Love and Clickbait

Chapter 24

Courtney's wedding invitation had well and truly thrown a wrench in my life. Before it had shown up, I'd been fine pushing those feelings of contempt and abandonment into a box in the back corner of my mind and going about my life. Hell, I'd felt like for the first time in forever I was letting the walls that I'd built up be knocked down one brick at a time. I'd been opening up and moving forward.

Hadn't I?

But now it was like none of that had happened. Even though I'd ripped that damn invitation to pieces as soon as Sadie had left my house Friday morning, the damage had been done. I'd said some truly hurtful things in the heat of the moment, things I didn't actually believe to be true, and I had no idea how to move forward.

Which was why, as the days passed, I found myself reverting back to the closed off, surly man that I'd been before Sadie had barrelled into my life. I woke up (typically after a nightmare), went for a run, went to work, and then headed home to eat and sleep before the cycle repeated itself.

I also spent an ungodly amount of time trying to figure out what I could say, if anything, to get Sadie to forgive me. Because I missed her, and if I was honest, the lifeless loop I had fallen back into was dull as shit after experiencing what it was like to have a force like her by my side. But no apology I could dream up seemed fitting after the vile words I'd said aloud.

And maybe, despite how much it would hurt, that meant I should just let her go.

"Knock, knock," Finn said, pushing open the door to my office on Monday afternoon and pulling me out of my thoughts. "Got a minute?"

"Sure," I said simply. "What's up?"

"Wanted to let you know that one of our bartenders just asked me if you were okay, because, and I quote 'he's seemed a bit testy since the night of the veteran appreciation event'," he said. "So I thought I'd do my duty as your brother, and co-owner of this place, to tell you to knock off the grumpy persona while you're talking to our staff. Even giving what you're going through, it's not a good look."

"Shit," I muttered under my breath, dragging a hand through my hair. "Sorry, man."

My apology hung in the air between us for a few moments, neither of us breaking the silence, but as his gaze bore into mine as though he was trying to silently prompt me to give him something more, I began to squirm uncomfortably in my chair.

"Do you have something else to say?" I asked.

"Did I tell you I bumped into Sadie when she was coming back from a run on Saturday?"

I arched a brow and leaned back in my chair, crossing my arms. "No."

"Well, I did."

"Okay... and? Did she say something to you?"

"She didn't say much, considering she could tell you'd at least clued me in to the idiotic things you said to her," he said pointedly, "but I did ask her to be willing to hear you out when you eventually go and grovel for forgiveness." When I didn't immediately respond, his brows drew together with concern. "Because you are going to grovel for forgiveness... right?"

I let loose a long sigh. "I don't know, man."

"Dude, what the fuck do you mean you don't know?"

"It's just... I've been trying to figure out what I could possibly say to get her to forgive me, to even think about giving me a second chance, but nothing seems good enough," I said dejectedly. "I can't find the words."

"Well that settles it then—you truly are an idiot," he stated bluntly, plopping down into the seat on the other side of my desk. "Now listen up. I've spent years watching you live your life day to day, withdrawn from most people and even holding me at a distance. And I don't fault you for that, much. What you went through—losing Dawson, losing your leg, and then losing Courtney all in one fell swoop—would be enough for anyone to close themselves off, but instead of dealing with that pain, you let it fester as you tried to move on. And now years later, here's this fantastic woman who stumbled into your life and started breaking down those walls, but after one mistake you're just going to let her walk away? You're not going to fight for that glimmer of happiness you've gotten to experience these past couple of weeks?" He shook his head in disappointment. "Putting your heart out there doesn't always have to end in heartbreak, and if you don't find a way to fix this soon, Sadie will leave for good. She'll find somewhere else to stay, and then you won't get the chance to apologize."

His words sank in immediately, causing my hands to clam up as the sound of my heart thrashing filled my ears. "You think she'd really leave?" I asked, voice thick with worry.

"Wouldn't you?" Finn volleyed back. "I know you've only known each other for like, two months, but if your roles were reversed and Sadie had done something to betray your trust—to damage your relationship in any way—would you be okay with living in constant fear that you'd bump into her every time you left your apartment?"

A sinkhole in the pit of my stomach opened up as I realized my answer to that question was no. It'd be hell. "What do you think I should do then?" I asked with a grimace.

He held up a finger. "First off, you're right that words aren't enough, but you're still going to need them. You need to apologize and mean it." He held up a second finger. "Secondly, I would say give her a bit more time to let her anger simmer. If you try to apologize when that hurt is still fresh, you may end up doing more harm than good. Plus, you're going to need the time to figure out the third thing, which may be the most important of them all." He held up a third finger, staring at me pointedly. "You need to deal with your own pain and insecurities about relationships, instead of pushing it to the side. You need to be proactive about taking steps to make sure you don't blow up on Sadie, or anyone else, again when you're really just fighting against your inner demons."

Intrigued and open to the idea, but unsure of how to actually do it, I asked, "And how do you suppose I go about that?"

There was a pause. "I think it's finally time to talk to a therapist, brother," he said sincerely. "You've always been against it, but keeping those feelings bottled up hasn't exactly worked for you. I think you need to work through your past in a healthy way, and a therapist would help with that."

I let the silence draw out between us for a few moments as his words bounced around my mind. He'd brought up the idea of me seeing a therapist before. So had my parents, my doctors, and my colleagues from the marines. But I'd always said no. That I didn't need help. Or to have some poke and prod around in my head. They'd eventually given up pushing, but now, when I thought about what was worse—talking about my past with a stranger who could possibly help me move on or to watch Sadie move on from me—the answer was clear.

"I think... that's actually a smart idea."

Finn shrugged his shoulders, his lips pulling up in a side smirk as he said, "It happens every now and then."

A short chuckle escaped me before I cleared my throat. "But seriously, thanks."

"No problem. You know I'll always be here for you, even when you fuck things up."

I rolled my eyes, but let him have the last word as he stood and headed back to work. After all, he was the reason why, when I was once again left to my own devices, I opened up a new tab on the computer and started to research options for a therapist in the Seattle area. Because he was right, it was time.