's face, dropping to my knees in a spin and took out his legs. I raised a repulsor, aiming at the implants that allowed him to see when another explosion went off.

Everything sounded far away and unimportant, everything but a slow eery whistling that made my blood turn to coolant.

Across the street stood the Mortal Combat bridesmaid assassin.

Those red eyes locked onto me as she placed to gold coins over them.

Then there was a spike of pain across my temple, and everything went black.

When I came to, I was lying face down in the snow trying to figure out how hard someone would have to hit me to knock me out with the helmet on. I felt like I'd been flattened under a giant rolling pin.

Aww, man. I rolled over onto my back. Jason and Roy were standing over me, somewhat amused at my misfortune. "Did I miss Christmas again?"

I glanced around as Jason knelt by me and got me into a sitting position. All three bad guys were apprehended. No thanks to me. Earth's Mightiest Heroes my ass.

"You good?" Jason asked.

"I feel like crap. You know that?" I said. "Like... like actual crap. This gig is like being in the NFL year-round."

"Yeah, well. Mel Hein never had to shut down a couple of assassins before they tried to kill him."

"Mel Hein!" Roy elbowed Jason. "What are you, a hundred years old, Jaybird?"

Jason shoved his friend into the snow.

I lifted my face plate and ran a hand over my face, trying to bat away the Tweety Bird's and Sylvester's running cycles around my read. "I think my concussions are getting concussions."

Jason scoffed, grabbing my arm he pulled me to my feet.

"Hoodie-guy, take some time off," Roy suggested. "It's the holidays. So take a holiday from all this stuff."

Guilt washed over me. I'd had time off since May. Almost eight months ago now. Eight months of sitting on my ass feeling sorry for myself. But I don't think I'll ever be the Indiana Stark I used to be.