BARCODE
P'Mile is silent for the entirety of the ride, leaving me to my thoughts. Until today, I never viewed Mile as anything else but my Phi, an unapproachable one at that... but after our short conversation, I've found myself looking at him in a new light.
His large veiny hands are rested on the sterling wheel and dark eyes focused on the road. His jaw is clenched hard and mouth set in a firm frown but he doesn't turn to look at me no matter how much I will for it to happen.
We spend the rest of the drive in silence and he doesn't turn to me until we're parked right outside my home and even then, we stay locked in silence.
"I had no idea that spending time with men way older than you would influence you this way," he finally speaks but it's definitely not what I want to hear.
"I know what I want and it has nothing to do with hanging out with you guys." Maybe it does but I would never admit that out loud.
"Did you want to date an older man before you met us?" he asks, turning to face me and my mouth runs dry when my eyes meet his dark ones.
"I... I didn't know what I liked before."
"Exactly. Fuck! What were we thinking including you in our meetups? The rest of the guys are over twenty five, of course we would confuse you..."
"Stop!" I say, placing my hand on his thigh and he goes still. "I have thought about this P'Mile. It's been eating at me and at first I thought it was character breed from being paired with another guy but...it's not that. I like guys but I especially want to be with someone older than me."
"You are confused."
"I am not confused, stop saying that!" I rage, tightening my fingers over his thigh. "I know what I want and if you don't believe me then maybe... uhm, maybe you could..."
"No!" he says firmly before I can say the words out loud but I don't need to as they are clearly written on my face.
"If you think I am confused then you'll want to help me right?"
"Barcode..."
"Don't call me that!"
"Look..."
"I have to know if this is what I really want. Lets say you are right and hanging out with you guys has left me confused but if that is the case, wouldn't you want to help me?"
He shakes his head and turns away. "Therapy..."
"I don't fucking need therapy!" I rage and he turns to look at me with a brow raised which makes me lower my tone a little. "I don't want therapy. If you want to help, then you'll let me try it with you. For a little while, maybe a week you can be my daddy..."
"Get out," he says, cutting me off, his tone way too calm for the harsh words he delivers.
"P'Mile..."
"Get out of my car, go home and get some rest. I will pretend this conversation never happened."
"But!"
He narrows his eyes in a way that sends a chill down my spine and in turn leaves me angry at how much one look from him is enough to shut me up. I glare at him as I open the car and climb out. My glare is firmly in place as I slam his car door closed and stomp to my house.
Fuck him!
Fuck him and his ridiculously handsome face.
Does he think he is the only man in Bangkok?
I will find someone else to take his place. I don't even like him like that but he was there and I thought I could do this with someone I could trust but I'll just have to find some random dude online.
What's so special about P'Mile anyway? He's not even the one I like. It's P'Jeff I liked first and not P'Mile. Before tonight, we'd never even spoken before.
I don't care about him.
I tell myself that I don't even like P'Mile when I finally get into bed but he's who I am thinking about. It's his hard face on my mind when I wake up the next morning and the rest of the day as I hang out with my friends.
A stupid part of me expects him to call or text but I get nothing the entire day.
I opened up to him and revealed a part of me I have kept hidden for a while now and I thought he would...
What? That he would suddenly become what you need? I scoff at my ridiculous thoughts.
"Hey," someone snaps their finger in front of my eyes and I look up to meet my best friend watching me but he is not alone. Everyone with us is watching me with matching confused looks on their faces. I've been so focused on Mile that I forgot I was out with my friends.
"What?" I ask, reaching for my drink.
"We asked you if you want to join us tonight. My cousin, the one in college said he would get us some beer if we paid him double."
I chew my lips and look up to meet eager eyes staring at me in anticipation. "What if we get caught?" I ask cautiously.
"No one will know. Barcode, you've been whining of how you've never had a real taste of adulthood. This is your chance."
I lower my eyes back to my phone before tapping it once. It's light up but there's still no message from Mile. I don't even understand why I'm suddenly fixated on him.
I have no clue what changed. Before yesterday, we were both co-existed in the same space by being casual but nothing over the top but now, I see him in a different light. He is all I can think about.
Yesterday I noticed how form fitting his suit was. How perfectly it highlighted his lean muscles and when he turned to look at me with his sharp dark eyes... the chill that ran down my spine was unlike anything I had ever experienced before. And when he called me kitten...
I tap my phone and slam my fist on the table when I see there is still nothing from him. He can't do this to me!
He can't just make me curious and pretend that I'll just forget it and everything will go back to normal!
He has no right!
"So, are you in or not?" Song asks, hooking his arm around my shoulder.
"I'm in," I say without second thought.
"Good," Song says patting my back before turning to our other friends.
My phone lights up with a text and I scramble to grab it, expecting to read Mile's text but it's only my mom checking to see if I'm still spending the night at Song's place.
I plop my arms over the table and drop my head on top of them as I try to figure out how to go abut this new obsession I have.
I can't want Mile.
Everyone in our group would frown at the idea of Mile and I being anything but Phi and Nong but... what do they know?
I can't want Mile. Hell, he doesn't want me either to but...
What if I make him!
I'm curious enough to want to try.
