This is How We Break | Jungkook

Part 11

You turn your phone off after you send a reply to Areum's dozens of messages.

"Just give me some time. I'll call when I'm ready," is what you send, as you sink into your couch and bury your face on the pillow as you cry for the nth time today.

You made yourself tea, took a long shower, tried to sleep.... But you almost dropped the cup, got burned by the hot water, and kept imagining a hurt Jungkook lying bloodied on the pavement, and you'd given up and just let yourself cry.

You let the noise from the TV drown out your thoughts, slowly calming you down as the tears have now dried up, when you hear a loud banging on your door. You close your eyes to drown that out.

"___, open the door, please," Jungkook calls out, desperate voice just hoping you'd let him in. "Please. I need to know you're okay."

He repeats those words until you admit to yourself that he's who you need right now, so you drag yourself to the door and open it to see him leaning on your doorframe, eyes glassy and chest heaving from all the effort of trying to get you to open up.

There's a moment of silence as you look at his form - healthy, clean, alive. And he's here with you, breathing the same air, living the life he's always wanted.

Then you break, your sobs spilling out and reverberating through the hallway, your throat hurting as it strains from your cries. Strong arms envelope you, as you bury yourself on his chest, your hands clutching on his sweatshirt, words unable to form.

You've missed him terribly, and you've never felt more comfort in the past years as you do right now, in his arms, as he whispers repeatedly in your ear. "It's okay. I'm here, ____. I'm here."

You both stand by your door as he constantly shifts you in his hold, tightening his hold then loosening it only to let you breathe, but he holds you as if to carry the pain and sadness with you.

He feels your knees slightly buckle so he takes your face in his hands. "Let's get you to the couch."

Jungkook walks you there and sees your tear-stained pillow and blanket. He tells you to sit as he grabs you a glass of water to drink, watching you as the tears continue to fall down your cheek, his own cries aching to be heard as well.

You deny his offer of getting you dinner and he convinces you to get some rest, seeing your heaving body, tired from feeling all the emotions and dealing with them by yourself.

"You need to sleep," he kneels in front of you, removing the damp strands of hair from your forehead and caressing the tears off your face.

"I've been trying but I can't." Your voice cracks. "Don't leave."

"I'm not going anywhere, okay?" He says, kissing your hand softly like he did those years ago when you'd said your goodbyes. But this time, it's like a promise he's making that whatever happens, he's going to stay.

You lie down on the couch and leave him some space, prompting him to lay beside you with his left arm serving as your pillow, and his right your extra layer of warmth. You immediately sink into his hold, the fresh scent and comfort of his sweatshirt making you feel lighter by the second, as if he's slowly taking from you whatever it is you've been keeping to yourself this whole time.

Jungkook lets you cry some more as he pulls you closer, as close as he can have you, and he kisses your forehead, lingering, to remind you that he's here, breathing next to you.

"What happened out there, Kook?"

"I just wanted to see you," he says after some time. "I felt so lost when you left; I didn't get to tell you everything I wanted to say. I wasn't doing well at school so when my parents found out what happened, they had the guys bring me back home."

He combs his fingers through your hair and caresses your arm as he tells you more - how his parents hoped they'd realized sooner that his heart just wasn't in law, that he tried too hard for them and that he'd broken his own heart in the process. He shared how they helped him move on, let him stay busy by working at their friends' hotel and tinkering on some motorcycle, reminded him everyday that he'll figure things out soon, that they love him regardless, whatever he chose to pursue.

But that some days were still hard - not being there for Jin after he lost his grandfather, Jungkook having his sister spend time in their house after a 36-hour duty at the hospital to make sure her baby brother was alright, watching his mother smile through the other ladies make comments about her ambitionless son who just didn't know what he was doing in life, knowing his father's dreams of having a lawyer in the family not see the light of day.

Then there was missing you, wishing he could just feel your touch, boop his nose then kiss it like he always liked, have you tell him that he's good and worth something, no matter what he does.

He'd gone out for a drink during one particularly hard night. A bottle of beer and two shots, something that barely makes a dent in his system; it's all he had. But he'd been sleepy, it had just rained, and the streetlight on the road was broken.

And there was a stalled car in the middle of the road that he didn't see.

He lost control and managed to avoid the tree up ahead, causing his motorcycle to slide then flip over, taking him with it. You're so lucky, the doctor told him. We could've lost you, his sister cried. Broken ribs, burns and gashes on his arms, a concussion, a broken neck... It was a scary sight, but it looked worse than it really was.

Se-won's family is influential in Busan and she begged her parents not to file a case, as she hadn't been hurt. Jungkook was ready for the consequences, knowing that it had been his fault, and he could've really hurt her. But Se-won insisted, letting him take his time to recover; helped him with the emotional part of healing, too.

She was a stranger turned lover. She wasn't someone he'd disappointed yet and he knew he never would, so he let himself bask in the infatuation, in the care, in the temporary bliss. Anything to remind himself of what he'd lost - himself.

"Your friends drove down with Joon and Jin. I made them promise me not to tell you," he croaks, feeling you cry again. "I didn't want to give you a reason to come back because you'd been doing so well out there. I wanted you to be happy and you were." He kisses your forehead. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize, please," you say, hugging him tighter. "I don't want to think about that anymore. I'm just happy to know you're safe."

"I am," he assures you. "That was probably the biggest mess up I ever did and it was enough to force me to really get my shit together, you know? Tae used to be that annoying kid at school and I'm glad he didn't change." Jungkook laughs, recalling how his friend would visit Jungkook at the hotel where he worked and pitch to him different business ideas. "We just needed a push and an investor who took a chance at us then things slowly fell into place."

"I'm sure the guys are on your ass even more now, huh?"

"They let me sleep over even if I'd had just one bottle of beer," he sighs. "But I'm glad they look out for me as much as they do. I don't think I would've gotten through all of that without them."

"I'm so sorry," you desperately whisper in his ear. There's so much to be sorry for but you know Jungkook wouldn't wanna hear it.

"I don't wanna hear it. That was all me, stupid and immature and selfish me."

Your sniffles and hiccups fill the silence in the room as you trace his tattooed arm, feeling for the first time the rough parts of it that hide behind the blank ink.

"I didn't want to be reminded of that night," Jungkook says. "They'd healed but they were the most visible marks and I had to cover them up."

Your fingers trace his chest, wondering if the marks there had healed, too, but you settle with listening to his beating heart and uttering the words you've been meaning to tell him, as he envelopes you in his warmth.

"I've missed you so much, Kook. It was hard, too, when I was away, but I'm so happy you're here."

He affectionately boops your nose. I don't want to be anywhere but here, he doesn't say, but you return his smile and it's all he needs to get him through another day.