Liquor and a Letter

Livin' In My Agony

Hermione immediately regretted her words to Harry as she watched him leave. Somehow, she knew that it meant he would honor her wish and stay out of her life for the rest of it. She knew she unfairly blamed him for her engagement falling apart but she was so hurt and afraid of being alone. She had finally found some semblance of peace and happiness after he destroyed her and here he was again, helping to destroy her engagement.

Still, she knew he did the right thing and saved her from a loveless marriage built on lies but the wound was still too raw. For a year, she harbored such hatred and anger towards him but it was beginning to fade once she realized just how much of a sacrifice he made for her. He knew she would have been hurt and blamed him for the engagement but he went through with it anyway, resolving to deal with it if it meant her being happy.

She could allow herself to be honest with herself just this once and admit that his actions made her realize that she never stopped loving him. She could allow herself to realize that the reason she was angry and hurt so deeply by him was because he had her heart in a way no one else did. He was the last person she expected to hurt her and when it happened, it was unlike any pain she felt before.

In a way, she was grateful that he came back in her life and helped Justin out of his tight spot. It was hard to believe that she would suddenly remember how much she loved him after having spent four years denying it and a year hating him for his letter, but here she was. She still loved him, loved him in a way she never could with Justin.

"I'm sorry for what I did, Hermione but I'm not sorry for telling the truth. You're a nice girl but I don't love you, not in the way you love me. And, truth be told, after what you did to Harry, I'm really glad I met him and asked for his help."

With that, Justin left the room and Hermione was alone with her parents who looked at her disapprovingly. She considered Justin's words and realized he as much as told her he was glad he didn't get to marry her because of how she treated Harry. It made her feel a wave of guilt and shame at just how much of a trollop she was being to Harry.

"Look I don't know what he did to you, but I do know that he did what he did for you," her father said in a hard voice. She could tell he was disappointed in her and there was nothing else she could do but admit that it was justified. "I can't believe you're mad at him for saving you like you always said he does. What did he do to make you hate him so?"

She wanted to answer and say that it was the letter but it suddenly felt like a flimsy excuse. For all of the letter's words, she knew it was because he was hurt and bitter at seeing her with another. For eleven years, she knew Harry Potter well enough to know that he lashed out when he was hurt. It didn't make it okay for him to say what he said and call her what he did, but it was high time for her to let it go.

"He told you he still loved you and yet, here he was, trying to make an effort with your fiancé. He was still in love with you and still agreed to attend your wedding," her mother added, both to the conversation and to Hermione's guilt.

Hermione remembered not believing him that he was trying to make an effort to be happy for her. She belittled him and even proclaimed to blame him for anything that happened to threaten her relationship even after he told her he had no ulterior motive. Not once did he lie to her since they reentered each other's lives and she still didn't believe him. A long time ago, her anger would have been justified but now it wasn't. He was trying to make amends and she wouldn't let him.

"I'm sorry, love, but I'm struggling to find what he did to make you not even believe any of his words. I don't know what he could have done to make you lose all your faith and trust in him, the same ones you've had in him since you two met each other."

Emma looked at her imploringly for the answer but Hermione knew the truth. He didn't hurt her nearly enough to warrant her treating him like dirt and losing everything she knew about him. He cut her deep but, had it been anyone else, she would have forgiven them with enough time passed. The only reason she couldn't do so with him was because she was afraid of letting him back into her heart.

Now, however, she was given a rare second chance with him. He still loved her, he said. After years of pining for him and being away from him, he finally loved her the way she wanted him to. She wasn't about to let this chance slip away so easily. Hermione was going to finally be honest with herself and her feelings for Harry James Potter.

"He didn't do nearly enough for me to act like this."
                                      ————
Later that night, Harry found himself back at the Witch's Tap. This time, however, was different because Ron was along with him. He didn't know what possessed him to bring the redhead along but he got the sense that it was perhaps the self preservation instinct in him that told him he needed company or else he would kill himself with liquor.

The two mates talked and Harry explained everything to Ron. The situation was mad and there were some parts the redhead found hilarious but his humor quickly disappeared after Harry finished the story and told him what Hermione said to him.

"WHAT? YOU SAVE HER FROM A SHAM OF A MARRIAGE AND SHE THANKS YOU BY TELLING YOU TO GET OUT OF HER LIFE?" Ron bellowed and shook the room.

"I've hurt her enough, mate. I knew it was going to hurt and I knew it was going to happen anyway. I'm okay with it," Harry said regretfully. He took a shot of his whiskey and drained it before asking for a refill. "I've caused her enough pain for one life. I'm just glad I got her out of that situation. Maybe now, she'll be able to find someone to be with who isn't gay."

"And what about you?" Ron mournfully questioned him.

Harry shook his head and let a sad smile come on his face. Like he told Hermione, he held no qualms about still loving her but he missed his chance a long time ago. "I screwed up, Ronald. Didn't realize how much I loved her until it was too late. I don't know what's next for me, I didn't realize that she was it for me until I missed my chance."

He took another sip of his whiskey and let the burning sensation wash over him. He felt numb and this was about the only thing that could make him feel again. As long as she was happy were the only words left in his head and he vowed to live by it as if it was dogma til the end of his life.

"Well, you'll always have me," Ron told his best mate with a sad smile and a clap on the shoulder.

"I love you, mate." Harry returned the look and raised his glass in a toast to the only remaining member of the golden trio that loved him.

"I love you too, Harry."

Ron teared up and hurriedly wiped them away, not wanting Harry to see him crying for him. He didn't pity his friend, far from it, but his heart broke for him. Hermione had forgiven him for his mistakes in school and during the hunt but somehow couldn't do the same for Harry. It wasn't fair. He wasn't going to pick between her and Harry, though, his choice was always going to be with his first friend and best mate.

A simple letter sent while the man was drunk and hurt had caused her to completely forget everything he did for her, how much he loved her, and how much she once loved him. Deep down, Ron knew she wasn't hurt by the words in the letter as much as she was hurt by who sent it. Still, he wanted to believe that she was being entirely unfair.

Harry was now on his fifth glass of whiskey but Ron made no move to stop him. He knew the man needed the comfort of the bottle just for tonight and resolved to stay with him until he felt like it was enough for one night. He would stay with him for tonight and for every night that would follow until Harry was ready to heal.