Darth Vader Goes to Therapy

Negotiations

Negotiations were a lot harder than he remembered.

He'd tracked the negotiator down (Carl? Marl? Daryl? He couldn't remember the man's name) and he'd come quivering into the office Vader never used. Normally, Vader would savor the feel of his terror in the Force, but he didn't have time for that.

"I need you to teach me how to negotiate." He'd said, and when the negotiator blinked blankly at him, he clarified, "It is necessary in order for me to get the Admiral and the Therapist back."

At the mention of them, the man's expression had hardened into one of resolve.

"Lord Vader, I have had years to perfect this, but if this is a negotiation that you must do yourself, I will do whatever it takes to teach you."

Vader wasn't sure if the man said that because he wanted Piett back, Luke back, or both.

"Very good." He waved him on, sitting down at his desk. "You may begin."

What followed were days of grueling training, day and night. Neither one of them got much rest, but the Negotiator never complained.

"When your opponent threatens you, you should never counter with your own threat, it only worsens the problem." The Negotiator wrote the statement out on a massive screen that turned his writing into digitized information that could be saved and studied later. "It would be better to ask for a break, allow the opponent to calm down, and return to start fresh."

Behind his mask, Vader was making all sorts of disgusted faces. If he thought Luke was a hippie, it was nothing compared to this guy.

"Remember that most threats issued in a negotiation are said in the heat of the moment–opponents often say it to scare the other side."

"When I negotiate, I do not make threats that I do not mean." Vader crossed his arms across his chest.

"...Yes, but most people make threats they don't mean, so take your audience into account and consider whether or not they mean the threat. If they don't, respond to any earlier, softer responses instead. If they do mean it, you need to use the active listening skills we discussed to diffuse the situation." He gave Vader a dreadful look. "...What are the active listening skills we discussed, Lord Vader?"

Vader rolled his eyes and looked at his datapad where he'd saved previous notes. "Try paraphrasing what they said in an effort to show how you perceived their statement. Which is idiotic. And when that does not work, ask open ended questions to determine why they are making the threat. Which is also idiotic. When that does not work..." He scowled. " Examine yourself to find out if something you have done prompted this threat. Considering it is me, there are a great number of things that could cause someone to issue a threat."

The Negotiator chose to ignore his completely valid commentary, and continued on.

Eventually, General Veers entered the room. "Lord Vader," he greeted with a salute, "I came to see what could be done to expedite bringing Admiral Piett and Mr. Lars home. The crew is anxious for their return."

Vader didn't even have a chance to respond before the Negotiator pointed at an empty chair and said, "Perfect! Sit right there."

Veers blinked in surprise, then looked to Vader for confirmation. When there was no objection, he sat down. "What is this about?"

"You're going to pretend to be a Rebel negotiator."

"I'm going to what?" Veers paled, no doubt knowing exactly how Vader treated Rebel Negotiators in the past.