Who of What Am I: On How Did I Find Myself As A Part Of This Universe

Part 1

स घा वीरो न रिष्यति।

(The Brave never Perishes. - Rigveda 7.4.7)

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A victim of severe depression, bipolar disorder and psychosis since 12, I spent a lot of my life struggling with myself. I bled inside from repetitive stabs of pain, bled outside from efforts of escaping from pain. I felt death slowly approach me responding to my calls, but for some strange reason it never touched me in spite of breathing in my neck.

The mythology of Nachiketa in Upanishad will tell you that if you come back from death, you know a lot more about life. I'll never say I know a lot about life, but I see it from a new perspective now.

That everything you go through in your life leaves an imprint on you. It may be as little as seeing a full moon in a cloudless sky. You don't realise that just then, but it resurfaces back into you later. Sometimes it hits you so suddenly that you feel overwhelmed, and sometimes so calmly and gently that it has a soothing effect almost.

And all along you're making contact with the Ultimate Divine Spirit, that dwells in everyone and everything of this universe.

Which Hindu philosophy describes as the Brahman. Which Paulo Coelho has described as the 'Soul of the World.'

Something like a finest, purest form of energy that is behind every happening in this universe. Something that expresses itself in various forms, yet always the one and uniform. Something that is inside every single thing, single organism and single matter of this universe. Something that you can't feel with your five senses, so deep it's inside you; yet it's such thoroughly related with you that you can discover it inside you in every step.

You can feel its presence everywhere you go. In a summer noon when the Sun pours molten lava on Earth, you feel it in that scorching shine. In a full moon night you feel it in the serenity of moonlight. In some lively, vibrant club or disco, you can feel it exploding in youths. In a quiet graveyard, you can feel it protecting the departed souls in its protective shadow.

You can feel it in the rhythmical beating of your heart inside your body, and you can feel it in the furious roar of thunder and howl of wind during a thunderstorm. When in solitude, you feel that the same energy that keeps your blood flowing inside your veins, also rotates the Earth around the Sun in a much bigger form — you feel that energy, the Ultimate Divine Spirit in your soul.

And that's when you recognise the vedic citation of 'the son of immortal' in your heart.

A long while ago in a noon, I sat in my room and watched everything turn golden in the serene rays of sun. Everything seemed so calm and dreamy in that quiet hour. I felt that tranquillity enter me, filling me with a feeling I never felt before. Something not of Earth seemed to prevail in the atmosphere that day, something which had a touch of a very ancient, forgotten dream. Something which flowed through all the dimensions, bearing with it the essence of past, essence of what is left behind. Something which evoked both dream and memory, blending in a feeling I couldn't entirely fathom at that age. But it left me strangely fascinated.

Now, after more than five years, in an equally tranquil and quiet noon, I sat in my room, reflecting over my miseries. I felt alone, terribly alone. And neglected. And unwanted. And hated. And unworthy of staying with others. I was crazy, I was abnormal, I couldn't bring anything other than disturbance and annoyance to others. I felt like a burden that should better be thrown away.

I wanted to cry, to weep my heart out, but couldn't. Agony had burnt my eyes dry and tearless. I remembered my old days of continuous, vicious affliction of pain; when it wanted to come out but couldn't find its way in tears, so came out through blood. I just sat exhausted, staring at the sky.

The sky. The sky that gazed protectively upon thousands of souls for thousands of years. The sky with its eternal gem, the Sun. The Sun that lovingly embraced all with its golden beams since a time too old for recollection.

And I felt that upon me. That ancient protective gaze, that ancient loving shine. I felt the essence of the Ultimate Divine Spirit soaking through me, my body, my bleeding heart, my wounded soul.

And I felt something else. That my eyes were no longer dry. That my eyes were welling up. That tears were filling my agonised eyes, rolling down my cheeks.

But they weren't tears of pain. They were tears of happiness, of gratitude.

Because I knew, I was never alone. I would never be alone, for the Ultimate Divine Spirit never leaves me.

I was never hated. I would never be hated, for the Ultimate Divine Spirit never hates me; He loves me, He protects me from every evil.

I was never neglected or forsaken. I would never be neglected or forsaken, for the Ultimate Divine Spirit never neglects or forsakes me; He dwells in me, He makes me invincible to all evil.

The Ultimate Divine Spirit is in me, with me, and around me all along. I just need to kindle Him, sometimes with pain, sometimes with love, sometimes with reverence and sometimes with gratitude.

And I will never be alone again.