the band-aids are in the left cabinet

Chapter 10

tommy is wearing a suit, and about five minutes into the walk to the graveyard, he decides he really hates it. it's stiff, the fabric itches, and he feels all self conscious without his blue cardigan. even though he has his green bandana wrapped around his neck, and a bracelet he got from ranboo around his wrist, he feels wrong. he wishes he were wearing something comfortable. he feels pretty shit, if he's being completely honest. tubbo is feeling shit, so tommy is feeling shit. it's like telepathy, if telepathy was... trauma. it's a very flimsy simile. tommy's tired, give him a goddamn break.

the world is quiet as ranboo's grave comes into view.

tubbo barely even reacts.

finally, they all stand in front of the stone. engraved with ranboo's name, and a heart beside it.

the world is so quiet.

tommy takes a breath. "i miss him," he says. "he... i wish i knew him better." he isn't sure what else to say, so he doesn't say anything else. he just lets the words sit heavily in the stale air; lets them hang limply right in front of the small family.

"he-" tubbo starts, then stops. he clears his throat. "yeah. he was good."

"he was good," tommy agrees as he adjusts michael in his arms. "he was good."

"i hate this," tubbo hisses, resentful. "i hate this, i hate this. this is stupid."

"i know."

"i fucking hate this."

"me too, i know."

tubbo isn't wearing any expression in his face. his eyes are completely covered. "this isn't fair," he says. "it's not fucking fair, i hate it. he didn't- i don't-" he takes a breath. "i hate this."

tommy isn't sure what to do. he reaches out a hand, careful not to drop michael, and puts it on tubbo's shoulder. to his surprise, tubbo puts his own hand over his. "i'm sorry," tommy whispers. he doesn't know what to say. a part of him just wants to wait, see what tubbo does, look for any clue at all. tell me how to help you. i don't know anymore.

"...he would've hated this," tubbo says after a long moment, and tommy silently rejoices at the fact that he's actually talking. "he said i should have a party when he dies. to celebrate him," he laughs. it comes out warbled. "he was so dumb."

fuck. ok.

"tubs," tommy starts. "i'm... i'm sorry."

"for what?"

"i was a dick. i fucking- man, i thought you replaced me. i hated ranboo. i kind of hated you. i-" tommy takes a breath, steadying himself. "i hate seeing you like this. i'm sorry i was an asshole, i was- i was terrible. i really don't deserve to be here. i wish-" i wish i could trade my life for his. "i wish i could help you. i wish i could've been... better."

tubbo is looking at him properly now, for what seems to be the first time in forever. "tom," he says. tommy prepares himself for the worst. "i love you."

oh.

what?

"i-"

"i love you," tubbo repeats. "you're my brother. and i don't want to lose you again."

tommy blinks. the blinks again. "you- yeah, you're my brother too, i- i'm not sure what y-"

"i'm fucking- i'm tired, man," tubbo says.

he's- he's talking. he's opening up.

fuck. tommy isn't actually prepared for this, now that he's thinking about it.

"i'm tired of losing people. i'm really tired of it."

tommy is hesitant, but takes his hand from tubbo's shoulder and uses it to push his brother's hair out of his eyes. tubbo is looking at him, seeing him, gaze unwavering.

"i'm not leaving," tommy promises. "i won't leave you."

tubbo whines. "you don't know that," he closes his eyes. "you could be dead tomorrow. fuck, i could be dead tomorrow. i just- ranboo said we would be together until we got old."

oh. oh. he's scared.

tommy doesn't know what to do. he never knows how to comfort tubbo, so he does the only thing he can think of in the moment. he puts michael down gently, and puts both of his hands on tubbo's shoulders. then he says "oi, dickhead. look at me," and waits for tubbo to open his eyes. "you're right."

tubbo grimaces. "are you saying that to try and make me feel better?"

"no! no, tubs, you're right. you're always right," tommy pulls him into a hug. "but i'm not leaving."

"but-"

"no, man. i'm not leaving. you're my brother, my best friend. i don't have any plans to leave you anytime soon. got it?"

tubbo presses his lips together and looks down, letting his bangs fall back over his face. tommy reaches forward and brushes the hair out of his eyes again. they're so blue － electric － he had almost forgotten what they look like.

"it's like i said, yeah? you, me, michael － us against the world." we're all each other has left, is what he doesn't say, but he doesn't need to. he knows that tubbo knows. he just... knows.

tubbo sighs then says, "i think i'm sad."

tommy pulls him into a hug. "yeah. same."

they stand for a long, long time. when was the last time we had a proper hug? tommy finds himself thinking. he hugs tubbo tighter. he thinks tubbo might be crying, actually.

he doesn't move.

------

when they get home, tubbo locks himself in his room. he doesn't come out for a long, long time.

------

when he comes out, tommy wraps him up in another hug. it's nice.

------

"this bitch wore so many suits," tommy grimaces. "how did he live this way?"

tubbo snorts. "he was a pretentious bitch, tom, why are you shocked?"

tommy laughs.

it's been a month since ranboo's funeral, and they're cleaning out his closet. taking out anything they can donate, deciding what to keep and what to throw away. it's terrible. it's kinda fun.

tubbo's holds up a godawful sweater with an ugly cat embroidered on it. he smiles. "i dibs this one," he says. it's a terrible sweater, ranboo wore it all the time to piss tubbo off. it never truly worked, but tubbo would always point out how awful it was, just to be an asshole.

tommy grimaces. "that's so fucking ugly," he says. "you can fucking have it. jesus christ."

the sweater is soft, and tubbo holds it as though it were something far more precious than plain old sheep's wool. it feels precious. it feels like a broken piece of something irreplaceable; something some rich prick would say 'be careful with that!' about. it's just a sweater.

it still smells like ranboo.