Kate and Yelena go to Wizard School!

Im sorry

PREFACE- I have neither read the Harry Potter books nor seen any of the movies. This is purely for fun/comedy, it is completely unserious and not meant to be engaged with on any kind of intellectual level. I promise I am a serious author in other places.

Enjoy the absolute dumbest thing I've ever endeavored to write.

___

On her first day in wizard school, Kate Bishop killed exactly two people.

The first, some loudmouth ginger, was not her fault. Who was going to tell her that the little stick they gave her upon entry actually shot magic, and not just fireworks? All Kate did was mumble a random Latin phrase, and suddenly the boy was turned to stone.

She had to dispatch her equally confused best friend/enemy/lover/ex/situationship Yelena for help on hiding the body, and the blonde suggested they pose him in the courtyard as a statue. So far no one was the wiser.

The second unintentional casualty, a dweeb with glasses and an admittedly cool forehead scar, had dropped his magical potion flask thingie in front of Kate, and they bumped heads as they both bent to pick it up. A sizable knot formed on the boy's head, and he seemed nice enough, so Kate decided to lend a healing hand.

Confident, she waggled her enchanted twig, saying, "Helios quickios," and expecting something to happen.

Something did in fact happen, as the boy burst into immediate flames, burning to a heap of ashes with glasses on top. Shocked at her second manslaughter charge, Kate whistled nonchalantly, walking away to whatever absolutely incomprehensible class she was scheduled for.

Halfway through a class called Math 2: Magic Math, Kate looked up to see Yelena waving from the door, weird ass robe sleeve waving like a flag. After asking to using the little wizard's room, Kate joined her in the hall, twirling her wand like a drum stick.

"What do you want? I was just about to learn about what kind of dog is the most symmetrical," Kate said, pulling her hood over her head to feel like Emperor Palpatine.

"What the hell even are these classes?" Yelena wondered. "They put me in Intro to Pyrotechnics and Mysticism for Dummies."

"Dude, they think you're stupid. I'm in the pro wizard classes, such as Wand Crafting and P.E."

"They put you in shop and gym class."

"Damn it." Kate and Yelena strolled into the courtyard, followed by the eyes of Kate's first murder victim. They swam through tens of British children, most of whom enjoyed beans on toast for lunch. "You're trying out for the Bramblewitch team, right?"

"No, you oaf. I'm actually focused on our mission."

"Oh. Remind me of what that is, again? Kill Dumbleweed?"

"No, kill the gray bitch with no nose."

"Oh. Does it have a name?"

"No, nobody would say it. Just keep an eye out, and keep your head down." Yelena glanced at the statue. "As low as you can, anyway."

"Right. Wait, why'd you pull me out of class?"

"We have to get sorted."

"Excuse me?"

Yelena groaned, tugging Kate by the arm to a room labeled 'Hat Room'. Inside, unsurprisingly, there was a hat. An animate, talking hat.

"What the fuck is that?" Kate said from the doorway, and the hat looked over with a pointed stare. Even with no eyes, Kate felt scolded. "Sorry, Mr. Hat."